Browsing: Lifestyle

“Pivot, slide, slow on recovery … we’re pulling all the way into our rib cage. We don’t want to pull into our hipbones or our stomachs. We want it nice and high.”More than a dozen people listened to the instructions from Chicago Rowing Union’s (CRU) head coach Mollie Halvorsen while sitting on Concept 2 ERG Rowers during a learn to row class at Dammrich Rowing Center in Skokie. Sequencing is important to learn, she reiterates.Advertisement“When you pivot over or bend at the waist, we do not want our hands to dive down. We want them to be nice and flat. Arms away first, then body over,” she said.The mantra becomes “arms, body, body, arms … arms up, body over, body back, arms in” while the hum of the ERGs try to turn in unison. Repetitive, yes, but this crash course is supposed to help everyone learn the rudimentary lessons of rowing crew and what to expect when on the water in the North Shore Channel of the Chicago River with seven of their classmates.AdvertisementChicago Rowing Union members lean a shell into the water at Dammrich Rowing Center in Skokie. (John J. Kim / Chicago Tribune)One crew of Chicago Rowing Union rowers waits for another before a session at Dammrich Rowing Center on June 8, 2022, in Skokie. (John J. Kim / Chicago Tribune)What started as a group created by members of the LGBTQ+ community in 2005 to row in the Gay Games in 2006, is now an inclusive competitive and recreational rowing club focused on promoting diversity in the sport of rowing, according to CRU’s President Simone Azure. The sport is historically pricey and known to be a predominately white one, per Azure — one of CRU’s eight-person boats cost $13,000, and that was used.“It’s just like a Mercedes to a Toyota to a Fiat,” Azure said. “Resolutes are more expensive boats, but they have a tendency to last longer.”Newer boats cost more and equipment prices, regatta fees and transportation costs also add up, making the sport less accessible. Halvorsen said recognizing the accessibility and diversity gap is why CRU partnered with the Skokie Park District to hold its learn-to-row camps.“We are trying very hard to create an inclusive community within sports rowing and give access to members of the community that haven’t had exposure to the sport in the past,” she said.Azure recalls rowing for another ream and paying annual dues in the $4,500 range. The Skokie Park District charges $200 for people to learn sweep rowing with CRU. Sweep rowing is where each rower uses one oar in boats of four or eight people. For a rowing season of seven months, CRU’s recreation rowing team rows twice a week and charges $108/month; CRU’s competitive team rows three times a week for $148/month. CRU also holds fundraisers, has a scholarship program and has reduced rates in the past for individuals to attract all sorts of people to the sport. The pandemic impacted CRU’s membership numbers, but Azure’s recruiting has membership back in the double digits.“Our learn-to-row program, that’s how we build our program,” said the Edgebrook resident. “Now, there’s more spaces for gay people and the LGBTQ+ community, my big push is targeting diverse as possible. It’s not just a gay team. I want to stress the inclusivity on our team because we focus in on that. We have lots of allies and we’re happy as hell to have all of those guys, too.”Azure and Halvorsen pride themselves on making sure camaraderie and friendly competition is a part of CRU. The rowing community is a tight one. Azure, a member of the Turtle Mountain Ojibwe tribe who identifies as Two-Spirit, competed and medaled in a recent regatta in Washington, D.C., to support the DC Strokes Rowing Club, an LGBTQ+ rowing club. They are protesting the U.S. Rowing’s decision to hold its Masters National Championships in Sarasota, Florida, in August. DC Strokes is boycotting the event as long as the state’s “Don’t Say Gay” law remains in effect. CRU, a master’s group of adults 27 years and older, signed their petition in support.“We try to be really supportive of one another,” Azure said. “The point is to have a place where people of all genders, colors and whatever feel included and they feel safe within this organization.”AdvertisementAt the learn-to-row class held June 11, a mother joined her daughter, a student at St. Ignatius who is considering joining the school’s crew team. A young man participated in the same class because he is thinking about trying out for Loyola’s crew team. CRU members helped participants through the hourslong session that began with rowing machines, transitioned to indoor sweep rowing tanks and ended with rowing an eight-person boat on the North Channel complete with a coxswain, person in charge of the boat’s navigation and steering. The coxswain gives directions of when and how to move the equipment, including the 200-pound boat, and when to board the boat. Assignments on where everyone will sit is given before launch, so you know if you’ll be port or starboard while on the boat.Things to remember:Don’t step just anywhere on the boat. You can poke a hole in it. Step on the strongest part of the boat to get in.Boarding and disembarking the boat is done in unison with others, not as a single person, so the boat doesn’t tip.And the shoes that you put your feet in, are anchored to the boat itself. In case of emergency, pull the release cord to free your feet to swim out.Also, try not to catch a crab — aka do a faulty stroke where the oar is under water too long becoming jammed.“A big part of the stroke is timing,” Halvorsen said. “When we’re in the boat, we’re tied to seven other people. We need to make sure that we are putting the blades in the water together, out of the water together. We want to make sure that we’re touching at the same time and that we’re finishing at the same time. It seems like a super easy thing, but it trips people up when they’re learning because of the sequencing. The tendency is to want to bring the knees up before our hands get out. On the ERG, it’s easier to lift the hands over the knees, but when you’re on the water, you cannot lift your hands over the knees with the oar in front of you.”An exercise in team building, Azure says rowing crew is a sport where you can tell who’s doing the work, who’s not, and who is distracted. While on the launch boat — one that trails the boats with the coxswains — Azure jokes, encourages and inspires those rowing making the experience engaging while learning. The hard part is remembering all the steps taught in the classroom and translating them to the water in real time.“I’ve met many people through rowing here in Chicago and around the world really, that have helped me advance and have been very generous with their time and energy while teaching me a new sport,” she said. One can tell she tries to do the same for those in each learn-to-row class.Members of CRU all have their own stories as to how they came to rowing. Some picked it up at college when their friends were doing it and picked it back up with CRU. Azure was walking in Andersonville when she was approached by a gentleman who is now one of her really good friends. He handed her a card and said come and try to learn to row. She said OK. And Halvorsen went to her first learn-to-row camp in middle school. She was hooked after her first time, she’s never looked back. This year marks 21 years in the sport for her. CRU member Fiona Nolan says the act of rowing crew as the closest thing to heaven on Earth that they have found when everyone is rowing at the same time.AdvertisementCoxswain Merri Furlong said a person new to rowing crew can be good within a year and within two years be great — something she’s seen.Chicago Rowing Union members Joseph Edmonds and Fiona Nolan walk to a shed to retrieve a coach’s boat at Dammrich Rowing Center on June 8, 2022, in Skokie. (John J. Kim / Chicago Tribune)Morton Grove resident Jamie Edwards attended the June 11 class. Upon its completion, she said she was excited to come back for the second part on Sunday. A lover of water sports, she said her uncle is a competitive rower and she was curious about what the sport entailed.“I was looking for where I could get involved and came across Chicago Rowing Union,” she said. “It was tougher than I expected having worked on a stationary exercise rower before, although that kind of makes me want to do it even more, like a challenge.”Edwards left knowing that getting better takes practice — something she’s willing to do with CRU.“I’m sure it gets easier once you get more in sync,” she said. “I really want to get better.”With a smile on her face, Edwards left wondering about what her aura app on her Apple watch says post rowing.Advertisement“The thing I love about rowing is it’s a low impact, full body workout, which is really nice,” Edwards said. “There was this moment being on the water where you’re just connected and it just feels really good … there’s something about being on the water.”Chicago Rowing Union’s next Learn to Row session is slated for July 19. The group will also be at the 42nd Annual Chicago Sprints at the Lincoln Park Lagoon July 8-10.drockett@chicagotribune.com

Dear Amy: I have one son and two grandsons.The older grandson, age 17, appeared at his prom wearing a full-length purple gown with nail polish to match.AdvertisementI privately told my son (his father) that I was concerned for my grandson’s safety, as he would be a target if he is so flamboyant.My son became very defensive and said that people can love who they want, and that society needs to get used to it. I agree. But there are people out there who don’t like this “in your face” behavior.AdvertisementI have not mentioned this again. I don’t want to alienate my son or grandson, but the prospect of having a LGBTQ grandson makes me sick.He spends most of his time alone in his room and is very sullen. His maternal grandfather committed suicide last year, so I am concerned about the mental health of the entire family.They are receiving counseling individually and as a family.Can I do anything other than cry myself to sleep?Could this be a phase, or will he always be like this?– Devastated GrandmaDear Devastated: I have a blunt question for you: Are you going through a phase, or will you always be like this?I hope it’s a phase.AdvertisementYes, you worry. Yes, you fret. But the role of a grandparent is actually so simple: All you have to do is to love your grandchildren – exactly as they are, exactly as they present to you; through phases, representations, or revelations – and through whatever joys or challenges they encounter.Can you imagine the impact on this family if you just simply loved and accepted all of them, no matter what?You might not understand why your grandson would make the choice to go to the prom wearing what sounds like an amazing outfit. But that sullen teenager left his bedroom, got dolled-up, and took himself to the prom!(I wish I’d had an ounce of that kind of courage at his age.)Furthermore, his father is his ally! Give yourself credit for raising a man who is a good parent.This family is receiving professional support (another very wise choice).AdvertisementYour only job here is to find a way around your own fears, and to relieve yourself of the burden to judge this family – and instead to love all of them, just as they are.Dear Amy: I moved to a different state in 2019 and have made one friend.I met “Stacy” before the pandemic so up until now, she’s been the only person in my new home that I have close ties to.I’m a loner, and it takes a lot for me to let people in.One of the main reasons for this is because I believe I suffer from an eating disorder.Most of the time, I have to force myself to eat. Some months are better than others, but it’s a daily battle for me.AdvertisementI overheard Stacy talking to her significant other about my weight the other day. She said I lost too much weight and that something must be wrong with me.I feel like if we’re friends, why not ask me about this directly?My weight has been a struggle for me and I’ve actually gained a little bit, so this hurt my feelings.Only my children know how much I struggle with this. (I’ve never been diagnosed by a doctor, either.)This isn’t the first time Stacy has said something that has cut me deep, but I also don’t want to lose the only new friend I’ve made.How should I handle this?Advertisement– A Confused LonerDear Loner: First, do this (today): Go to the National Eating Disorders Association webpage, national eating disorders.org. They offer many invaluable and supportive resources, including a “chat” function and a “helpline”: (800) 931-2237. You should see a physician and get a thorough checkup.Second: Please be brave enough to be honest with “Stacy.” Sharing this might deepen your friendship, and you deserve to have a good friend in your corner. You can get better, and I hope you’ll move toward a healthy recovery today.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Dear Amy: I did NOT agree with your advice to “Accidental Witness,” who saw her stepdaughter’s husband kissing the family’s nanny.I would be horrified if someone knew about this in my family and did not tell me.– UpsetAdvertisementDear Upset: The problem was that this witness couldn’t seem to bring herself to deliver this news. She wanted others to do it.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Beth Redbird took to sociology wanting to make societies better.

Chicago has 42 diagnosed monkeypox cases, the city’s top doctor said Monday.That’s an increase from the 27 cases that the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention was reporting for all of Illinois.AdvertisementDr. Allison Arwady, shared the update with the City Council’s health committee.“At this point, it is rare, and we’ve not had any deaths associated with it, and it does not spread easily,” Arwady said.AdvertisementMonkeypox is a viral illness that typically begins with flu-like symptoms and swelling of the lymph nodes before progressing to a rash on the face and body. The illness typically lasts two to four weeks. According to the CDC, monkeypox cannot be spread by people who don’t have symptoms.The illness doesn’t spread through casual contact like COVID-19 can, Arwady said.“This is close contact. Skin to skin. Touching somebody’s rashes or sores. Potentially sharing bedding or towels. Kissing, coughing, sneezing,” she said.The CDC was reporting 244 cases in the United States as of Monday, though apparently not all of the new Chicago cases had been added. The outbreak is most severe in parts of western Europe, though cases have been reported across the globe.A long line of people seeking monkeypox vaccinations wait outside the Chelsea Sexual Health Clinic in New York on June 23, 2022. (Hiram Durán/The New York Times)Most of Chicago’s monkeypox cases have been in men who have sex with men, a pattern also seen in the European outbreak, Arwady said.“A lot of this is just because spread will occur through tight-knit social networks,” she said.People who see a new and unexplained rash should see their doctor and avoid intimacy, Arwady said.Monkeypox’s spread among men who have sex with men isn’t typical of the illness and is just a characteristic of this year’s outbreak, said Dr. Sharon Welbel, Cook County Health’s director of hospital epidemiology and infection control and prevention. Awareness of where the illness is spreading allows for more focused intervention, she said.AdvertisementThe jump in cases shows that doctors and the public are getting better at identifying and properly treating monkeypox, she said.“It is a big increase since the last number that we heard last week, but I’m not surprised,” Welbel said. While the virus is not common in the U.S., it was first identified in 1958, and is more common in West and Central Africa, she added. Vaccines and antivirals used to treat similar viruses, such as smallpox, can be used to treat monkeypox, she said.Afternoon BriefingDailyChicago Tribune editors’ top story picks, delivered to your inbox each afternoon.Monkeypox is also much less transmissible than COVID-19 and easy to avoid because of its visibility, Welbel said. The monkeypox rash grows to look like a large pimple and often starts on the face, she previously told the Tribune. The rash can resemble herpes, chickenpox and syphilis, she said.Epidemiologists have also confirmed that the monkeypox version spreading in Illinois is less aggressive and associated with very low mortality rates, Welbel said.“Patients shouldn’t be afraid that they’re going to get this at the doctor’s office or at the hospital. We know how to isolate these patients,” she said.More cases will be seen worldwide as it becomes easier to identify the illness, Welbel added.Advertisement“I really think people should not be fearful,” she said.jsheridan@chicagotribune.comTwitter @jakesheridan_

Dear Amy: My 26-year-old grandchild “Sal” (and roommates) lost everything

“I just moved to a home with very limited garden space, but with a large patio. I would like to try gardening in containers this summer. Can you provide advice on getting started?”— Abigail Jackson, Morton GroveAdvertisementThere are many different types and styles of containers to choose from for your patio. The pots themselves can be decorative or very simple, so choose which ones best suit your personal taste and design requirements. The size of the pots you purchase should be in scale with the surrounding landscape. The bigger your garden space, the bigger the container you will need to look right. For example, small containers sitting by themselves on a large patio or deck will look out of place, while working just fine when combined with larger pots. AdvertisementGardening in containers is a great option for outdoor spaces like patios. (RJ Carlson/Chicago Botanic Garden)Small and shallow containers will dry out more quickly, especially later in the season when the plants are established, and root bound. When using small pots in sunny locations, you will need to pay close attention to watering, especially during hot weather. Consider using a mix of different sizes of pots grouped together to add interest and the capacity to layer plants from taller to shorter.Whichever containers you choose, it is essential to have a drainage hole or holes in the bottom of them; otherwise, water will build up in the containers and drown your plants. The holes do not need to be large, but there must be enough holes so excess water can drain out. If a container has no holes, try drilling some yourself. A container without holes is best used as a cover to hide a plain pot or to grow aquatic plants in. Adding gravel at the bottom of a pot will not improve drainage but can add weight to a lightweight container in a windy location where more stability is needed. It is important to use a soilless growing medium designed for containers — your local garden center will have bagged growing medium for sale. Do not use garden soil in your pots. Garden soils used in containers, even when mixed with compost, will generally be slow to drain and be poorly aerated, causing plants to perform poorly.Bags of growing medium are typically sold by cubic feet. Estimate how much you need by calculating the volume of your container. For square pots, multiply length, width and height. For round pots, multiply 3.14 (pi) and the radius of the pot’s diameter times the height of the pot. All units of measure need to be in feet to give you the amount of cubic feet of growing medium to purchase. Convert inches to feet by dividing by 12 (inches per foot). I like to purchase a little extra medium to be sure that I have enough. You can also just guess how much to buy.If you have large containers and want to save money by using less growing medium, use empty plastic pots turned upside down in the bottom of the container to fill in space. I have also used crumpled up bags that the growing medium and compost are sold in as filler, too. Styrofoam peanuts will work, but create a mess when the time comes to clean out the containers. I like to have at least a foot of depth of medium above the filler at the bottom of the pot — use a greater depth if you are planning to grow very large plants or shrubs in your containers. Gently firm the planter mixture as you fill the container. Do not fill the medium level to the top of the pot, as you will need about an inch gap to the top of the pot to make watering easier — use less space for small pots, while more space is better for very large pots. The growing medium should be slightly moist as you are planting.For more plant advice, contact the Plant Information Service at the Chicago Botanic Garden at plantinfo@chicagobotanic.org. Tim Johnson is senior director of horticulture at the Chicago Botanic Garden.

Dear Amy: This year several people from my past have contacted me to ask for forgiveness. I am writing because I believe my decision will offer a different perspective to your readers.The first letter was from two dormmates writing jointly to apologize for their rude, hurtful behavior. I went to these two women for emotional support, believing them to be friends, only to be bluntly told that neither of them liked me and that they only associated with me because they assumed I would help them with their papers or research projects. This was especially painful, as it happened shortly after I was diagnosed with a chronic illness.AdvertisementI changed dorms at the end of the academic year and never spoke to either of them again. It has been almost 40 years.The second letter was a friend from my other college. She contacted me in 2008 and we started phoning and emailing. “Call me anytime to talk,” she said. One night I did, and she exploded, screaming that I had interrupted her nightly wine and crafting time and yelling that we had nothing in common because I am not married, a homeowner, or a crafter and to leave her alone forever.AdvertisementI immediately ended the call, deleted her phone number, and blocked her email. This happened in 2015.I read both of these letters carefully and decided my sole response would be to shred the letters.These three women are just bad memories, and why they sought, need, or want my forgiveness after so many years is a mystery to me.I also do not want any further contact with them.To err is indeed human, to forgive may be divine, but forgiveness is also optional.– Past CompletedDear Completed: I appreciate your take on this.I believe that the experience and isolation of the pandemic – as well as the simple march of time – has caused a lot of people to reflect on their choices.AdvertisementYou don’t say how these women expressed themselves, but these entreaties seem more like demands. (I also think it’s possible that Ms. Wine and Crafting is working one of the 12-steps.)In my experience, the fullest form of forgiveness is arrived at privately, and not as the response to a request or a demand.I completely understand your reaction here, but I do think you owe these people your gratitude: their out-of-the-blue bids for forgiveness have given you closure, as well as the final word.Dear Amy: My husband and I were transferred from the Midwest to the East Coast 10 years ago.We have marvelous world-class food options where we live, and we are grateful for that benefit of living here.When we go back home to the Midwest, there are certain comfort foods carried by mom-and-pop restaurants and carry-outs that we miss.AdvertisementSometimes, it’s a dive, other times it’s a chain restaurant that we don’t have.The problem is our friend “Annie” inserts herself into our plans and always insists that we dine at the expensive places where she would rather go.If we want to go to our favorite greasy spoon because of the specialty there (Wednesday is pot roast day), Annie will say: “I know what sounds good, let’s go to … Chez Louis” – usually a place that serves limited menus and elite cuisine.This is fine for one meal, but this happens throughout our visit, and we aren’t even staying at her house.Sometimes, you just want a burger or a hometown pizza – not a filet, poached salmon, or escargot, you know?How do we avoid these conflicts – short of not informing her that we are in town?Advertisement– Stu in BaltimoreDear Stu: This isn’t about cuisine. This is about you simply being able to assert your own wishes when someone else asserts theirs.It is your visit! You have the right to eat wherever you want to eat!Here are some words to try out: “We could eat ‘fancy’ one night, but we’re excited to revisit our favorite comfort foods the rest of the time.”Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Dear Amy: I was completely stunned by your response to “Charlie” who had old photos of his ex-wife in an album.If his current wife of many years is bothered by these photos, then he should get rid of them! I cannot believe you actually suggested sending them to the ex. That would just create more drama!Advertisement– StunnedDear Stunned: The response to my answer was a universal NO!Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Heat waves have already hit this summer, with more surely to come. “We’re getting more severe heat more often,” said Sharon Yiesla, plant knowledge specialist in the Plant Clinic at The Morton Arboretum in Lisle. “It’s one of the ways our climate is changing.”There are ways you can help your garden plants survive waves of heat in the 90s and above. Here are some tips from the Plant Clinic.AdvertisementWater. Plants can only cool themselves by allowing water to evaporate from tiny holes in their leaves, but they need water in their leaves to do that. “Most of our plants are 80% to 90% water,” Yiesla said. “All their life processes depend on it.”Rainfall can supply some water, but don’t count on it. “Check that there is actually moisture a couple of inches deep in the soil,” she said. “Sometimes rain just wets the surface but doesn’t penetrate down to where the roots can absorb it.”AdvertisementTo reduce damage to plants, such as this hosta, from severe heat waves, watch the weather forecast and water deeply before the heat hits. (Beth Botts/Morton Arboretum)Think ahead. Pay attention to the weather forecast, and if temperatures in the 90s are predicted, water thoroughly the day before. “Your plants will be much more resilient if they are already fully hydrated when the heat hits,” Yiesla said. There will also be a reservoir of moisture in the soil for the plants’ roots to draw on.Don’t wait for plants to wilt as a signal to water. “Wilting means they’re already stressed,” she said. “You want to keep them from getting stressed in the first place.” If you do spot plants drooping or wilting, water them right away.Mulch. A layer of mulch over the roots of your plants helps in two ways: It insulates the soil against extremes of temperature, and it prevents moisture from evaporating. You can apply mulch any time, so go ahead and spread it if you haven’t already.Make a layer 1 to 2 inches deep on perennial beds and 3 to 4 inches around trees and shrubs. Spread the mulch out evenly, rather than piling it up against the trunk or stems. Try to keep mulch clear of the bark of a tree or shrub.Water deeply. Rather than lightly sprinkling the soil surface, water long enough so the moisture sinks several inches down. “In normal weather, wait several days before watering again,” Yiesla said. “If you find you have to water in-ground plants every day or two, you’re not watering deeply enough.” In very hot weather, the plants may quickly use up the water in soil, she said, “so check to see if it’s dry and you should water more often.”Expect some effects. When it’s intensely hot, “plants are focused on surviving, not blooming or fruiting,” Yiesla said. Tomatoes, for example, won’t be pollinated or set fruit in temperatures over 90 degrees, and temperatures consistently in the 90s can prevent them from ripening. “Just keep watering to help them hang in there until days get a little cooler,” she said.Water containers often. Soil is a plant’s moisture reservoir, and since pots don’t hold much soil, they dry out quickly. “In really hot weather, you may need to water containers more than once a day,” Yiesla said.New plants need extra help. Any trees, shrubs or perennials you installed this year will need even more watering. “New plants don’t have much of a root system, so they can’t absorb water as readily as established plants,” she said. Provide extra water for any trees or shrubs that you have planted in the last three years.AdvertisementHelp mature trees too. A day or two of temperatures in the 90s won’t faze a grand old shade tree. But in long periods of hot, dry weather, water your mature trees as well as your young ones. “A big tree has tens of thousands of leaves, and they all need to be full of water to keep the tree cool and healthy,” Yiesla said. Apply water to as much of the root zone as you can — at least as far as the tree’s branches extend.“You’ll be helping yourself too,” she said. “As water evaporates from tree leaves, it cools the air. And of course, there’s no better place on a hot day than the shade of a big tree.”For tree and plant advice, contact the Plant Clinic at The Morton Arboretum (630-719-2424, mortonarb.org/plant-clinic, or plantclinic@mortonarb.org). Beth Botts is a staff writer at the Arboretum.

Dear Amy: I am 21 and just getting into the dating game.My father is a narcissist and used love-bombing to get my mom.AdvertisementI’ve watched her go through multiple men who used the same tactic. I understand how abusive these men turned out to be.I’m also a psychology student, so I tend to read a lot into things.AdvertisementMy question is: How do I take a compliment without my brain throwing up red flags?I’m having the hardest time still talking to people if they call me beautiful, or if they give me any other compliment.– Confused DaterDear Dater: “Love bombing” is a term describing a specific kind of attention which is lavished on a potential partner in order to essentially ensnare the person in a relationship. This refers to showering (“bombing”) the person with affection, attention, gifts, compliments, and premature declarations of friendship or love.This technique is often used by potential abusers to destabilize and control their partners.Knowing about “love bombing” can help to protect you in future relationships.It is important that you always remain true to your most authentic self – but it can be hard to locate that anchor when you’re feeling overwhelmed or unsure of an attraction.I’m happy to report that a compliment is not necessarily the first grenade in a love-bombing campaign.AdvertisementWhen I was your age, I countered every compliment with a self-deprecating denial, until a friend responded: “Amy. Just say ‘Thank you.’”“Thank you” is the only response required. After that, you should remain in the space with an open attitude to see what happens next.Because you are entering this phase of life as a skeptic, a “love bomb” will feel completely fake, inauthentic, premature and manipulative.You will know it when it is lobbed in your direction.Dear Amy: I used to be on Facebook. I never posted much. I’m a private person and always felt anxious if I did post anything.But my husband loves it and I swear he lives for it.AdvertisementA little over a year ago, we lost our son.I wrote a poem about this and texted it to my husband so he could see it.My sister-in-law told me, “That was a beautiful poem you wrote about your son.”She had seen it on FB.I was livid. My husband did not even ask me. He just took it upon himself and posted it on Facebook. That was my poem! I shared it with him and he shared it with the world. He deleted it.My husband’s cousin also tragically lost her son a couple of years ago and my sister-in-law took it upon herself to post this on Facebook to let the family know before her cousin even had a chance to call them herself.AdvertisementMy husband and I walk a lot. My husband’s sister recently contacted me about a post my husband put on Facebook.She said, “I see you and my brother went for a walk today.”I asked her how she knew about that. “He posted it on Facebook,” she said.I understand that Facebook is a good way to stay connected to family and friends and (in my husband’s case) total strangers.I now hate Facebook. It has become so annoying and not private.Am I wrong for feeling angry about these violations of my privacy?AdvertisementIt’s like it’s taken over the world.– Private WifeDear Private: No, you are not wrong. Your husband either doesn’t understand, or doesn’t care to understand, what it feels like to you when he violates your privacy.I am so sorry he has made these choices, which range from annoying you to wounding you deeply. Call him on it every single time until he gets the message. Furthermore, you seem to have a sister-in-law who enjoys leaping over boundaries. Be extremely judicious about anything you choose to share with her.I agree that Facebook is annoying, intrusive, and often destructive to relationships.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.I’ve said before – I’ll say it again – that jumping off of that particular platform was one of the smartest things I’ve done in recent years. (Although I do genuinely miss learning about various milestone moments in people’s lives.)AdvertisementDear Amy: Regarding the question you received about what to do with blank notecards and occasion cards received from charities – my local Meals on Wheels likes to give their recipients cards for special occasions. They will happily accept nice cards for those purposes.– LHDear LH: This is a great idea.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Dear Amy: I’m a 66-year-old gay man. I’ve been seeing “Dave,” who’s 64, for about six months.So far, this is “just friends.” Our relationship is platonic.AdvertisementDave has met my sisters and friends and they think he is wonderful. So do I!He broke up with “Michael” just before I met him. He hasn’t been seeing anyone else in any capacity for the last two months.AdvertisementDave and I are going RV-ing in a few weeks. The anticipation is killing me. During the trip, I’ll be meeting his 90-year-old mom.I’ve been single for many years. My last ex was my best friend, who died four years ago.I continue to see other men for casual sex. “Dave” knows, and said: “Be who you are, don’t change.”We’ve talked about monogamy (we both were monogamous in our past relationships).My fear is that I can’t be monogamous, even though I 1,000 percent want to.I feel like a 16-year-old in my infatuation and love, erring now on the side of friendship.In the past, I’ve been accused (by an ex) of ambivalence, but now I feel consumed by the need to be by his side.His ex was controlling to the nth degree.AdvertisementHow do I balance his abhorrence of control, where I want to see him more?I figure I have at least 10 more good years, and I’ve found the best, at last.I want this!– TomDear Tom: So far, you and “Dave” are taking things very slowly – and it seems to me that in terms of this relationship, you are making good choices.You’ve proven that you can communicate well, and so you should continue.AdvertisementDoes he want to have a full, non-platonic, monogamous relationship with you? You should ask him. You should also be completely transparent about your concerns about your own preferences and past experiences.If he values monogamy and yet doesn’t care if you continue seeing other people, then it’s possible that he isn’t ready – or doesn’t want to – commit to you.Accept his choices and this ambiguity with as much openness and equanimity as you can.You being open about your feelings and your fears is only speaking to your own experience – not trying to control him. Your ambivalence in the past might speak to a deep fear of being hurt, but making that leap into full trust – of him and of yourself – is the brave and romantic RV hero-journey that you’re facing.Speaking as someone who found “the best one” later in life, I’d like to testify to the transforming nature of a truly committed relationship between two equals.If you want this, then go get it.AdvertisementDear Amy: A few months ago, a group of my coworkers went out for happy hour. We were talking about how our jobs can make relationships challenging. I mentioned a coworker going through a divorce. I didn’t mention her name, but another coworker said, “Oh, you’re talking about ‘Tammy’! She’s a good friend of mine!”Everyone knows and likes Tammy. We were all in agreement that we disliked what her husband was putting her through.Tammy called me and said that she heard that I’ve been talking about her. Whoever told her this said that I told the group some terrible things about her child and ex-husband.I told her I never said what she was accusing me of. No one else said it, either. It was completely false.I told her that the person that shared this false information is obviously someone that she trusts. I can tell that she doesn’t believe me.I don’t know if I should demand that she tell me who said this about me, or if I should leave it alone. I really like her and I’m sad about how she now perceives me.Advertisement– Remorseful Gossip GirlDear Remorseful: Do not double down by extending the drama. You might contact “Tammy” to say, “Your good opinion means a lot to me. I want to repeat that I would never spread or repeat malicious gossip about you.”Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Dear Amy: I was so disappointed in your response to “Young Wife!” This woman’s in-laws were staying in her apartment (the young couple were staying elsewhere), and the mother-in-law was cleaning and doing the couple’s laundry!No one should touch anyone else’s possessions. This is an important boundary issue.– UpsetDear Upset: I asserted that the mother-in-law was trying to be helpful. If the older woman erred or overstepped, her daughter-in-law should kindly let her know.AdvertisementGot a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.