Browsing: Lifestyle

Dear Amy: My younger sister is 54. She has been divorced three times and has a teenage daughter.Both of our parents are deceased. My sister currently has a nice boyfriend she has lived with for a few years.AdvertisementThe issue is that she cannot seem to keep a job for longer than a year. She has been terminated from at least six jobs (that I can count) in the last 10 years.Although she blames others for these terminations, it is obvious that she is the problem.AdvertisementI want to discuss this with her without her getting defensive.I am recently comfortably retired and always feel somewhat guilty about her financial problems. I’ve had people tell me not to worry about her, because she always lands on her feet.One therapist told me: “Not my monkey, not my circus,” which helped for a few years — but every time she loses another job my heart sinks.Any suggestions on how to help her realize that she is the common denominator when it comes to losing these good jobs and to figure out what she is doing wrong?– Worried Older SisterDear Worried: My inexpert observation is that often within a family system, the people who might benefit the most from therapy are the least likely to seek it, while those around them seek professional help for how to manage the challenges of the troubled relationship.I would not use the terminology your therapist used, but I do agree with the thinking behind it.It is natural for you to want to take care of your younger sister. You probably absorbed this very basic lesson in childhood. This is both the joy and the burden of your birth order.AdvertisementHowever, your sister is not asking to be taken care of. She is not asking to be “fixed.” And you not only want to try to fix her, but you’d also like to control her reaction to your efforts.She likely believes that if the rest of the world would only line up and play fair with her, then she would receive the credit and stability she believes she deserves.However, if she currently enjoys a stable and positive home life, then she is a success along the most important metric by which human beings can be measured. Her partner is a nice guy who presumably loves her, her daughter is growing, and she has a caring older sister who is in her life. She is likely crafty and resourceful in that she lands on her feet after every failure. All good!If your sister ever asks you for your perspective, you should offer it.Until that day, you should relax into your big sister role and accept your flawed but scrappy younger sister, just as she is.Dear Amy: Sometimes, when my husband and I fight, it’s because I’ve been clumsy and done or said something impolite.AdvertisementHe responds in kind, and then insists on an apology, which I give.But when I ask him to apologize for his unkind reaction to my behavior, he says, “You started it, so I don’t need to apologize.”That is how all of our fights end: With him getting an apology and me getting nothing. Do you agree that the person who “started it” should never receive any apology?– One-sidedDear One-sided: None of what you two do would be considered “fighting fair.” This seems more like score-settling than mature adults offering sincere apologies and receiving forgiveness.If you two were in kindergarten and you deliberately hit your husband with a ball, and then he picked it up and hit you right back, a teacher would ask you both to apologize to one another, because you’ve both done something you shouldn’t have done that has hurt the other.AdvertisementTo me, the basic geometry of your interactions seems imbalanced.But apologies, forgiveness, and reconciliation are not points on a protractor.You two should not only settle scores, but actually attempt to reconcile and rebalance. And this man who values apologies so much should learn how to offer one.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Dear Amy: “Snacked” wrote to you about her husband’s refusal to offer their grandchild healthy snacks. I loved this line: “Kids … can happily eat broccoli trees dipped in yogurt — until Mr. Oreo comes to town.”But don’t you think parents take this “healthy snacking” thing a little too far?– WonderingAdvertisementDear Wondering: Anything can be taken too far. But overall – I think this “healthy snacking” trend is an extremely positive step.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

The city of Chicago will spend $500,000 to support abortion access for residents and people from neighboring states in anticipation of Roe v. Wade being overturned, Mayor Lori Lightfoot announced Monday.The money will go toward transportation, lodging, care “and, if necessary, safe and legal access to an abortion procedure,” Lightfoot said.AdvertisementMayor Lori Lightfoot and Illinois members of Congress hold a press conference on May 3 in the offices of Planned Parenthood of Illinois in reaction to the leaked draft decision from Supreme Court that showed justices’ intention to overturn Roe v. Wade. (E. Jason Wambsgans / Chicago Tribune)Lightfoot’s pledge comes after a leaked draft of a Supreme Court ruling previewed the overturning of Roe v. Wade, the landmark abortion rights case. Reiterating a concern she first expressed after the opinion leaked, Lightfoot said the case’s repeal could lead to gay and interracial marriages being outlawed.“The architects of this destruction will not stop at a woman’s right to choose,” she said in a statement released last week, the day the draft decision was first reported by Politico. “The Court’s draft opinion will establish a precedent for gutting the legal underpinnings used to protect against gender-based discrimination overall including women’s rights, trans rights, immigrant rights, and of course, the right to same-sex and interracial marriage. This decision truly epitomizes the dangers that exist at the intersection of racism and sexism.”AdvertisementLightfoot’s announced the new funding as part of what the city called the “Justice for All Pledge,” made in direct response to the leaked draft of the Supreme Court ruling.“This pledge signals that the City will continue to be a safe haven for all who are unjustly denied the resources and opportunities they deserve; to fight for the rights of all people; and to ensure that no person will be attacked, assaulted, bullied, or discriminated against because of who they are, the choices they make regarding their bodily autonomy, or who they love,” a news release said.As it relates to reproductive health, the pledge is to “protect and increase access for all safe reproductive, obstetric, and gynecological healthcare regardless of the patient’s age, sex, gender identity, race, disability, sexual orientation, socioeconomic status, place of residence, or immigration status in order to support the choices of all people to have or not bear children on their terms.”Advertisement

Dear Amy: I am a recovering alcoholic, currently celebrating seven years of sobriety.A dear friend of over 30 years, “Brett,” is in a relationship with an alcoholic woman named “Emily.”AdvertisementBrett has rescued Emily from drunk-driving accidents before the police arrived. He has picked her up from work for being drunk at lunchtime. The list goes on and on.Emily lives with her elderly mother. Emily’s mother asked me to speak with her, and I did.AdvertisementEveryone agrees that Emily needs help, but nobody will take action. Emily cannot make any reasonable decisions for herself.Between Brett and the mother, they take turns every other weekend watching Emily. They hope for the best during the week.Brett and the mother are not alcoholic, so they may not understand the negative power of alcohol.However, it’s undeniable that no amount of “saving” is going to help this woman. She needs professional help! Both of these people love Emily, but the ripple effect of her alcoholism has reached a tipping point.Should I leave him to deal with this?Should I say to Brett: “Give me a call when she’s in detox/rehab?”I’d appreciate your advice.– Seven Years SoberAdvertisementDear Seven Years: You state that these enablers may not understand the negative power of alcohol. And yet they do understand this power because the job of keeping “Emily” alive is absorbing the full attention of two people. That’s power!Your question perfectly illustrates a point I often try to make: Addiction will absorb everyone in its path to varying degrees until the addict receives treatment. Case in point: Emily, Emily’s mother, your friend “Brett,” and now your relationship with all of them has been swallowed up by her disease.I suggest that you put this to them: “Emily has a disease. It’s called addiction use disorder. She needs treatment. If she had cancer or diabetes, wouldn’t you encourage her to get treatment?”They do not have the power to save Emily. Enabling at this level really is “playing God.” Imagine if Emily had landed in court-mandated rehab as a result of one of her drunken car accidents? She might be celebrating her own sobriety by now.My favorite phrase describing this dynamic is that people who repeatedly save addicts from the consequences of their disease are actually “loving them to death.”You are an alcoholic in recovery. You could take your friend to an Al-anon meeting; you could present him with some literature about co-dependency. Beyond that, you should not engage further, certainly if your own sobriety is threatened. Because then you would be one more casualty of this person’s disease.AdvertisementDear Amy: I realize I’m about to complain about a first-world problem, but I am a dad and will always want what is best for my boys.My wife and I have two awesome sons in their early 20s who live with us.Both have college degrees, are gainfully employed, and their moral compass points in the right direction. We are proud of them, we let them know it, and they know they are loved.However, their personal hygiene is poor, as is their diet, and they are not physically active, which has caused them to put on weight.Unless something changes, we are concerned it will only get worse.Our hope was that by exercising regularly and trying to eat well we were being good role models.AdvertisementHow can we encourage them to make healthier lifestyle choices without overstepping our boundaries or saying anything that could harm their self-esteem or make them feel shamed and insecure?– Worried DadDear Dad: These young men are living with you, and so your directives should be pointed toward behavior of theirs that affects the household.I’m talking about hygiene, here. I’m making assumptions, but if your sons are laying around the house in their own filth, playing video games and scarfing pizza (when they’re not at work), then you should lay down some very clear expectations.If they want to continue to live with you, they need to bathe each day, keep the common rooms clean, help with household chores, etc.I would not discuss their weight with them. Their weight is their business.AdvertisementAsk AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Dear Amy: Thank you for your tough response to “Wondering,” who labeled her ex-husband and son “bad men” and then wondered why her daughter would have any contact with them.I appreciated that you pointed out that parental alienation runs both ways.– Child of DivorceDear Child: Some people do the very thing they deplore.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Advertisement©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Dear Amy: My youngest daughter recently gave birth to her first child, a beautiful baby boy (our fourth grandchild but first grandson).I am having difficulty with the baby’s chosen name.AdvertisementHis first name, “Louis,” is after the baby’s father, and a family name — so he is the fourth male to be named that. I find it confusing and paternalistic but otherwise I like the name. It’s our grandson’s middle name I’m having the most difficulty with.His middle name: “Randall” is my husband’s middle name, and it was his father’s name.AdvertisementI know my daughter is honoring her father by giving the baby his middle name. What she doesn’t know is that my husband does not have one happy or warm memory of his father that he has ever shared (his father has been deceased for many years).My husband is very guarded with his words and feelings — but the things he has shared point to a cold and emotionally abusive father.I didn’t know beforehand what the middle name of the baby was going to be and so couldn’t discuss it with my daughter and her husband.Is this something I just need to get over? I feel sick when I think about it, and wish my beautiful grandson had his own name.– Upset GrandmaDear Upset: Your beautiful grandson does have his own name. And he shares a middle name with his wonderful grandfather.Naming a male child after his father, grandfather, etc., is the very essence of “paternalistic,” in that it is a legacy of “paterfamilias” — a father-figure. I fail to see anything “confusing” — or negative — about this.My own family has a very long and unbroken line of women named “Emily.” Is this “maternalistic”? Yes. Confusing? (Not to us.)AdvertisementDoes your husband loathe his middle name, “Randall” because it was his father’s name? Has your husband ever expressed to you that he wishes he had a different middle name? (It doesn’t sound as if you’ve discussed how he feels about this name’s impact on his own identity.)I wish you could see this as a tribute to your husband, versus honoring a challenging history that only you and your husband seem to know about (your daughter seems unaware).With this generation, your grandson will reclaim this name, continue to shine it up (your husband started the process), and restore its legacy.That seems like a very good thing for everyone.Yes, I think you should embrace this choice. And even if you can’t embrace it this is the parents’ choice to make.Dear Amy: I’m wondering if you could give me some advice about my marriage.AdvertisementI have been with my husband for 22 years. We have five children together, ages 20, 17, 14, 12, and four months old.I recently found out that my husband was messing around with a 25-year-old woman at his job.I was so hurt because we had just had our baby.I confronted him about it and, of course, he denied it, but I already knew it was true because I had seen text messages on his phone.I told him that if he continues to work there, we will have issues, and of course he is still employed there.I’m wondering — what I should do?Advertisement– HurtDear Hurt: If your husband wants to try to restore his relationship to you, he should admit to this, and start the process of trying to regain your trust by behaving differently.When couples are earnestly trying to reconnect, rebuild their relationship, and restore trust, they generally embark on a challenging process that involves a lot of effort and a lot of change. If the affair partner is a colleague, then yes – changing jobs would be part of this process.However, reading between the lines here, I sense that your husband isn’t eager or ready to make big changes.Marriage counseling would help both of you to talk about this — versus you making accusations and ultimatums, with him denying and ignoring. If he won’t attend, you should go by yourself.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Dear Amy: “SO Gauge” wrote to you about a model train set that had become an awkward item from childhood that the father was trying to give to the adult son.AdvertisementI loved your suggestion that the two men visit, set up the train, and get it running one time before perhaps selling the set online.– Big FanDear Fan: That idea was something of a cinematic fantasy on my part. I hope they do it.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Planning to dig a hole? To plant a tree, set a fence post, make a water garden, build a deck? Wait! There might be something down there.“Roots aren’t the only thing in the soil of your yard,” said Sharon Yiesla, plant knowledge specialist in the Plant Clinic at The Morton Arboretum in Lisle. “In city and suburban areas, there are lots of underground utility lines that you can easily damage with a shovel or a backhoe.”AdvertisementUnderground pipes and conduits bring services like natural gas, electricity, water, internet, cable TV and phone lines into your house and carry sewage away. It’s all too easy, when you dig a hole, to accidentally hit something important.Fortunately, utility companies and municipalities make it easy to steer clear of gas and electric lines. You make a phone call or enter a request online and a locator will come and mark the positions of those lines in your yard with spray paint or flags. The call and the service are free.AdvertisementWithin the Chicago city limits, call 811 or 312-744-7000 or visit ipi.cityofchicago.org/digger to enter your request online. Elsewhere in Illinois, call 811 or 800-892-0123 or visit juliebeforeyoudig.com to enter an online request with JULIE (Joint Utility Locating Information for Excavators), a not-for-profit founded by Illinois utility companies to avoid line damage.You need to place the request no more than 14 days before you start your project, but you also must allow a minimum of two business days for the locator to do the work, according to David Van Wy, damage prevention manager for JULIE.It’s a good idea to have utilities located early in your planning process. It will help you choose the best site for a new tree or structure. After you’ve settled on a safe location, you can select an appropriate tree species for that site. However, you will need to call for utility line location again a week or two before you actually start work, because the official location is only valid for 14 days.The locator will only mark gas and electric lines that were installed by the utilities or the municipality. Any lines added by the homeowner, such as a gas line connecting to an outdoor grill or an underground electrical conduit to a shed or garage, won’t be marked. “The utilities don’t even know about them,” Yiesla said. It’s up to you to keep a clear record of any private gas or electric lines that you or a previous owner has installed so you can avoid damaging them.Van Wy suggested having utility lines located as soon as you move into a new home, before you start any gardening. Keep a record of those locations and be very careful whenever you dig within 18 inches of them, he said. Utility lines may be in the top foot of soil, so even routine gardening risks disturbing them.The consequences of digging without locating utilities can be severe. Cutting electric lines can cause power outages. Even worse, breaking a gas line filled with natural gas at high pressure can set off an explosion and fire. In May 2021, a fire started when a homeowner in McHenry County struck a gas line while digging in the backyard. In 2019, a gas explosion and fire caused by digging destroyed five buildings in San Francisco, less than a decade after a similar error in nearby San Bruno leveled 37 houses and killed eight people.Many home projects, not just tree planting, involve digging far enough down to strike gas or electric lines. If you’re building a deck, the footings for the support posts need to be set at least 36 inches deep. Landscape projects such as patios, paths and water gardens need excavations to make space for the underlying gravel layers. Regrading to change the slope of a lot may also endanger utility lines.“Learning what is underground is part of assessing the conditions in your home landscape,” Yiesla said. “For example, if you want to plant a tree in a particular site, you need to know about the sun and soil conditions. You need to look overhead to see if the tree would run into power lines as it grows. And you need to be sure there isn’t anything important below the soil that could be damaged when you dig the hole.”AdvertisementFor tree and plant advice, contact the Plant Clinic at The Morton Arboretum (630-719-2424, mortonarb.org/plant-clinic, or plantclinic@mortonarb.org). Beth Botts is a staff writer at the Arboretum.

Dear Amy: After many years of exchanging gifts with my brother-in-law and his wife, my husband and I decided we didn’t want to do it anymore.We are trying to get rid of things. We have too much stuff!AdvertisementThe gifts were getting more extravagant and some we didn’t even like or use (and gifts we had given them ended up in their garage sale, so this was mutual). It was sucking the joy out of the holidays.After politely telling them we no longer wanted to exchange gifts for holidays or birthdays, they ignored our request.AdvertisementThe first year, we were given Christmas presents and had nothing for them. I was embarrassed and reiterated that we didn’t want to do this anymore and that their gifts made me uncomfortable.The next time my birthday gift arrived with a card that said it was from their dog, so technically it wasn’t from them. Ha-ha.And still it continues. I even stopped writing thank you notes.I fluctuate between feeling like the Grinch and feeling angry because I feel disrespected.How should we handle this?– Not GiftedDear Not: The negative spin on this is that your in-laws are being deliberately disrespectful.Another way to see this is that they are as filled with anxiety about gift-giving (or their perceptions of cultural or family pressure) as you are about receiving – and they can’t seem to find a way to stop.AdvertisementThe clue that they have received and understand your message and intent — but may not be able to stop themselves — is when they sent a gift “from” their dog. That’s just sad.Because your very reasonable and direct communication has not been respected, you might get some headway by giving them a specific directive: “We understand your desire to be generous gift givers, even though as we’ve said, we really don’t want to continue to receive. So, in the future, can we ask you to direct your giving to [a favorite local charity] on our behalf? That would mean a lot to us.”If – despite all this — you continue to receive material gifts, very quickly donate them and … let it go.I’m sure readers will want to weigh in.Dear Amy: My kids are now in their 40s and have children of their own.In the past, I’ve enjoyed selecting “just the right gift” for each grandchild and mailing it. I liked to visualize delight in the child’s eyes receiving a wrapped gift in the mail from their grandparents.AdvertisementOn occasion, we’ll get a thank you note back, but more often than not – nothing.Before Christmas last year, we receiving a formal letter typed on my son’s business letterhead telling us that their child “doesn’t need any more of your toys and clothes.” This letter demanded instead that we send money directly to the child’s new bank account. Deposit slips were enclosed.We were shocked. While perhaps they should get points for being practical, the kids are very young, and I find this directive offensive.My husband threw it in the trash.What to do?– Grandma in AZAdvertisementDear Grandma: This letter regarding your gift-giving was particularly cold and unkind.That having been said, many young and prosperous families do complain about their children receiving an overabundance of gifts.You might choose to accept their directive, with a slight twist.You could let this family know that for future gift-giving occasions, you will send the child a card, and if you choose to give money to the child, you will place the funds into an account that you will set up, turning the money over to the child at some future date.I hope you will turn your material generosity toward children who really value it, donating gifts to your local “Toys for Tots” campaign, or your local children’s hospital’s holiday appeal.Dear Amy: “Dreamer” was dreaming about contacting her first love.AdvertisementMy advice? Let it go. Don’t do it. Get help and get past it. Nothing good will come of it and the repercussions will last a lifetime.After 22 happy years, my husband and I hit a rough patch and I had an emotional affair with my first love — my high school boyfriend.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.It broke something in our marriage. Five years later, my husband had an affair.It ruined our marriage and our business, wounded our daughter deeply, and our son is still a mess.– Regret it DailyDear Regret It: What a tough lesson. I’m sorry.AdvertisementGot a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2022 Amy Dickinson.

Despite the rainy and windy week, Mexican artisans from the state of Tlaxcala were committed to finishing two monumental stone carpets adorning Daley Plaza.On Thursday afternoon the group finally completed the carpets after a month of planning and several setbacks because of the weather, said artisan Francisco Montiel. Each carpet was designed to depict the ties between Chicago and the people of Mexico.AdvertisementThe endeavor was a part of the first-ever Mexico Week, in which the consul general of Mexico in Chicago organized several events to celebrate Mexican culture and aim to challenge the stereotypical Cinco de Mayo celebrations taking place.Other commemorations include a special dish created by chef Carlos Gaytán of Tzuco restaurant, the exhibition “Images of Mexico,” at the Mexican Consulate, the inauguration of the Wings of Mexico sculpture downtown and a ceremony to name the library of Instituto Cervantes after the Mexican writer José Emilio Pacheco.AdvertisementArtisans Juan Hernandez, left, and Daniel Balderas work on the creation of the Huamantla Carpets at Daley Plaza in Chicago on May 4, 2022. (Jose M. Osorio / Chicago Tribune)On a rainy evening Mayor Lori Lightfoot gathered with Ambassador Reyna Torres Mendivil, congressman Jesús “Chuy” García, and several other Mexican government officials to take a picture in front of the Wings of Mexico sculpture placed in the Plaza of the Americas on the Magnificent Mile.The sculpture by Jorge Marín which will remain in the plaza until Oct. 1, celebrates Chicago as a welcoming city for immigrants and refugees. Behind the sculpture of the wings, there was another elaborate carpet. Montiel and his team, he said, are honored to adorn some of Chicago’s most emblematic places with the picturesque carpets traditional to his hometown of Huamantla, a city in Tlaxcala in Mexico.Though the materials used for the carpets created in the city had to be adapted to fit Chicago’s weather, the carpets are “extremely similar” to the ones he elaborated under team Arte Magico De Huamantla in Mexico, Montiel said. Rather than using sawdust, flowers and fruits, the carpets in Daley Plaza were made of stones.In Huamantla, the carpets are created on the streets to adorn the town every August as part of a religious tradition to honor La Virgen de la Caridad — Our Lady of Charity — and as a symbol of gratitude for health and a good harvest.Artisan Fransicso Montiel works with others as they create the carpet at Daley Plaza in Chicago on May 4, 2022. (Jose M. Osorio / Chicago Tribune)While creating the work, which features an image of The Bean and the Chicago flag, Montiel invited passersby to contribute by helping to add stones to the design or hearing the history of the carpets.“We wanted to make sure that we made this more interactive so that the people of Chicago can feel our warmth,” Montiel said in Spanish.An expert in carpet-making art, Montiel grew up in Huamantla, Tlaxcala, and learned the trade while growing up, he said. Over the past decade, he has taken his art to various parts of the world.Advertisement“We always feel welcomed here,” he said. “I enjoyed the questions from people passing by asking us about the carpets because we got a chance to share our story and our art.During the gathering at the Plaza of Americas, Lightfoot commended Torres Mendivil for her work in Chicago as the first woman to serve as the consul general in Chicago and said she was “an asset” to the Chicago area that is home to more than 1.5 million people of Mexican origin. ¡La Semana de México llegará pronto a Chicago! Del 2 al 10 de mayo habrá un gran despliegue de cultura, color y tradiciones mexicanas 🇲🇽 en los lugares más representativos de la ciudad. ¡Acompáñanos!#SemanaDeMéxicoEnChicago2022 pic.twitter.com/zmmfecvE82— Consulado General de México en Chicago (@ConsulMexCho) May 1, 2022

“The Week of Mexico pays tribute to the long-standing strong ties between the city of Chicago and Mexico. It showcases the important contributions and influence that Mexico has had in every aspect of our city of Chicago,” Lightfoot said.While Chicago is home to migrants from all over the world, Mexican immigrants make up the largest group. Torres Mendivil said that events seek to also highlight the diverse backgrounds and traditions of the Mexican communities living in Chicago. Tlaxcala, for example, is the smallest state in Mexico and therefore, often overlooked.Montiel said that having the opportunity to create their carpets in Chicago can open a new world for many people and invites everyone to visit Tlaxcala.larodriguez@chicagotribune.com

Dear Amy: Recently I have been out with a couple of different “gal pals” who openly and loudly ridiculed people in public who were significantly overweight/obese.With several family members who fight weight problems, it really galls me.AdvertisementIn the first instance, I was so taken aback I could not reply; in the second situation, I briefly talked about eating disorders.My pal “Marlene” didn’t get it. Her point of pride: “If that were me, I would lock myself in a room until I lost the weight. That’s all that man has to do.”AdvertisementPlease suggest how I might respond in the future; I will not sit back and listen to rude comments and lack of understanding again.Finding the right assertive words to support people is so needed in our world where people look, speak, or behave differently.I don’t want to make enemies; I would rather help others understand.Your ideas?– From the HeartlandDear Heartland: People of all sizes have the right to live in their bodies and walk around in public unremarked upon. They have the right to live amongst other humans without being judged and sneered at. These rights are pretty basic.Don’t bother lecturing these women about eating disorders. Not all obese people have eating disorders, and not all obese people hate their bodies or long to be thin.When it comes to genius “comebacks” to this sort of bullying, I’m reminded of a legendary moment on the old Johnny Carson show.AdvertisementLarger-than-life maverick genius film director Orson Welles (a man of many adjectives) was a guest on the show, along with the troubled and famously loudmouth actor Robert Blake.Robert Blake enters, looks Welles up and down and says to him: “You make Wimpy look skimpy!”Welles immediately shoots back: “I’m fat and you’re ugly … but I can diet.”There is a range for how you could respond.You could say, “How about we don’t slam and shame other human beings who are just out having their own kind of day, and whose only crime was to leave the house? These comments are ‘not a good look’ on you.”Idea # 2 (which might convert these friends into frenemies): “Maybe we should rethink who really needs to be put in the closet, ‘Marlene.’”AdvertisementThere’s also a response that might inspire these women to reflect on their own behavior, without you directing them to: You pack up your stuff and simply say, “I don’t like to witness you two behaving this way. I’ve decided to go.”Dear Amy: I am the youngest of many siblings.I found out two years ago that we have a half-brother. I reached out to him, but never heard back.Only two of my siblings know. One is very upset and angry (I think he just wants to protect our deceased father’s reputation). The other sibling seems indifferent.I’m very passionate about meeting our brother.Finally, last week I reached out to his wife.AdvertisementShe responded and told me that he has only a couple of weeks (perhaps a month) to live.I believe all of my siblings have a right to know and decide if they want contact with him before he dies, but I’m confused about what to do.Shortly before his own death, our father met this son and told him that neither my mom nor his other children knew about him – and he wanted to keep it that way.Should I tell them and risk the emotional issues it will cause for them – or not tell them and deny them the knowledge of another brother?– Desperate and ConfusedDear Desperate: It says a lot about how tightly your family holds onto secrets that some siblings have known about this half-brother for a long time, but haven’t disclosed it to the others.AdvertisementAt this point, all of your concern should be directed toward the dying man, who presumably lacks the strength to cope with your family’s drama.You should reach out to his wife, see him right away (if he wants), and offer him the option of further contact with you and other siblings. Bring family photos from your shared parentage, and deal with your siblings afterward.Dear Amy: “Dreamer” had persistent thoughts and dreams about her first love.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.I appreciated your interpretation for how her subconscious might be using these dreams to repair events from her past.I’m wrestling with something similar. I’m inspired to take a fresh look at what’s behind my own ruminations.– GratefulAdvertisementDear Grateful: Dreams can deliver longed-for answers.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

For a number of culinary-minded Chicagoans, the name Beatnik conjures visions of the tropical, boho-opulent restaurants of Bonhomme Group, whose signature daring, outrageous color schemes are also found at its fancy and fanciful Celeste and the fringy glow of late-night burlesque at Bordel.Ever the innovator, Bonhomme frontman Dani Alonso is taking his penchant for the maximalist aesthetic to Galicia, Spain, where he is opening his first hotel, Casa Beatnik, a camellia pink boutique inn 20 minutes south of Santiago de Compostela on the Iberian Peninsula’s northwestern tip.AdvertisementCasa Beatnik is a colorfully renovated boutique hotel housed in a Spanish countryside manor with a working vineyard in Galicia, which borders Portugal on the Iberian Peninsula. (Andrea Caccuro)“I offer the rare combination of both an outsider and an insider’s perspective. I’ve been coming to Galicia my entire life, almost 46 years, consistently for weeks at a time,” he says. Alonso’s parents are natives of Galicia, and he has spent summers there every year with his family.Alonso describes Galicia as a region “steeped in tradition but rebelling against it.” He’s in love with its coastal fishing villages, its beaches, its grassy and mossy granite countryside peppered with vineyards and farmland, and its unique culture and language, influenced both by its neighbor, Portugal, and by the Celts who populated it in the fifth and sixth centuries.AdvertisementPorto, his lush West Town Chicago restaurant, which earned a Michelin star in 2021, reflects that love, and now so will Casa Beatnik.“When you’re going to have the audacity, as we have had, to cross the Atlantic and plant ourselves here and plant the Bonhomme flag in Spain, I think that Galicia deserves tremendous respect,” Alonso says. “The stories that we want to tell we had to meet our audacity with boldness and a serious investment.”As with the world’s best hotels, guests will find themselves plagued with the perfect conundrum: stay on-site and soak up the property’s unique splendor and charming hospitality, or leave your home base to explore the rich region that surrounds you. Plan well to allow time for both.Casa Beatnik is a colorfully renovated boutique hotel housed in a Spanish countryside manor with a working vineyard in Galicia, which borders Portugal on the Iberian Peninsula. (Andrea Caccuro)Casa Beatnik is a colorfully renovated boutique hotel housed in a Spanish countryside manor with a working vineyard in Galicia, which borders Portugal on the Iberian Peninsula. (Andrea Caccuro)Former home of late 19th-century Galician novelist, theologian and historian Antonio Lopez Ferreiro, the 7-acre property lies just a few clicks downhill from the ninth-century Camino de Santiago. Known in English as the Way of St. James and marked with a yellow scallop shell logo, it’s historically part of one of the three great pilgrimages of Christendom, and this final ⅔-mile stretch remains popular for both pilgrims and tourists.For years, the property existed as a pazo, a traditional countryside manor common in Galicia, and later as a family-run hotel and winery producing the local white Rías Baixas Albariño from old vines.Alonso and his brother Juan Carlos, who moved to Galicia to oversee the project, completely transformed the space, preserving historic and traditional elements like the pergola-style grape trellises in the working vineyard, and the stone chapel, while adding luxurious globally sourced flourishes to the 14 guest rooms within. “We ourselves are travelers and nomads, having crossed the ocean to come here. We have that sensibility,” Alonso says. “So we wanted to create a place that celebrates, you know, our favorite things from around the world.”When you visit, you are quite likely to lose track of your travel companion for a time. You might find them sunk deep into a cozy couch, lolling under Italian Murano glass chandeliers; strolling past leafy grape vines, camellia bushes and fruit trees; gazing into the stream-fed koi pond; or enjoying a Licor 43-based lemon drop cocktail while standing in the red-tiled saltwater pool. The Bonhomme team designed the 21-plus space in vignettes, a collection of experiential moments to immerse and get lost in, like a corn maze for the caviar set.There’s a sauna and spa, therapeutic massages and yoga, plus glamping yurts for the cycling and Camino crowd. And the aforementioned chapel? The Alonsos converted the sacred space into The Cottage, a sultry, secret sleeping spot for the ultimate privacy seekers clocking in at a luxurious 860 square feet.AdvertisementGlamping yurts look out on Albarino grape vines at Casa Beatnik. (Andrea Caccuro)Rooms, which start at approximately $315 per night, are spacious and comfortable, and are furnished with the same eye for global design as the common spaces, draped with Suzani throws, antique furniture and free-standing Antoniolupi bathtubs. There’s Wi-Fi throughout, but you’re just as likely to find no need for Netflix or email in such dazzling surroundings.As with its two Chicago locations, Beatnik restaurant is dripping with signature Alonso vibes, with piles of pillows, dozens of parti-colored Berber baskets, rows of potted palms, and a Moroccan concrete-tiled patio with a retractable glass roof that allows ever-changing views of Galicia’s ever-changing weather. Raindrops plinking above provide a particularly soothing atmosphere, but mist, rainbows, sunshine and clouds show up interchangeably, as dependable as daily sunsets.At Beatnik, overseen by Bonhomme Group’s chef Marcos Campos, the flavors of Mexico, Peru and Morocco meet the rich local bounty of ingredients and natural resources. Local ingredients shine through a global lens: ceviche of fresh-caught corvina melds with leche de tigre; cochinita pibil morphs into meatballs; and rich B’stilla pastries are filled with deliciously spiced local poultry.A scenic view of Tribú, a tasting menu restaurant housed on the sprawling Casa Beatnik property in Galicia, Spain. (Andrea Caccuro)At Tribú, the open-air-but-make-it-insulated fine-dining spot, the team brings tasting menus to the Tiki hut. You’ll eat impossibly tiny vegetables from a nearby farm, seasonal treasures like white asparagus and whole turbot from the wood grill, or crisped sweetbreads with a rich anchovy sauce. Each dish is plated on Galician ceramics and expertly paired with diverse wines from Galicia’s grapes — not just the wondrously aromatic Albariño, but Godello, Mencía, Bastardo, and other varieties that are being vinified in experimental ways to heighten their diverse character. The woven esparto grass textiles that line the space allow for views of the chefs grilling, chopping, and firing up the outdoor wood oven.Once guests are rested and ready to venture out to explore the region, Alonso and the staff at Casa Beatnik are happy to share advice about their beloved Galicia. “I’ve explored Galicia north, south, east and west, and I think I know what makes her special,” Alonso says. “I can curate, knowing what I think an international traveler and a fellow Chicagoan is looking for, what their top 10 magical experiences could be or should be in Galicia.”Turn south perhaps, to the verdant hills of Ourense, where Galician cattle graze and Mencía grapes thrive, to hike the Camino and other natural trails, and bathe in thermal hot springs.AdvertisementGalicia is the Spanish region on the Iberian Peninsula’s northwest tip. It borders Portugal, the Atlantic Ocean and the Cantabrian Sea. (Andrea Caccuro)Turn north and drive 20 minutes to Santiago de la Compostela, a college town and magnificent historical and religious landmark packed with restaurants, bars, bakeries and a fine public market stacked with an unreal array of sparkling fresh sea creatures, local cheeses and fresh produce. Have lunch on the patio at Abastos 2.0 (abastosdouspuntocero.com), where you can slurp up all the exceptional shellfish you just ogled at the market across the street.Or keep going north or west to the wild Atlantic coast, through a countryside dotted with farmland, grapevines and pazos, to see the sparkling rías, the typical estuaries of the region, the fishing ports, and to enjoy all sorts of restaurants — from local tabernas, pulperías, and marisquerías to Michelin-starred fine dining, all within a 90-minute drive of the hotel.If Alonso has his way, visitors will enjoy both getting lost in Casa Beatnik and exploring beyond its walls.“You get to walk away from Galicia saying, ‘Wow, this is an extraordinary place,’” he says. “It hits on all the senses. It’s a little hidden jewel.”Lisa Futterman is a freelance writer.

Dear Amy: My girlfriend and I have been together for over 10 years and have three kids together, ages 7, 4, and 2 years old. Once our first was born, I gave up going out and drinking — no complaints.I feel like the kids are well taken care of. However, her moodiness and spending habits have gotten worse. I generally don’t complain about it, but when she asks, I am calmly honest. Sometimes that leads to me being yelled at.AdvertisementI’m not perfect, but I’m pretty dang good. I cook at least half the meals, buy at least half the groceries, spend a lot of time reading and playing with the kids, and I try to involve her in anything I want to do: Hunting, fishing, watching movies/sports, games, whatever. But if I suggest it, she doesn’t like it.She screamed at me because I bought a house for us, even though I had been screamed at for years because we were renting.AdvertisementShe’s mad that even though she contributed nothing to the purchase, I wouldn’t put her on the deed, due to her past bankruptcies.We agreed to split household bills and the mortgage (“rent,” as she calls it) 50/50, but she is always late with her payments.I’m ready to contact a lawyer to draw up eviction papers.My preference is to have the kids stay with me 100 percent of the time. Fifty-fifty is what she’d want.With a 50/50 arrangement I find it highly unfair that I would owe her anything.The fact that I make three times what she does means I should have to pay for her choosing a bad profession? Ridiculous.Basically, I want my kids and I want to continue living my life. I’d rather not drag her through the mud in court, even though I think she’s emotionally abusive to me and the kids.Seriously, my best plan right now is to serve her eviction papers if she continues to be angry all the time.AdvertisementAny better suggestions?– Mr. Pretty Dang Good DadDear Mr. Good: First this: You may not be able to simply “evict” your partner, just because you want her out.Money is obviously a key issue for you, but you make triple your partner’s income and yet you two split your mortgage and expenses 50/50. Why is that? Also, depending on what state you live in, income you’ve earned during your relationship could be considered “community property.”Before breaking up the family, you should invite the mother of your children into counseling so that you both might learn better ways of relating and behaving.A lawyer would update you about your legal rights and responsibilities regarding your children. If you truly are a martyr to your screaming wife, and not someone with a martyr complex, the court might award you sole custody, but if you share custody, because you are the higher earner, you would likely be expected to help support the other household; this is intended for the benefit of the children.AdvertisementMediation might be the least expensive (and least stressful) way for you two to part ways.Dear Amy: My parents have been dead for many years now.I have a sibling who visits their grave every day and takes pictures of the gravesite.I don’t know why my sibling feels they must do this daily, but I do not like receiving pictures of the gravesite. I find it quite odd.I believe this is a somewhat delicate situation, and don’t want to hurt their feelings.How can I let them know I don’t want to receive the pictures?Advertisement– Sad SiblingDear Sad: Memorial Day isn’t too far off. If it is possible, you might want to visit your sibling and go to your folks’ gravesite together.I hope you won’t judge the choice to visit these graves every day. Some people find cemeteries to be beautiful and quiet spaces inviting contemplation (I happen to be one of those people).Tell your sibling: “These pictures of the gravesite really trigger my sadness. Can you do me a favor and not send them to me?”Dear Amy: “H0 Scale” was burdened by a model train set moldering at his father’s house. His father seemed to want to dispose of the set, but both men seemed conflicted.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.He could turn this “model” train connection with dad into many real train adventures.AdvertisementThere are many trains around North America offering scenic tours.– Time Well SpentDear Time Well Spent: I love this idea.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.