Browsing: Lifestyle

A spin around Lake Michigan easily exceeds 1,000 miles and 18 hours of road time when following shoreline instead of interstate. That’s no vacation for the driver, or travelers low on leisure time.Another option: Shorten the loop by using two car ferries to cross the Great Lake, which turns the getaway into more of a one-tank trip and adds maritime adventure while exploring smaller chunks of Michigan and Wisconsin.AdvertisementThat strategy kept intact what I expect from a Lake Michigan excursion — quality beaches, sand dunes, lighthouses, nautical museums, waterfront dining — and made it easier to notice unique attractions, generations-old businesses and places loved by the locals.Sail one way on the SS Badger, a National Historic Landmark that is the nation’s last coal-fired passenger steamship. Play bingo, watch movies, nap in a stateroom or roam the onboard museum and gift shop while cruising four hours between Manitowoc, Wisconsin — just over 2½ hours away from downtown Chicago — and Ludington, Michigan. ssbadger.comAdvertisementThe SS Badger, the nation’s last coal-fired passenger steamship, began work in 1953 as transport for railway cars. Now it is a nautical extension of U.S. 10 that links Manitowoc, Wisconsin, and Ludington, Michigan. (Todd and Brad Reed Photography / HANDOUT)The route is a nautical extension of U.S. 10. The floating giant (with room for 600 passengers and 180 vehicles) began work in 1953 as transport for railway cars.Lake Michigan’s other car ferry is the sleek, high-speed and businesslike Lake Express, introduced in 2004 to link Milwaukee and Muskegon, Michigan, in 2½ hours. Sailings on the 250-passenger and 46-vehicle vessel usually are more frequent than the SS Badger. lake-express.comWhen ashore, sticking to coastal parks and beaches is fine, but there’s plenty to explore in the waiting towns beyond.A 15-minute drive from Ludington’s port is Bortell’s Fisheries, a rural, sixth-generation family purveyor of smoked fish and fried fish sold by the pound. Seating is outdoor picnic tables; one right turn away is lakeside Summit Park, where I savored a half-pound of smelt with fries as the sun set — and I was far from alone. facebook.com/bortellsfisheriesMy bed for the night was a smartly converted stable at Cartier Mansion, built for a lumber baron in 1905. The Ludington inn’s woodwork-rich decor is largely unsullied. On the breakfast plate: sausage made with the chef-owner’s 22-ingredient spice blend. cartiermansion.comHow else to spend your precious time until the ship home comes in? These unusual possibilities caught my attention:About 2.5 miles of public beach are a part of Pere Marquette Park in Muskegon, Michigan. (Visit Muskegon / HANDOUT)Members of Sable Lighthouse Keepers Association are eligible to tend a Lake Michigan lighthouse for one or two weeks. Membership, which costs $60 for one person or $100 for a family, includes free admission to four lights — Big Sable, Little Sable, Ludington and White River — the nonprofit serves. splka.orgDip into fresh-as-it-gets ice cream at House of Flavors. Next to the downtown location is the third-generation factory that produces 25 million gallons annually. houseofflavorsrestaurants.comAdvertisementNew and spot-on at historic White Pine Village is the Value of Sports Museum, where artifacts and stories of extraordinary athletes are more about character and life lessons than competition results. South of Ludington. historicwhitepinevillage.orgMac Wood’s Dune Rides, in its 92nd year, provides open-air and up-close views of Michigan’s sand dunes. Or rent a vehicle in Silver Lake — aka “Dune Town” — to explore on your own. macwoodsdunerides.com; thinkdunes.comCheeseburgers at four-generation Country Dairy, near New Era, are made with the farm’s meat and cheese. Orders come with a free pint of milk. Cafe and market carry a Christian theme. Farm tours are offered. countrydairy.comWheels are attached to the bottom of a luge sled that follows a 320-foot track at Muskegon Luge Adventure Sports Park in Michigan. (Visit Muskegon / HANDOUT)Olympian Frank Masely designed banked, curved tracks at Muskegon Luge Adventure Sports Park to introduce average folks to lugeing during all seasons. Wheels are attached to the bottom of a luge sled that follows a 320-foot track. A longer course is for lugeing in winter. msports.orgThe growing Social District in downtown Muskegon is a 12-block blend of restaurants, bars, cottage boutiques and public art. The area’s historic buildings make for a lovely walk. Take note of Courses Restaurant and The Sweet Spot, Culinary Institute of Michigan teaching outlets. downtownmuskegon.org; coursesrestaurant.com; sweetspotcim.comThe Deck on 2½-mile-long Pere Marquette Beach, Muskegon, is a huge draw for drinks, dining and music during summer — so popular that a 90-minute limit applies at the main level. thedeckmkg.comAdvertisementThe Grohmann Museum at Milwaukee School of Engineering is devoted to art that depicts the many forms of work. On the roof is a sculpture garden. (Mary Bergin / Chicago Tribune)Travelers gravitate to lakeside Milwaukee Museum of Art, whose winglike design is a city icon. One mile inland is roomy and engaging Grohmann Museum and its sculpture garden at Milwaukee School of Engineering. Art depicts the realities of blue- and white-collar work. msoe.edu/grohmann-museumEspecially laudable among Milwaukee restaurants this year is Solly’s Grille, a 2022 America’s Classics honoree. The James Beard Foundation’s lifetime achievement award notes that Solly’s, in a nothing-fancy house, introduced butter burgers in 1936 (and uses 130-some pounds of butter weekly). sollysbutterburgers.comArt Preserve, near Sheboygan, is the world’s first museum devoted to artist-built environments. Most were made without formal art training. Closest outdoor example: James Tellen Sculpture Park, near lakeside Kohler-Andrae State Park. jmkac.org/art-preserve; kohlerfoundation.orgInside Hamilton Wood Type and Printing Museum, Two Rivers, Wisconsin, are 1.5 million pieces of wood type that represent 1,000-plus styles and sizes. (Mary Bergin / Chicago Tribune)Whistling Straits, site of golfing’s 2021 Ryder Cup, stretches 560 acres along Lake Michigan, near Haven. Tee off or simply dine at the golf course restaurant; the rustic-cool setting with an upstairs pub has gorgeous views. destinationkohler.com/golf/whistling-straitsRural and nonprofit Farm Wisconsin Discovery Center, near Manitowoc, is all about field-to-farm heritage, production and diversity. There are interactive exhibits, a gift shop and cafe. Admission includes a dairy farm tour. farmwisconsin.orgGet spooked at Dead by Dawn in downtown Manitowoc, and don’t expect a restful night. Innkeepers turn every “dead and breakfast” stay into a Halloween-style haunting. The 1851 building has a paranormal history; reserve a seat at Shrunken Head bar to learn more. deadbydawn.comAdvertisementAdmission is free to West of the Lake Gardens, 6 acres and on a former streetcar right of way in Manitowoc. It’s a pretty and peaceful place to while away an afternoon. westfoundation.usWhen’s the last time you held a vowel? Hamilton Wood Type and Printing Museum in Two Rivers, studies, preserves and prints with type made from wood. No other museum is devoted to wood type, and Hamilton Manufacturing was the nation’s largest producer of it. woodtype.orgSailings on the SS Badger and Lake Express are seasonal, mid-May to mid-October. Frequency and cost depend on the ship and time of year. Expect to pay a per-passenger fee in addition to the cost to transport a vehicle. Reservations advised. ssbadger.com; lake-express.comSave by bringing a bicycle instead of a vehicle. SS Badger offers a discount when traveling without a vehicle and returning within 48 hours. The dock-to-downtown area is walkable in Manitowoc and Ludington.About 80 miles separate Manitowoc and Milwaukee; 60 miles separate Ludington and Muskegon. For more about port city lodging, restaurants and attractions: manitowoc.info; visitludington.com; visitmuskegon.org; visitmilwaukee.org.

Dear Amy: I started seeing “James” three months ago. I am 35 and he is 40. We both have successful careers, great communication, and an appetite for adventure. It has made for an amazing start, but I struggle with some baggage.James has a four-year-old daughter part time, whom I adore.AdvertisementJames and his ex “Constance” were together for six years – never married. Constance has always been a stay-at-home mom, raising three older children that James considers stepchildren.Constance left James. He was shattered and confided in me that she must have been miserable to leave the financial security he provided. The thing is – she still has it!AdvertisementFor the past year, Constance and their daughter reside in the house he bought for the family, no strings – or rent – attached.Their agreement is that she may stay indefinitely. If she decides to move, he would sell the house and she gets half. He also pays her monthly child support ($500 more than is legally required).When I expressed how generous he was, James elaborated that he wants his daughter to live comfortably, and Constance takes good care of the property.While I admire his heart and support, I can’t help but think that James is being overly generous. He and Constance are not on speaking terms. Constance has been cutting ties between him and her other children.Her eldest child has called her a “gold digger” in the process.Am I wrong in agreeing that Constance may be abusing James’ generosity?Are splitting assets like this typical for unmarried couples?I recognize his responsibility to his daughter, but I fear he has been manipulated into financially supporting Constance long term. She has always lived off of child support. It makes me nervous for a potential future together.AdvertisementShall I speak up or stay out of it?– Biting my TongueDear Biting: You have been seeing “James” for three months. Understand that he has the right to spend his money any way he wants to, including this generosity to an ex who isn’t very nice to him.If he can afford to provide housing for his ex and her children for the indefinite future, and if doing so makes him feel like he’s doing the right thing, then I’d say – good for him!My only concern would be that he doesn’t seem to have a legal agreement with his ex outlining this arrangement. If that’s the case, she is more vulnerable than he is, because he could negate this agreement at any time, especially if he is involved with someone (you, for instance) who seems to think he is a chump and is influencing him.My advice to you is to enjoy your relationship with him and don’t judge his choices unless and until they have a direct impact on you.AdvertisementIf you two became serious and had a financial entanglement, and certainly if you moved toward cohabitation or marriage, this would become your business.Dear Amy: I’m a widowed woman (62) and met a man (36) with two young children.We’ve been in a relationship for three years and so far I’ve yet to meet his siblings or mom, I can’t go in his house, and we’ve only been intimate a few times.Our “relationship” consists of phone calls and text messages.I’ve invited him and the kids to holiday and birthday meals, but he’s always got other plans.I’m never invited to any family gatherings.AdvertisementHe says he cares for me very much – as I do him – but this isn’t working for me. What do you think?– WonderingDear Wondering: I think this isn’t working for him, either.I hope you meet a new special someone who wants to open his life to you. This man … ain’t it.Dear Amy: A divorced dad [”Missing Friends”] wrote to you about their “couple” friends siding with his ex-wife, leaving him missing their friendship.I was on the other side of this. I was the wife that was left “taking” all the friends. I didn’t ask people to choose, they just did.AdvertisementI found that when the dust settled and I invited my ex to events, as he did with me, our friends came around, too, knowing that we could all be at events together with no drama.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.No one had to choose sides if we didn’t.It’s not always easy, but it’s better than being left out.– The ExDear Ex: Well said. Thank you!Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.AdvertisementSign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Dear Amy: My friend “Jane” recently texted our group of girlfriends with information concerning another girlfriend, “Maggie.”Jane told us all that she was using a social media dating app while out of town for business and Maggie’s husband “Jed” (also out of town for business) “swiped right” on Jane.AdvertisementThe screenshots she shared with us showed that he had set up his profile to appear single.Jane asked for advice on what to do with this. We have long suspected Jed was no good, but we also acknowledge this couple could have an open relationship.AdvertisementEither way, we felt it best that Maggie have the information.Jane and I don’t know Maggie well, but another woman in the group, “Susan,” does.Susan agreed to pass this information on to Maggie discreetly and tactfully. Unfortunately, it’s been months, and we just learned that Susan never told Maggie because it makes her uncomfortable.My husband, also close with Maggie, then said that he would tell her instead.He also hasn’t followed through, citing the same reason.I went back to the source and asked Jane to notify Maggie, and she also declined, saying it “wasn’t her place.”I am starting to get antsy knowing this information is in everyone’s head except Maggie’s! I feel terrible for her. I feel wrong stepping in but I just feel she needs the information.Do I drop it? Is it out of line to send an anonymous letter or something?AdvertisementI don’t want to cause more drama or confusion, only inform.– FrettingDear Fretting: My first piece of advice is that you should all stop discussing this as a group. This has descended into the realm of personal gossip.The obvious solution would have been for “Jane” to respond to “Jed’s” swipe, saying, “Dude, I know your wife!”Otherwise, all you know is that this man is posing as an unmarried man and “swiping right” while out of town. While I agree that this is dishonest and definitely a violation of most relationship norms – this is all you know.You might be the right person to put this to rest, because you don’t have an extant relationship to protect, and it is obviously bothering you.AdvertisementIf you decide to contact her, you should only tell her, “A single woman I know saw ‘Jed’s’ profile on a dating app. I don’t know anything more than that, but after wrestling with this dilemma, I’ve decided to tell you.”Otherwise – drop it.Dear Amy: My niece (the youngest) is getting married in far northern Minnesota at a luxurious location. I live in the Southwest.My brother (her dad) just sent me an email telling me that his wife is very upset that I am not planning to attend. He stated that he had hoped one person from our side of the family would be there.I live 1,000 miles away and work full time. I cannot afford airfare – or gas and hotel expenses – nor can I take that much time away from work.In addition, it would not be wise to drive that distance alone!AdvertisementMy two older brothers (one of which is the bride’s dad) are retired and have excessive incomes.Should I consider asking them for the funds, so I might possibly be there to represent the family?– A Sister in a Quandary!Dear Sister: In addition to the father of the bride, you have another brother who might be able to represent your side of the family.You have lined up a list of reasons why you cannot attend this wedding. (Either you can get the time off from work, or you can’t.)If you want to attend, you should respond honestly: “I would really like to be there, but honestly I just cannot afford the expense. I’m really sorry.”AdvertisementYour brothers might offer to finance this trip. If so, I hope you’ll go.Dear Amy: I’m appalled by your response to “Stressed in the West,” asking about wedding invitations to her cousins who have expressed racist opinions and used racist slurs.Racists are not “bozos.” They are hateful, ignorant and dangerous people.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.The accommodating view you express contributes to the ongoing crisis in the U.S. Racism in all forms should not be tolerated.Yes, the decision is for the couple to make, but the bride’s parents can make it very clear that they stand 100 percent behind their decision not to invite racists to their wedding.– LizAdvertisementDear Liz: My mistake. These cousins as described were not only “bozos.” There were racist bozos.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

When the last card flipped and legendary Chicago-based music producer Steve Albini emerged as victor in a 773-competitor World Series of Poker tournament, he ran over to friends watching nearby.“It made me feel like a million bucks,” Albini said.AdvertisementMetaphor aside, he certainly felt like $196,089 — the first-place purse that he won.Albini — who produced mega-influential rock albums like Nirvana’s “In Utero” (1993) and Pixies’ “Surfer Rosa” (1988) and who sings and plays guitar for indie-rock band Shellac — won his second World Series of Poker tournament on Friday.AdvertisementHis winning Stud Hi-Lo hand was a five-card flush with a pair of sevens, he said.“When we played the final hand and I realized I had won it, I didn’t have a rush of emotion,” Albini said. “It was sort of like, ‘Oh, that hands over, on to the next one. Oh, wait, there’s no next one.’”The producer won his second bracelet at Paris and Bally’s Las Vegas Casino. He competed in the $1,500 buy-in H.O.R.S.E. event, a multigame form of poker that alternates between Texas Hold ‘Em, Omaha Hi-Lo, Razz, Stud and Stud Hi-Lo.Players compete during an event at the World Series of Poker, June 3, 2022, in Las Vegas. (John Locher / AP)Albini plays informal cash games in Chicago with friends like professional Brandon Shack-Harris and statistician Nate Silver. He’s excited about the prospect of another Bally’s casino coming to Chicago.“Having a card room that I can get to by the Blue Line sounds (expletive) amazing,” he said.Raised on family games of cribbage and pinochle, Albini said he’s long joined casual games at casinos while on tour and is “perfectly happy playing kitchen table poker for quarters and dollars.” The one tournament he competes in is the World Series of Poker every year.He won a $1,500 buy-in Seven Card Stud event in 2018.“I was never short on chips in that tournament. I was never really faced with a tough decision in that tournament. That one felt like it was sort of dealt to me,” he said.AdvertisementNot so this time. The local rock-legend was all-in “eight or 10 times” this tournament. The odds of all those near-fatal bets falling through were low, he reckoned.“This one also felt like a fluke,” he said.If luck propelled Albini to victory, it may have come from the special buckeyes his wife gave him. He kept them in his pocket as he played.“Not so much as a lucky talisman, but to remind me of how much I love my wife,” Albini said.While it takes a lot more than luck to win two World Series of Poker events, Albini has “no illusions” about his ability to play professional poker. While he’s proud he punched above his weight, he doesn’t think he can compete with more dedicated players and isn’t willing to dedicate the time to take his game to the next level.“I have a wife and a business and an occupation and a band and two cats and a bicycle and a garden. I have things that I have to do in my life,” Albini said, adding that if poker became his livelihood, it might also become less fun.AdvertisementAs he weathered all-in hand after all-in hand, Albini said he didn’t feel emotional. Instead, he was doing the same arithmetic poker always requires of him, gleaning information from exposed cards and subtle expressions.That coldblooded calculus doesn’t relate to music production or anything else in his life, Albini said.“In order to succeed in poker, you need to be pointedly deceptive. You need to be pouncing on the weaknesses of other people and you need to exploit other people’s mistakes,” he said. “Those are sociopathic tendencies.”After playing nearly 40 hours over three days, Albini was awarded his second “bracelet,” the signature top prize of World Series of Poker events. He snagged it off the felt and rushed to show it to his friends after his victory. But the bracelet fell to the floor and a link broke off.“They’re not jewelry, they’re more like fairground trinkets,” Albini said. The producer, famous for his raw, analog style, said he might leave the prize broken to remember.The everlasting, hypnotic pandemonium of the casino floor left Albini with little sense of time as he took his friends out for celebratory tacos.Advertisement“I couldn’t tell you if it was 12:01 or four in the morning,” he said.He decided to enter a $10,000 buy-in H.O.R.S.E. event next. It started Monday evening, and he was set to face off against a professional-filled field.“I don’t have to have any expectation of winning to have an expectation of winning some money,” he said before the tournament started.Albini ran out of chips by the end of the tournament’s opening day.jsheridan@chicagotribune.comTwitter @jakesheridan_

Dear Amy: I have been with my boyfriend for four years. Our daughter recently turned three. He also has a daughter from another relationship. She is 15.My boyfriend is white. I am Black. His older daughter’s mother is biracial.AdvertisementMy boyfriend’s mother, “Shelly,” has a long history of drug and alcohol abuse.She also has a habit of calling us when she is in an altered state and crying about other issues in her life.AdvertisementRecently, we had a birthday party for our daughter. Shelly attended.My parents take care of our daughter during the day. She sees a speech therapist, occupational therapist, and a behavioral therapist during the week.Our daughter puts her fingers in her ears when noises are too loud and overwhelming for her. She did this several times throughout her party.Afterward, Shelly called my boyfriend (while high) and said that her feelings were hurt because our daughter put her fingers in her ears when she was trying to talk to her. She said that our daughter is unsocialized/uncivilized because she is Black.For me, this was the last straw. Since our daughter’s birth, her grandmother has excluded her, neglected to treat her as well as her other grandchildren, and has overall been a troublesome, toxic presence.He doesn’t want to cut ties with his mother, and I would never ask him to. He is conflicted about this.I have no intention of being around his mother or of letting our daughter visit.Do you think I am unreasonable?Advertisement– Unsure in DecaturDear Unsure: First this. Your daughter has another parent – her father. You two should talk this through and try your hardest to come to an agreement on a response to his mother’s conduct.I do agree that for the time being, you should not have your young daughter spend time with her grandmother – certainly unsupervised.First off, even when she is sober, this grandmother obviously does not understand or have the capacity to cope with your daughter’s sensory processing issues. Your daughter’s response to noise and chaos is her (very logical) way of trying to cope when her brain is overloaded with too many different cues coming from different directions.Second, “Shelley” is rarely sober. The way you describe her behavior, she could inspire any thinking person to stick their fingers in their ears.Third: Your partner’s mother is a racist, and your daughter is a person of color. As you no doubt know from your own life, you cannot protect your daughter from encountering racism or prejudice. But protecting her now – when she is young and vulnerable – is a start.AdvertisementDear Amy: My partner and I are in the habit of watching TV together in the evenings. Recently he’s grown restless with the choices and checks out on his earbuds listening to music or other videos.Earbuds are hard to see, so I’ve asked him several times to let me know when he’s popping them in so I don’t try to start a conversation.He never does.Should I just let it go, or do you agree that saying, “I’m going to listen to music now” is such a huge ask?I suspect I’m not the only one with this peeve.– Falling on Deaf EarsAdvertisementDear Falling: It occurs to me that the modern ability to enjoy personal entertainments has passively resolved many disputes over who controls the remote. (Remember those?)Your husband might believe that saying, “I’m going to listen to music now” would interrupt your flow and your enjoyment. He wants to sit alongside you and experience a parallel enjoyment.Maybe you should just assume that at some point during your evening routine he will pop in the old earbuds – so you can double-check with him by tapping on his knee: (“Hey, do you have your earbuds in?”) before you try to start a conversation.Dear Amy: No no no! I could not believe your response to “Charlie,” who had three photos of his long-ago ex-wife taken during their youth in a photo album.Charlie’s wife wanted him to destroy these photos and you suggested that he completely disregard her discomfort and wishes! This is not how to stay happily married, Amy. I’m very surprised.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.– DisappointedAdvertisementDear Disappointed: My response to “Charlie” inspired a wave of universal “NO, NO, NO” from readers. (Finally, everybody agrees on one of my answers!)I was overly focused on the idea of “destroying” these photos.But yes – removing them from the album would be a good idea.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Dear Amy: After 36 years, I found out via a DNA test that the father of my daughter was the product of a one-night stand, and that she is not the daughter of the man I married.All those years ago, when I found out I was pregnant I married the man I was dating and in love with. I’ve had no contact with the one-night stand man since the morning after.AdvertisementDo I tell my daughter?I’m mostly concerned about this because she knows that the man I married (her non-DNA dad, who I later divorced) is an alcoholic. His mother and two aunts each died of genetic cancers.AdvertisementIf she learns about her DNA, my daughter will no longer believe she carries those potentially life-ending traits, but I still wonder if she should be told.I certainly don’t want to tell my ex-husband – and won’t.– Mama’s Baby, Daddy’s maybeDear Mama: Yes, you should tell your daughter.If you can’t justify telling her the truth about her genetic history simply because it is the truth (and medically important to her), consider this: She’s going to find out, anyway.The ubiquity of DNA testing is quickly blowing the lid off of family secrets, and the speed of this huge and sweeping change also gives you an out.You don’t actually have to spend years sitting on this knowledge and wrestling with this dilemma.Because she’s going to find out, anyway. So tell her now.AdvertisementPeople should know the truth about their DNA heritage, if at all possible. Sometimes the truth carries tremendous surprises or huge challenges. Oftentimes it answers deep-seated questions people have held but never expressed – about hair or eye color, posture, preferences and personality.Your daughter might be truly shocked by this revelation.She might blame or judge you for your long-ago one-night-stand. Given the genetic history you cite, she might also feel a sense of relief.Regardless of how she greets this news, you are ethically bound to deliver it.Dear Amy: My husband had a vasectomy 15 years ago – after having two children in his previous marriage.I was 18 when we married and assured him (and myself) that I was OK not having a baby of our own and that I was fine with the little family we had.AdvertisementFast-forward a few years. We’ve now been married for six years.I’m now 24, and brought up the topic of wanting a baby to my husband.(It’s weird how you change from 18 to 24).We started going to consultations, found a doctor we loved, and got a credit card just to pay for the procedure.Last night, he admitted to me that he never wanted to have another baby, and that he was just going through the motions to make me happy.He said he does not want to raise another baby in his 40s.AdvertisementI am heartbroken and I just want to move on and stop crying over a child I never had.Your advice?– Childless NOT by ChoiceDear Childless: The choice to have a vasectomy is a pretty solid indicator that your husband had made up his mind about not fathering more children; you obviously discussed this before marrying, and it sounds as if he has done his best to be honest with you.However, you were still a teenager when you and he married, and he – as the far older person – should have anticipated that you would continue to mature and change.This is the most important issue you will face as a couple, and whatever choice you make will affect the rest of your lives in a primary and deeply important way.AdvertisementIt is extremely unlikely that your desire for a child will lessen with time – instead, this yearning will grow.You and your husband should see an experienced couples counselor who could help you to navigate through this extremely thorny issue. You would also benefit from individual counseling.Dear Amy: May I suggest what we do with unsolicited cards? We donate them to a local women’s prison. The ladies are unable to purchase birthday and other cards for their loved ones but still like to remember their folks on special days.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Perhaps other towns have similar programs. Hope this helps!– AlisonDear Alison: I love this idea!AdvertisementMany prisons have extreme restrictions about material that can be donated. Obviously men as well as women would benefit from receiving blank cards (and stamps).Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

“I bought my home last fall and was pleasantly surprised by lots of flowering bulbs this spring and would like some tips on how to best care for them and choose more to plant this fall. Can I cut back the ugly foliage now?”— Tracy Patterson, Morton GroveAdvertisementBulbs do not require much maintenance. They will generally perform best in a location that is moist in spring and fall, and dry in summer. Most bulbs will not perform well in beds that are consistently moist or watered heavily throughout the summer. An important consideration for being successful with bulbs, like other plants, is choosing ones that are well-suited to the growing conditions in your garden. Plant daffodils and ornamental onions if you have rabbits and deer browsing in your garden. Tulips and crocuses are routinely eaten by deer and rabbits, but you can grow them by diligently spraying repellents in spring as they are growing. I have also seen plantings of crocus dug up by squirrels and chipmunks this spring as the foliage was going dormant.AdvertisementIt is tempting to cut back the bulb foliage before it should be trimmed, as the weather warms and the foliage looks increasingly worse. It is best to wait until the bulb foliage has gone dormant before cutting it back. The leaves will turn yellow to brown. Once the leaves have all turned yellow, it is OK to cut them back. The bulbs need their leaves to photosynthesize and make food that is stored to produce foliage and flowers next year. Cutting the foliage back too soon can reduce the vigor of the bulbs and flowering the next year. Tying up the leaves, bending them over and braiding the leaves are not good practices either as it reduces the leaf surface for photosynthesis. If you plant bulbs in the lawn, then you need to hold off on mowing the lawn in these areas to give the bulbs time to go dormant. You will probably need to cut the grass before the bulbs are completely dormant so set the mower at the highest setting to save as much of the bulb foliage as possible.Daffodils, above, and ornamental onions are good flowering bulbs to plant if you have rabbits and deer browsing in your garden. (RJ Carlson/Chicago Botanic Garden )I generally do not fertilize my bulbs, though they end up getting fertilized when the shrubs and perennials planted around them do. Phosphorus is often recommended for bulbs, but this nutrient does not readily move through the soil, so surface applications of it will do little good for any of the plants in your garden. Many garden soils already have adequate levels of phosphorus for plants to perform well. Test your soil if you want to know for sure.If an established patch of bulbs starts to bloom less or begins blooming sparsely, the bulbs may have become overcrowded, or the planting site too shady as adjacent trees have grown. That’s the signal to dig and divide or move them to another location. The first step is to lift the bulbs from the ground, being careful to dig the bulbs and not pull them up by the foliage. Take care when digging that you don’t damage the bulbs themselves. Start digging a few inches away from the plants and wait until the bulbs are loosened up before trying to pull them up. The best time to move or divide bulbs is when the foliage has gone dormant, meaning the leaves have finished producing food for next year’s flowers and you can still see their location.To divide bulbs, carefully pull the small bulbs from the base of the plant to increase plant numbers and gently separate them so that they can be planted with more spacing in their new location. The larger the small offset bulbs are, the sooner they will flower. Check the original bulb for firmness. If it appears in good health, go ahead and replant it; you may still get several years of flowering. If it appears shriveled or damaged, toss it.For more plant advice, contact the Plant Information Service at the Chicago Botanic Garden at plantinfo@chicagobotanic.org. Tim Johnson is senior director of horticulture at the Chicago Botanic Garden.

Dear Amy: My husband has girls from work that message him. Sometimes these are work-related, and sometimes not.When I stress that I don’t like it, he says it’s nothing I should be concerned about. He also says it’s unattractive for me to act this way, that they are his friends, and I need to get over it.AdvertisementI do not give other men my phone number.I know that he is flirtatious (whether he realizes it or not). Girls fawn over him because he’s such an attractive and nice guy.AdvertisementIf the situation was reversed and I was receiving messages from men, he would hate it. He’s comfortable with this double standard.I’m at my wits’ end because he just doesn’t get it.We’ve had infidelity issues in the past (on both sides), and I don’t trust his or others’ intentions.Am I wrong for feeling this way?– UpsetDear Upset: You aren’t “wrong” for feeling the way you feel. Your feelings are your feelings, and you get to have them.However, because you and your husband have a history of infidelity and a lack of trust (certainly on your part), you haven’t “normalized” friendships, work relationships, and communication between people.You don’t give your phone number to men. Why not? Don’t you have the right to communicate with male colleagues and friends?AdvertisementI assume this is because you are trying to demonstrate behavior you want your husband to mirror.Well, he’s not taking you up on it.You could do some work on your own to rebalance your attitude toward your friendships with men, making an effort to understand what a relaxed, confident, and totally trustworthy friendship with a man would feel like for you.Your husband is deriding your anxiety and your behavior when it surfaces. Yes, your reaction might be “unattractive,” but it is unkind for him to toss this at you, when he could – and should – be reassuring you.The standard practice when rebuilding trust is to share any contact that causes the partner anxiety. So he would show you his messages, tell you who he is receiving calls from (or calling), and you would do the same.And, even if he is a yummy charmer out in the world, he should always put you at the center.AdvertisementYou two are continuing to play out the dynamic leftover from your mutual infidelity.You could take this into the office of a skilled counselor, and come out with a new understanding and a new way of behaving toward each other.Dear Amy: I received two college graduation notifications and I am unsure what I should do.The first is from a friend whose daughter has graduated from a prestigious college.When she graduated from high school, we attended her graduation party and brought a gift that was personalized, unique, and useful for years to come.We never received a thank you. I personally picked it out and made sure we received it well before her graduation. When we went to her party, she barely acknowledged us.AdvertisementI know she may be different four or five years later, but it is still an irritant.The second graduate is a son of a niece who we have not met since he was a baby, if even that.We received an announcement of his graduation.Coincidentally, both grads went to the same college, although they don’t know each other.My plan is simply to send congratulation cards to each.Am I being small-minded?AdvertisementWhat is your suggested course of action? Should I still enclose a check?– WonderingDear Wondering: Because one of these young people is a stranger and the other has a bit of a history with you, you should think primarily about what would make YOU feel the best.Would it make you feel good to ignore the ungrateful grad? (It might…).I’d probably send a card and a very modest amount to both, congratulating them and telling them that their first post-grad cappuccino (or martini) is on you.You will not be thanked.AdvertisementDear Amy: You are so good at what you do, but I wish life were as easy as you make it seem.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Many days my wife and I discuss your advice. I’ll read a letter out loud, and we both try to guess what you’ll say.After we both had our turns, I do the “reveal” and we’d decide who was closer.– RandyDear Randy: Many families report doing this together – and it makes me extremely happy. Thank you!Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.AdvertisementSign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

There will be some very confused moths this summer in some parts of Cook, DuPage, Kane, Kendall and other Illinois counties. And that’s good news for trees.The insects are spongy moths (Lymantria dispar dispar, formerly known as gypsy moths), whose caterpillars are a serious threat to oaks and other trees because they are “feeding machines,” according to Stephanie Adams, a plant pathologist in plant health care at The Morton Arboretum in Lisle. To combat their spread, the Illinois Department of Agriculture is using small planes to apply a treatment called SPLAT that keeps the adult moths from reproducing by disrupting their mating.AdvertisementThe treatment uses sex pheromones to lure male moths away from the females. It is specifically targeted to spongy moths, so it doesn’t affect other species, and it is biodegradable and nontoxic to humans and other animals. The Arboretum is one of the sites where SPLAT will be applied.Spongy moth caterpillars kill trees by removing too many of the leaves the trees need to live. “The caterpillars eat at just an incredible rate,” Adams said. “A large caterpillar can eat a square foot of foliage a day.” Some 300 species of trees are on the menu, including oak, maple, apple, crabapple, hickory, birch, pine, spruce and willow. The moths’ populations tend to rise and fall in cycles, but when populations surge in an area, they can do widespread damage.AdvertisementA tree may not die right away, according to Sharon Yiesla, plant knowledge specialist in the Arboretum’s Plant Clinic. “But if a tree loses most of its leaves two or three times, it’s not going to be able to recover,” she said. “And if an evergreen tree loses more than 50 percent of its needles, it can’t come back.”The moths have been spreading steadily through North America since the 1860s, when they were imported as part of a failed effort to begin a silkworm industry. Their voracious caterpillars have caused widespread damage to forests, parks and trees in streets and yards.The caterpillars of spongy moths are voracious feeders and can kill trees by repeatedly eating most of their leaves. (Karla Salp/Washington State Department of Agriculture)The caterpillars, the larval stage of the moth’s life cycle, start eating at the top of a tree’s leafy canopy when they are small. “We may not even know they’re there,” Yiesla said. If you notice that your tree is getting thin on top, use binoculars to look for the caterpillars. They are dark colored and covered with spiky hairs, with five pairs of blue bumps and six pairs of red bumps along their bodies and are about 2½ inches long at their largest stage.If you think you have spongy moth caterpillars in a tree, Adams suggested tying a strip of fabric around the trunk as a trap. “The caterpillars come down out of the canopy at night,” she said. “And they will go underneath the fabric band. In the morning, you can squish them.”Over the winter and into early spring, you may be able to see egg masses closer to the ground. They are tan or light brown and 1 to 2 inches across, with a spongy, fuzzy texture. The egg masses may be on tree bark or any flat surface, such as lawn furniture, sheds or sculptures. “You can remove them and drop them into a bucket of soapy water to kill the eggs,” Yiesla said.Spongy moths are spread geographically when they lay eggs on movable surfaces such as vehicles, firewood or camping equipment that people carry to new sites. Vacationers can help slow the spread by examining their cargo carefully for the tawny-colored egg masses before leaving home, and by buying and burning firewood near the campsite. Bringing wood from home can spread eggs of spongy moths or other pests.Consult with an arborist about a heavy infestation of spongy moth caterpillars. There are insecticides that may help if the right chemical is used, if it is applied by a professional at the right time in the insect’s life cycle and if the tree is not already too badly stressed or damaged. Spraying a large, mature tree is difficult and likely to be expensive.To address adult moths, which emerge in June and July, pheromone traps are available that lure in male moths. However, Adams pointed out that the traps may not reduce your tree’s infestation because they attract moths from far beyond your yard. “You may end up with more moths,” she said.AdvertisementFor tree and plant advice, contact the Plant Clinic at The Morton Arboretum (630-719-2424, mortonarb.org/plant-clinic, or plantclinic@mortonarb.org). Beth Botts is a staff writer at the Arboretum.

Dear Readers: With wedding season upon us and in-person celebrations returning, I decided to devote a column to wedding mishaps – all sent in by readers.Perhaps reading about some of the things that can go wrong at a wedding will inspire people to avoid these pitfalls.AdvertisementAnd if these incidents can’t be avoided, marrying couples can try to embrace them and laugh about it all later.So take your seat at the “singles” table – and enjoy!AdvertisementDear Amy: My brother got married at our house in front of a bay window with a magnificent view of the Concord River.Halfway through the ceremony, his stoner friend from high school arrived in a canoe, stumbled ashore, and wobbled his way up the yard in full view of the guests. Hilarious backdrop!– I Was SoberDear Amy: My long-ago boyfriend invited me as his “plus one.”Once we got there it was obvious that he was invited solo, as there was no table card for me.My father once said, “There’s always someone at a wedding who shouldn’t be there.” In that instance it was me!– Plus OneDear Amy: My two brothers-in-law offered to be our photographers for our wedding.AdvertisementMy sisters had each just had their firstborns.There were a few photos of my husband and me, but most were of their little darlings.The other photos were of my husband’s buxom cousin in her revealing cleavage. Sigh.– BustedDear Amy: The first song at my uncle’s second wedding: David Lee Roth’s cover of “Just a Gigolo.”And the bride’s uncle later had a coronary while dancing the polka.Advertisement– Danced OutDear Amy: My friend and his date “Sheila” were heavily making out on the dance floor; Sheila later hit on multiple other (married) guests and then told my mom how hot she thought the groom was.My mom replied: “Yes, that’s my new son-in-law.”– Good TimesDear Amy: An unsupervised child at my wedding was running around and ran into a door. Got a nosebleed. The mother went to my father (father of the bride) to demand the venue’s wedding coordinator be fired for negligence. They stormed out when my dad refused.(The child was fine, by the way!)Advertisement– Still MarriedDear Amy: We were letting immediate family members know the date we’d finally chosen for our wedding before booking vendors.My parents said, “…but we have Notre Dame football tickets that day.”We tried other dates, but they all interfered with their football ticket schedule.We don’t talk anymore.– Fighting IrishAdvertisementDear Amy: I locked the keys in a running limo in front of the church (in the ‘80s), which meant needing a phone book and the minister’s office phone to frantically find a locksmith.– Locked OutDear Amy: I was a member of a flash mob at the reception. Short version of the story: Another member of the mob couldn’t kick as high as he thought he could (due to overly tight suit pants), and ended up kicking the bride in the head. Everyone was fine.– We Have Video!Dear Amy: In my 20s I was in a friend’s wedding. A bunch of us rented a room together. I woke up in the middle of the night with a pounding head, so I drank a glass of water.It was a groomsman’s contact lens solution – and his lenses.Advertisement– Tastebuds are 20/20Dear Amy: Our rabbi thought our noon wedding was at 6 p.m. Luckily, one of our guests found a replacement rabbi who stopped by to marry us on his way to a funeral he was officiating.Our marriage has lasted for 28 years.– Happy it TookDear Amy: My college roommate wanted a child-free wedding, but her family pitched a fit that children wouldn’t be included.At the reception, one niece ran circles around the room, and then vomited on herself on the dais at the front of the room during the meal.Advertisement– I Won’t Have What She’s HavingDear Amy: The bride’s mom caught my buddy and his date in a delicate position in the bridal suite (and neither were in the wedding party).– Can’t Unsee ThatDear Amy: My best friend’s (drunk) uncle officiated at his wedding.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Drunk Uncle cleared his throat, produced a page he’d ripped out of his hotel room’s Bible, and began.– Gideon’s WayAdvertisementDear Amy: On the receiving line at my wedding, one of the guests told me, “If I had known you didn’t have a nice dress, I would have lent you mine.”– Dressed DownGot a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.