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Dear Amy: My mom has invited me, my husband, and our two teenagers to her home

Dear Amy: I am a 35-year-old professional woman, recently separated from my husband of nine years.Our marriage has been rife with volatility due to his uncontrollable anger and my tumultuous relationship with alcohol during our relationship.AdvertisementThat being said, we have worked through most of our issues. He’s my best friend.I’m in therapy and have a treatment team that has helped me to overcome my alcohol abuse disorder, as well as years of insecurity, codependency, and anxiety.AdvertisementI am in a good place and no longer have room in my life for violence, anger, and abuse.My husband and I recently got into an argument where he put his hands on me to remove me from a room.I was shocked that he would put his hands on me during an argument where we were both sober and working at home.He has since been apologetic and has enrolled in anger management therapy. I’ve wanted him to do this for years, but I fear it might be too late.I have a graduate degree and am an assertive, independent woman who doesn’t take any nonsense.With this situation, however, I feel anything but those things.Am I completely off my rocker to think things might still work between us? Or should I cut my losses and try to start my life over?– Woeful WomanAdvertisementDear Woeful: You should not risk your physical or emotional safety — or your sobriety – in order to live with your husband.Based on your narrative, it seems that the majority of your time together has been marked by anger and strife – on both sides. Can you two move forward in a relationship where many of the triggers might remain, but all of your familiar coping mechanisms have been removed? You’ll have to see.If you are working your sobriety program, I assume that you have become acquainted with the “one day at a time” model.My point is that thinking of this as all-or-nothing might not be the wisest course right now.You and he should remain separated so you can both experience what life is like when you’re actually living differently as individuals in recovery.The answer to your dilemma is likely to present itself over the course of the next six months or so.AdvertisementEven if you decide to permanently part, you should not have to surrender your friendship.Dear Amy: My girlfriend and I have been together for about five years. We are both progressing in our careers and making strides personally, professionally, and as a couple.We are at the point where we are ready to take the next step. My girlfriend wants to move to Florida. She wants me to come too, but she plans to go one way or the other in the next year or two.I love Florida, but all of my friends and family are here in New England. My mom is independent and doesn’t necessarily rely on me, but she would be devastated if I left.After my dad died (about 10 years ago), my sister and mom have relied on me to be there for them. Truthfully, I would miss being there for them, too.I know I’d always be a phone call away, but it’s just not the same.AdvertisementI love my girlfriend more than anything and I don’t want to lose her, but I’m not sure I’m ready to move away from my home and everyone I know.How can I make this decision – one way or the other?– UncertainDear Uncertain: You should start by very honestly trying to decode your own motivations. Surely your mother would miss you, but would she be devastated? Talk to her about this. Are you genuinely necessary to your family, or are you afraid to move?Being nervous about leaving home is completely natural. It speaks to your sensitive and compassionate nature.You don’t need to have a definitive answer right now. After your girlfriend moves, you could transition to a long-distance relationship, which should help you to clarify all of your competing priorities.AdvertisementAsk AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Dear Amy: Responding to “Bay Area Stepmom Cook,” whose son-in-law hates onions, she should cook the onions first. It takes away that bitter taste. They can be roasted or fried to a light brown, and they develop a sweet taste.– SCDear SC: Thank you for the suggestion, but judging from my mailbag, there are many people out there who just don’t like onions!“Stepmom Cook” saw this as a character flaw.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Advertisement©2021 Amy Dickinson.

There’s a shared notion between all those who celebrate, that Ramadan just hits different. Even though you’re objectively hungry or thirsty, your soul feels quenched, said Tariq El-Amin, imam at Masjid Al-Taqwa on Chicago’s Southeast Side, and host of “Black Glue Podcast,” where conversations are centered on Black and Muslim experiences in America.For 30 days during the ninth month of the Islamic calendar, Muslims fast from slightly before dawn until dusk, which in the Chicago area adds up to about 14 hours and 58 minutes. The fast begins with a morning meal known as suhoor and is broken with an evening meal called iftar, where it is recommended practice to begin eating with a date and some water.AdvertisementMuslims, while obligated to pray five times daily no matter the month, take it up a notch on things like reading the Quran, partaking in extra prayers and giving charity.The Eid holiday marking the end of Ramadan will be Sunday or Monday, depending on the sighting of the new moon. And as the holy month comes to a close, El-Amin offered that there’s something to be said about how quickly the month slips away, replacing the hustle and bustle of communal prayers and 4 a.m. alarm clocks with a helpless urge to cling to the “feelings” of the month.Advertisement“Fasting is a human attempt at gratitude, and an attempt to gain clarity. We fast to increase our God consciousness, or what we term as taqwa. It’s a way for us to maintain a connection not just with God, but also our fellow human beings, our neighbors, our families,” El-Amin said over the phone while construction crews were tiling the floors of the mosque’s new property at 9329 S. Escanaba Ave.Imam Tariq I. El-Amin, center, joins other worshippers during afternoon prayers at Masjid Al-Taqwa in Chicago on April 22, 2022. (Jose M. Osorio / Chicago Tribune)Renovations at Masjid Al-Taqwa, which serves a large Muslim community on the South Side and the south suburbs, are expected to be completed by July. But even during construction the place of worship is open for Jummah, or Friday prayers, and during Ramadan on the weekends for communal prayers known as taraweeh.For people who don’t know “why we fast,” El-Amin said it’s worth understanding the benefits of the practice outside the tenets of Islam.“What fasting does is it actually allows us to realize how much we consume out of habit and not really out of need,” he explained. “And that awareness makes us realize there’s a lack of control, and we are being given an opportunity to reclaim our agency. It’s a really beautiful thing.”El-Amin noted that science has caught up with religion in its observations of the medical and health benefits associated with fasting. But there’s also an ethical and behavioral component to fasting in Ramadan that stretches beyond the dietary.“For people who engage in the practice of fasting, they do so with one of the goals of becoming a better person. We also fast from feelings of jealousy, anger, suspicion. … We’re making a conscious effort to think well about others around us,” he said.Above all, El-Amin said, the main takeaway when the month wraps up should be empathy.“Your hunger should make you think about the people who don’t have an iftar. We’re reminded of those who are not able to break their fast, who wake up fasting and will go to sleep fasting,” he said. “This forces us back to the realization that we are not the center of the universe.”Advertisement“You can’t even have water?” a colleague asked Maha Ayesh a few weeks ago as Ramadan began. “No, not even water,” she responded, as a set of bulging eyes looked back at her saying, “Oh man, I would die.”Being the only Muslim police officer at the Bartlett Police Department, Ayesh brought in a platter of sweets with a note that read “Ramadan Mubarak” before the Islamic month kicked off to introduce her team to what she would be going through for the next 30 days.“They looked at me with so much curiosity, ‘Like no water, no food, nothing?’” Ayesh said. “These encounters are what I love because number one, I am the first Muslim to ever work for them, and I’m the first one that they had to alter their policies to accommodate for in terms of the hijab. Those questions are never going to upset me at all, it’s going to be something that I would love to converse about.”Bartlett police Officer Maha Ayesh, center, sits with fellow officers, Dylan Villareal, left, and Sam Mora, right, in roll call before the start of a 12-hour shift on April 21, 2022, in Bartlett. Ayesh has been a police officer in Bartlett since October 2020. (Stacey Wescott / Chicago Tribune)For the 31-year-old Palestinian American who will mark two years as a patrol officer in October, sparking conversations has become a defining trait, and she is aware of the barrier-breaking optics of her position.“At first I didn’t know if I could do it,” Ayesh said over the phone on her first half-day off in a week.AdvertisementAyesh holds a master’s degree in forensic psychology and before pursuing her inkling for law enforcement, worked at Kane County Jail evaluating inmates for mental health disorders. She is reportedly the first female Muslim patrol officer in Illinois, and she wears that badge as proudly as she wears the hijab.“When I realize I did what was never done before to break a barrier, to break fears … to just move past all those insecurities and say, wow, I’m the first one, it’s so humbling,” Ayesh said. “When I see people, even on the street, they’re like, ‘Whoa, I’ve never seen a Muslim police officer wearing hijab. This is so amazing.’ You don’t require someone to come tell you that, but it’s such a sense of appreciation. I always say it would be easier, but it was never a thought of mine to do it and take off the hijab.”With an already packed week ahead, Ayesh also picked up a night shift to help out a colleague. She’d break fast at her parent’s home in Lombard, have dinner and pray before heading to the station at 10 p.m.On a typical Ramadan day, Ayesh wakes up around 4 a.m. to have suhoor and then offers Fajr — the early morning prayer — before driving off to her 6 a.m. to 6 p.m. shift.“Alhamdulillah, I really start my days off pretty strong and motivated. Around noon I’m feeling a little tired, but I still have the ability to get through because we have different experiences that really keep the adrenaline going,” Ayesh said. “I always sip on my coffee all day, so that’s the only thing that I miss.”While on duty, Ayesh carves out a place to pray a couple times a day to fulfill the five daily prayers. “You pray wherever you are. You get out of the car, put your car in park and pray. You can find a little place like a fitting room or even just outside. That’s how I’ve grown up,” she said.AdvertisementThroughout her experience of fasting while on duty, Ayesh has had her squad to lean on.“A lot of the officers come by and ask, ‘Hey, how are you holding up Maha?” I tell them I’m good. I’m just a little tired. I never feel like I am alone,” she said. “The day goes on, roll call, we all work together.”Bartlett police Officer Maha Ayesh makes a traffic stop for distracted driving during her shift on April 21, 2022. (Stacey Wescott / Chicago Tribune)There’s a tinge of peace this Ramadan for Ayesh that was overshadowed by a field training program last year. This month, she graduated from probation, officially making her a union officer. “Now it’s more about what I can do on the job and as part of the religion that can help me in my day to day,” she added.A source of great relief and joy for Ayesh has been encounters like the one recently at a Jain temple in Bartlett. A few evenings ago, after Ayesh and another officer completed a security detail, a woman at the temple approached Ayesh to ask if she was fasting for Ramadan, given that it was 7:40 p.m., post-sunset.Ayesh told the woman she had a Cliff bar in the car, but didn’t have time yet to grab food. The woman immediately said, “you’re going to come down with me, we’re going to make you a plate and you’re going to have your iftar,” Ayesh said.“It was so, so amazing to have two different religions in the same place, and both of us were able to observe with so much respect,” Ayesh said. “She just assumed and I confirmed, and she had the hospitality to make me a plate. And I was still able to do my job.”AdvertisementFor Rohany Nayan, this Ramadan in particular was about internalizing her faith while practicing an eco-friendly lifestyle. As CEO of Chicago Muslims Green Team, a local faith-based nonprofit, she pledged to closely follow the organization’s mission of six R’s: reconnect, reflect, repair, reuse, recycle and reduce.“We can apply all of those terms spiritually and physically,” Nayan said. “Reduce is a big one — I am trying to reduce a lot of the habits that are harmful. You have to know Allah and learn what is expected of you, and then we can know better how to channel the blessings we have to the society that we live in.”Nayan said her goal this year is to cook less and spend that time instead reading religious books or in zikr, which is a form of meditative worship. She’s also avoiding frequent trips to the grocery store and making do with a little.“I am eating less meat and more vegetarian dishes for iftar to help reduce my carbon footprint,” she said. “You can help the earth heal while you help yourself heal.”She’s also making an effort to compost whatever can be salvaged, explaining that a lot of food tends to be wasted during Ramadan, partly because people make more food than they have the capacity to consume after a long day’s fast.Rohany Nayan, left, and Rana Jaber laugh while attending an earth-friendly “green Ramadan” iftar at Nayan’s home on April 21, 2022, in Chicago. (Armando L. Sanchez / Chicago Tribune)For someone with a scaled back approach to living, Nayan often surprises people when she tells them of her many endeavors over the years. She not only holds a Ph.D. in curriculum and instruction with a concentration in literacy studies, she has taught at the University of Illinois Chicago, the University of North Carolina at Charlotte, Massachusetts Institute of Technology and overseas at the King Saud University in Riyadh, Saudi Arabia.AdvertisementNow living “as an empty nester” in Chicago’s West Loop with her husband, she spends most of her time creating opportunities at Chicago Muslims Green Team that enforce literacy development and cross-cultural awareness related to environmental issues. And when she’s not doing that — she’s most likely in worship.Before beginning the fast with an early meal of plant-based foods and lots of water, Nayan wakes up at 3 a.m. for tahajjud, or what’s known in Islam as a voluntary night prayer.“I really love the quiet moments of tahajjud, that’s when I can have a conversation with God,” Nayan said, adding that when she was younger, she didn’t know how to make dua, or pray, but has found valuable resources like Yaqeen Institute to help. “I found that I’m not shy to ask God for anything. God is my best helper.”She also spends time reading and understanding the Quran in its original language. Being Malaysian and not a native speaker of Arabic, it’s an accomplishment Nayan has been working toward for 10 years.The interconnectedness of green living and guidance from Islamic text is something people don’t realize until they do it, she elaborated.On the Chicago Muslims Green Team webpage, an excerpt from the Quran scrolls by: “Eat and drink from the provision of God, And do not commit abuse on the earth nor spread corruption (Surah Al-Baqarah 2:60).”AdvertisementNayan referred to the Islamic month as “training to be who you want to be,” and for her it starts and ends with her relationship with faith.“Ramadan is about becoming aware of the blessings we have, which we often take for granted. When you’re fasting, for example, you can say you’re hungry when you run into a homeless person, but until you experience what hunger means, you don’t really know what they are experiencing,” Nayan said. “It’s about being aware of who bestows these blessings upon you.”And when the God consciousness lines up with an improved sense of self, “you become happier,” she added.zsyed@chicagotribune.com

Dear Amy: Recently, I was in a car accident involving a young man who tried to commit suicide by jumping into my car’s path.My 2-year-old was in the car with me but (thankfully) doesn’t seem to have noticed when I hit the man.AdvertisementThe man survived and I found out (through the police who arrived on the scene) that he had jumped into another car’s path a few minutes before.I was simply the next car to come along.AdvertisementThe man admitted to both the paramedics and the police that he jumped in front of my car with the intent of killing himself. Several officers tried to reassure me that I wasn’t in trouble and that I did nothing wrong.Amy, I can’t stop running the events through my head (and, unfortunately, I am having to repeat myself and relive it in dealing with my insurance company).I feel like I’m drowning in what-ifs.I think therapy would be beneficial to help me with this traumatic event, but I don’t know where to start.Could you steer me toward some resources?– What-ifDear What-if: Traumatic stress is a normal reaction to an abnormal event. Your brain will have its own way of processing this accident, and your brain can also rewire itself again to heal.Researching your question, I read harrowing accounts of train conductors involved in hitting people who have jumped (or been pushed) onto the tracks. One former operator whose train struck a man was quoted: “As cruel as it makes it sound, for the individual [who is hit by the train] — it’s over. It’s just beginning for the train operator.”AdvertisementThe emotional effects of this sort of unavoidable accident can persist, and can sometimes manifest in physical symptoms.Because your young child was in the car at the time, I assume your response might be even more complicated – such relief that everyone survived the accident – but guilt that it happened at all, and fear that it might happen again.Guided desensitizing therapy (perhaps returning to the spot and proceeding through safety), might help. EMDR therapy (using eye movement to aid the brain’s recovery) might work for you.A daily meditation practice (along with treatment) could help you to breathe through your rumination. I highly recommend it.You should see a trauma specialist. Your police department’s victims’ services program or victim’s advocate should have a list of local therapists who could work with you.Psychologytoday.com has a useful database of therapists and support groups, searchable by location.AdvertisementDear Amy: I am the mother of two teen daughters, and would love advice on how to help them with a very annoying and inappropriate question they receive quite often (and started receiving in the pre-teen years): “Do you have a boyfriend?”I don’t understand why this is of interest to so many people, and why they think it’s appropriate to ask, regardless of how well they know them, or when they are in front of other people, etc.If our daughters answer “no,” to this question, it seems to only prolong the misery with more questions and statements, like “Why not?” or “I don’t believe you!”My daughters haven’t found a way to handle the awkward position when so many people seem to regard it as perfectly normal casual conversation, and they want to be respectful to adults.Or maybe we are being overly sensitive, and it IS perfectly reasonable to ask a teenager about their romantic life?– MomAdvertisementDear Mom: Gak, I remember this question from my own teenhood! And, as the never-dating high school kid, the question was both intrusive and (bonus!) a surefire way to feel less-than.Assure your girls that adults tend to ask this because they want to connect, but don’t know how. They’re likely not even particularly interested in the answer.This annoyance will soon be followed by the also-challenging “where are you going to college” question.Suggest that your teens find a way to laugh this off, and then distract with a question of their own: “Haha – only my Instagram followers really know what I’m up to. Did you date in high school?”Dear Amy: Your question from “Worried,” who had started excessively hoarding food in response to the pandemic, inspired me to write.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.When Worried gets their hoarding under control I urge them and others to consider donating to a food bank.AdvertisementDonations have been down at many of our food banks, and they could use the help.– Overstocked, TooDear Overstocked: Great advice. Thank you!Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

You’d think more than 20 years into a chosen career, not many things can surprise.That’s not the case with Kim Peavler, an anesthesiology nurse at Northwestern Medicine Central DuPage Hospital. It was while she was regularly visiting her mother at Marianjoy Rehabilitation Hospital in Wheaton that Peavler noticed the site had a meditation room.Advertisement“I was like, ‘Wow,’ because you don’t see the two mix,” Peavler said. “That’s more of an alternative form of health care to people who do medicine. Shortly after that, I learned that our hospital also had resiliency rooms.”Kim Peavler, a regional block nurse at Northwestern Medicine Central DuPage Hospital, is working on a video project for a mindfulness program that is culturally appropriate for Black women. (Brian OMahoney / Chicago Tribune)Seeing how her hospital was moving in the space, Peavler wanted to know how she could be a part of it, and pivoted. She found an accredited master’s program in mindfulness studies at Lesley University in Cambridge, Massachusetts, and enrolled. That was in 2020 after George Floyd’s murder, Peavler recalls.Advertisement“When I got to school, I was able to put a language to so many things that I didn’t know anything about,” she said. “And then I wondered how many other people didn’t know about internalized oppression and how that presents itself.”During her educational deep dive (Peavler will graduate in 2023), Peavler has learned things like: It’s not what we eat, it’s why we eat; and addressing any issues of comorbidity/mortality rates of Black women cannot happen without speaking about racism and what that looks like for the population.“That is happening. But what is happening inside of you, as well — that internalized oppression, the things that you don’t talk about? Black women, we are about grinding, we’re about the work let’s get this work done. ‘I don’t have no time for feelings’ and ‘Who’s gonna do this if I don’t do it?’ Attention is not paid to our emotional health.”Kim Peavler, a regional block nurse at Northwestern Medicine Central DuPage Hospital, is working on a video project for a mindfulness program that is culturally appropriate for Black women. (Brian OMahoney / Chicago Tribune)Peavler, also a holistic registered nurse, certified life coach and mindfulness meditation facilitator/practitioner, started Melan Mind, a company wherein she teaches Black women the art of being present as an antidote to stress — stress that Peavler says many Black women deny.“If you survey most Black women, and ask them are they stressed, they’re going to tell you no. Unless it’s an acute thing like I lost my job, I can’t pay the bills,” Peavler said. “They can admit it in those acute situations … but mortality and morbidity rates of Black women is linked to chronic stress, hypertension, diabetes, and heart disease. Hypertension means there’s pressure in your body, your body is not at ease, and it’s tense. Anything that is tense and tight, after a while it’s going to pop.”Peavler doesn’t want that pop to come. That’s why she’s been teaching a weekslong course called the MIND program. It was created for Black women, bringing mindfulness and collective cultural aspects from Black ancestry together.“The M stands for mindfulness and movement and there are the four I’s, which are intimacy, integration, imagination, and inspiration. And the N is nurture and nourishment. Then the D is design,” Peavler said.Mindfulness activities are done, with focus on breathing, listening, and hand washing, as a way to be present through everyday tasks. Less looking for the big things in life to happen, in favor of seeing joy in the little things — everything from eating with intention, the art of crocheting, mirror exercises and making a deeper connection with your hair and scalp.Advertisement“The design is taking these aspects of what you’ve learned about mindfulness and the practices and then how are you going to create a life that is more intentional and more on purpose?” Peavler said. “We don’t necessarily know how to appreciate ourselves outside of what we do. Because we do this in a community with other Black women, it’s about finding that space in you that is OK with who you are without any work attached to it.”Kim Peavler, a regional block nurse at Northwestern Medicine Central DuPage Hospital is working on a video project for a mindfulness program that is culturally appropriate for Black women. (Brian OMahoney / Chicago Tribune)Peavler is a peer leader and coach in the Central DuPage Hospital Resiliency Coach Program, which enables her to use mindfulness in her everyday work. She also introduces mindfulness to communities through Melan Mind workshops where she also incorporates West African dance and kemetic yoga, yoga that has roots in Africa. All are done in effort to support and empower Black women on their path to transforming pain into healing. For those who want to go deeper with mindfulness, they can join the Melan Mind community and/or partake in one-on-one sessions with Peavler for mindfulness coaching. Her goal is to have a retreat center in the area.“Most people don’t like to get quiet and be still … it has a lot to do with emotions,” Peavler said. “If you’re a Black American, if you trace this back to slavery, there was no time for emotion — it was survival. You needed to do these things to be here, to not become extinct. I contribute a lot of what we’re feeling is emotional irregularity. We don’t necessarily know how to regulate our emotions because we don’t have an experience of feeling the emotions.”After two years in the pandemic, Peavler says she’s seen people wanting to get back to a sense of connection after being isolated. More people are willing to be a bit more vulnerable, to find that connection with self and others. In addition to her in-person work, Peavler is creating a 90-minute documentary, “Culture Meets Presence,” related to her work. She started a GoFundMe to help raise funds for it. She hopes to shop the finished product around to Black-owned networks like OWN and BET.“We’re starving to be heard and to be seen, and the only way you can do that is you have to show up, and you have to speak, but at the same time, we still need these spaces of healing — spaces where you feel comfortable enough to speak and to show up and know that someone’s going to hold space for you for that,” Peavler said. “None of that is necessarily easy, but I believe that people want that and this is what I would like to create.”Cassie Smith, 36, of Aurora, is one such person. As a middle school social worker in Oswego she’s familiar with mindfulness and self-care, as things she teaches others. She had tried meditation apps before, but in-person meditation with Peavler was more of a reminder for maintaining self-care.Advertisement“it reminds me it’s OK for me to not be OK; not to have it all on my shoulders and do it all by myself,” she said. “I can take a break and I don’t have to judge myself for taking that break or worry about what other people may think because I am taking that break.”She’s always telling her friends about Peavler’s work. Smith is participating in the documentary.“I find myself when I try to take time to do yoga or meditate, my brain is constantly: ‘You should be cleaning up, or doing this, or you have this coming up,’” Smith said. “It’s time to change our thoughts and how we handle things … to take that time out of what you feel you have to do to do the things that are good for you to keep you going.”drockett@chicagotribune.com

Dear Amy: My husband and I watch our grandsons (ages 3 and 5) twice a week.We do this so our daughter can save on daycare expenses.AdvertisementWe bring the kids two snacks each time we are with them.I choose a snack that is always healthy, like fruit, and my husband’s choice is not healthy — usually cookies.AdvertisementMy daughter complains to me about her father’s choices.I have told her to talk to him. She does, and he ignores her.He tells me that it makes him happy to give the kids something they view as a treat.Since it is only twice a week, he doesn’t think it is a big deal. He says that if it is a big deal, our daughter can send the kids to daycare every day.I see both points of view and think this issue has been blown out of proportion.I am tired of being in the middle of this.Any ideas on how to resolve this?– SnackedAdvertisementDear Snacked: If your husband didn’t ply the kids with cookies, any healthy snack delivered by Grandpa would be considered “a treat.” Kids are like that. They can happily eat broccoli trees dipped in yogurt — until Mr. Oreo comes to town.I won’t waste your time suggesting healthy alternatives to cookies, because your husband has basically decided that his pleasure and esteem is so cheap that it can be obtained through being a sweets dispenser to toddlers. That’s lazy, but unless they have health issues, a few cookies won’t harm these children.Your husband also doesn’t respect his own daughter’s wishes. That’s a pretty obvious power move, possibly because he wants to see himself as a loving and indulgent grandpa, versus providing daycare on a schedule.You should hope that he doesn’t take this disrespect further, toward choices that are less benign. After all, when he was a kid every child ate cookies for a snack, and no one rode in a car seat.However, he is right in this regard. If your daughter does not like being disrespected in this way, she has options.You say you are in the middle of this, but that’s a choice, too. If your daughter complains about this, tell her to “take this up with your father.”AdvertisementDear Amy: My partner and I are in our mid-70s and live in a small home.For 10 years we have had a wonderful housecleaner spend three hours every two weeks cleaning our home (dusting, mopping, vacuuming). She does a great job.This Tuesday, she broke our microwave turntable and said she would replace it. I called her the next day to ask if she knew when she would be able to get it for us. She said didn’t know when and apologized.I told her I had found a replacement online and the soonest delivery was Friday.She told me that we should subtract the amount from her next check for her cleaning services. The total is over half of what we pay her.My partner is completely OK with this. I’m not sure. I feel like everyone breaks things or makes mistakes occasionally and we can absorb the cost easily.AdvertisementI don’t want to lose our housecleaner. She works very hard.What do you think?– JDear J: If in a decade of being in your home, moving things, dusting things, and working/cleaning your appliances your cleaner has only broken one thing – I’d say she has been exceedingly careful. If a guest or family member accidentally broke this microwave turntable, would you expect them to pay for it? (It sounds as if your husband would.)Most of us accidentally break a few things a year, and these minor issues should be taken for what they are – accidents.The kind thing to do is to accept this as an accident, replace the item yourself, and tell your faithful cleaner that you appreciate her apology, but “these things happen,” and that you consider the matter closed.AdvertisementAsk AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Dear Amy: Thank you for your compassionate response to “Feeling Helpless,” the grandparents who are balking at sharing the expense of in-patient residential mental health treatment for their grandson.Any reputable program should have a robust support system for affected families; they should also be able to make excellent recommendations about next steps, both during and after treatment.– Been ThereDear Been There: I’m genuinely sorry you have “been there,” and I hope the treatment your family member received worked for all of you.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Advertisement©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Follow the numbers. We knew that residents in certain ZIP codes lived shorter lives than others in different ZIP codes within the same city. (An NYU School of Medicine 2019 analysis found a 30-year life expectancy gap between those who live in the Streeterville and Englewood neighborhoods.) And that was before the COVID pandemic. As time went on, more stories about safety, violence and systemic racism added to that conversation.The Chicago Department of Public Health reported the life expectancy dropped almost two years from 2019-2020, the first year of the pandemic. Mayor Lori Lightfoot and Dr. Allison Arwady, head of the city’s Department of Public Health, announced an update on life expectancy in Chicago on Monday morning. According to the agency, this is one of the sharpest single-year decreases in life expectancy on record and the steepest declines for Black and Latinx Chicagoans, with COVID-19 driving those numbers. Life expectancy declines were seen in all races and nearly all community areas. Findings include:AdvertisementAs of 2020, the gap in life expectancy between Black and white Chicagoans was 10 years, up from 8.8 years in 2017. For the first time in decades, life expectancy for Black residents of Chicago fell below 70 years (the majority of those communities exist on the South Side);Chicago Latinx residents saw a more than a three-year drop in life expectancy between 2019 and 2020, the steepest decline for any group, and have lost a total of seven years of life expectancy since 2012;Asian/Pacific Islander life expectancy showed a two-year drop from 2019 to 2020, while white Chicagoans’ life expectancy declined by one year;18-to 44-year-old Chicagoans experienced a 45% increase in death rates from 2019, outpacing 65+ Chicagoans (30% increase) despite COVID’s severe impact on the population;Black Chicagoans experienced a higher rate of infant mortality while rates for other groups dropped sharply.“We are looking at the direct and indirect impacts of COVID on Chicago and the news is not good,” Arwady said. “Even before COVID the CDPH had made a decision to focus on life expectancy. … I think it is the strongest indicator of a community’s health as well as opportunities. Even before COVID, there was a major life expectancy gap here in Chicago. In the first year of 2020, not only did we see life expectancy drop for all Chicagoans — all races and ethnicities — but we saw that gap widen for Black Chicagoans on average living about 10 years less than white Chicagoans and life expectancy for Black Chicagoans falling below 70 years for the first time in many years. This is not just about COVID, it’s not just about health care. It’s about opportunities and root causes and in addition to that, we also saw Latinx Chicagoans get hit really hard with COVID, with the biggest drop in life expectancy among Latino Chicagoans within that first year. We see this as sobering data.”COVID-19 was a significant driver of decreases in life expectancy, but so were chronic diseases such as diabetes, cancer and heart disease. Homicide; infant mortality; HIV, flu, and other infections; and opioid overdoses factored into the racial life expectancy gap as well.AdvertisementCDPH’s Healthy Chicago 2025, a five-year action plan, was created to help close the gap. Launched in 2020, CDPH has committed $30 million to establish Healthy Chicago Equity Zones to strengthen community infrastructure and neighborhood networks so people most affected by inequities have the power and resources to promote health and racial equity in their communities and citywide. Other initiatives working in concert with the zoned strategy is “Dr. Taylor’s Table,” a biweekly (every other Thursday at 6 p.m.) live talk Instagram program hosted by Dr. Erica Taylor, on various topics within the Black community regarding health disparities, health care, wellness, mental health and other related issues.The health department will also launch a Community Health Response Corps, an effort to link community members to resources to mitigate social, economic, and health impacts of the pandemic; and equip them with health knowledge. Building on the ChiTracing Corps (the program that hired and trained hundreds of people for COVID contact tracing), the CHRC will create new pathways to employment for those who live in communities that are most affected by health and economic inequities. Arwady said the goal for the program was always hyperlocal decision-making and focus.“The Healthy Chicago Equity Zone model is the city’s attempt to take some of what has been good with COVID — funding community based organizations, working together on things like the unvaccinated — moving that work forward to continue to fund these networks to work on things like chronic disease,” Arwady said. “Even in the year 2020, heart disease was still the number one thing that killed Chicagoans. COVID was number two and it goes on from there.”Other endeavors aimed to reduce the life expectancy gap are:A citywide expansion of trauma-informed centers of care, a network of mental health service providers that provide services regardless of ability to pay, health insurance status or immigration status. The expansion seeks to reduce opioid deaths with a fentanyl test strip program and partnership with Chicago Public Libraries to distribute Narcan to treat opioid overdoses;A citywide expansion of the Family Connects program, which provides free, in-home health supports to new mothers and babies at the three-week postpartum mark. This coupled with the fact Illinois became the first state in the U.S. to extend full Medicaid benefits to new mothers from 60 days to one year postpartum is important, Dr. Melissa Simmons, co-chair of the Health & Policy Committee at Illinois Unidos said. “We know about half of all maternal mortality actually happens in that one year postpartum and that’s really critical because the gap in maternal mortality between Black and white mothers in our country is almost three- to fourfold and the most recent data released by the CDC in February of this year show Latinos maternal mortality rate at an all-time high, and losing a lot of ground. That is scary.”Strengthening violence prevention services, which includes the city’s network of street outreach providers.Dr. Melissa Simmons, of Illinois Unidos, during the discussion, April 25, 2022, at Phalanx Family Services in West Pullman. (Brian Cassella / Chicago Tribune)Lightfoot calls the new data an important level set. She said it’s that hyperlocal attention that is making a difference.“We have to look ourselves and our city in the eye and deal with the devastating impact of what’s transpired from a public health and health care perspective over these last two years,” Lightfoot said. “This is an important and sobering milestone that really measures how far in the journey we are and what we need to do to get to the destination. The answer to a lot of these problems is access to high-quality health care — we have to keep that front and center in our efforts.”drockett@chicagotribune.com

Dear Amy: My psychiatrist suggested I write to you because none of the professionals we’ve consulted have an answer.I had two children with a selfish, emotionally abusive man. I divorced him at my psychologist’s suggestion so my children would not see and experience his awful behavior.AdvertisementI had custody of the children. His few opportunities for visitation were lost due to his abuse. When the kids were older, he got visitation and spent most of the time trying to turn the kids against me.My daughter was able to forgive him when she was an adult because he mellowed and she wanted to have some connection with him, despite his faults.AdvertisementMy son, however, caved to his pressure and has not had any contact with me in 20 years.My daughter maintains a close relationship with her brother to this day.My son is getting married. He evidently believes I might show up and make a scene, even though I have not been invited. (People often accuse others of things they are capable of doing themselves!) My ex won’t be in the same room with me.My daughter is going to be in the wedding, but won’t tell me about it.I moved across the country to be with her and her kids.I’m the good mom — the extra good mom that did everything. (My daughter is a doctor.) My ex-husband is a bad man. He’s made my son a bad man.Why is my daughter participating in their family events, while I’m the one babysitting her kids?Shouldn’t she stop enabling this hate campaign against me?Advertisement– WonderingDear Wondering: You seem to be advice-shopping, and I assume your psychiatrist is recommending that you ask my opinion because your practice is to reject the advice you’ve been given and go on the hunt for a different answer.I assume you have researched “parental alienation,” and if so, you will see that your son’s attitude toward you might be the result of his father’s behavior. However, in my opinion, you are also practicing a form of this, in your attempt to force your daughter to align completely with you.It should not be her job to advocate for you in such a challenging situation. She is doing what many children of toxic divorces do: she is adjusting her scuba mask and wading in, trying her hardest to get her own needs met without being figuratively dashed against the rocks by an angry parent.You paint yourself as “the good mom” and your ex and son as “bad men,” and as long as you see the world in such absolutes, your daughter will be forced to behave this way. You should never expect a child to completely renounce a parent, because – for better or for worse – that parent is a part of them.If you don’t want to babysit your grandchildren, don’t! But don’t use them as further ammunition in your ongoing war against your ex.AdvertisementDear Amy: My dad and his wife live in Texas. I live in Florida.My father and stepmother, “Darcy,” have been married for 40 years.Neither of them work, and they are always home together.EVERY time I speak to my father, Darcy is in the background making comments and offering unwanted opinions regarding what we are trying to talk about.My dad ignores it, but it is so irritating and disruptive that it makes me not want to talk to him.Any advice?Advertisement– Frustrated SonDear Son: You should assume that when you and your father speak by phone, your conversation isn’t private, even if “Darcy” isn’t in the background, weighing in. If you want to communicate with your father uninterrupted, a weekly email exchange might work best.It is genuinely challenging to talk to two people on the phone at the same time. You might want to start your calls by talking to Darcy and expressing an interest in her doings. Then you could ask, “Dad, could you step into the other room? I’d love to talk privately for a few minutes.”Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Dear Amy: Thank you so much for your response to “Bay Area Stepmom Cook,” who refused to omit onions from her dishes, even though her stepdaughter’s husband had an aversion to them.My mother-in-law respected my dislike/aversion to garlic. It was just like you said: Every time she thoughtfully left out the garlic (or served me separately), I honestly did feel loved.– GarluckedAdvertisementDear Garlucked: I’ve received a huge response to this question. Thank you.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

“It has been a frustrating spring, with all the rain leaving me with a yard that has been consistently wet and nearly unusable. Water will also pool in a back corner of the yard after heavy or long periods of rain. Is there something I can do to dry my garden out, like adding a dry well to absorb water?”— Antonio Martinez, Highland ParkAdvertisementA dry well is simply a hole dug in the ground and filled with gravel. This is unlikely to do much to improve drainage, as it will quickly fill with water and continue to pond while the surrounding soil remains too wet.To correct drainage problems, you need to collect the excess water from the site and then move it out of the area — water flows from the high point to the low point. There are different ways to do this, depending on each site’s conditions.AdvertisementInstalling drain tile can help. The drain should be installed in the lowest area of the bed, and the soil above the drain should not be compacted or heavy clay, which would prevent water from reaching the drain. A very thin layer of clay soil over the drain tile can block water from reaching it.The pipe must slope evenly from the highest point of the bed to the lowest point, where water can discharge out of the garden to work properly. Use perforated PVC pipe or a flexible black pipe and install No. 8 gravel or ⅝-inch roofing gravel around the pipe to help collect water and help prevent silt from plugging up the pipe.Perforated PVC pipe will last longer and can be installed with a drain cleanout so a plumber can unclog the piping if it gets filled with silt or tree roots in the future. Pipes that are 4 inches in diameter are typically adequate for most home applications.A French drain is a trench filled with gravel and will help dry out an area, providing the trench is pitched properly and there is a place for the water to run to. A trench with gravel will not improve the drainage in a garden unless the water runs out of the lowest end of the trench and away from the area. Otherwise, the trench with gravel will fill up with water while the surrounding soil remains too wet.Another strategy is to modify the grading to improve surface drainage and move water out of the area. This can be very effective when you are able to install a swale or add soil to low areas to direct water out of the garden.Just adding soil to a low area will not work if the water does not run out of the garden, but you may be able to move water to a garden zone that has less impact on your use of the yard. Grading can be a complicated project, especially if there are shade trees involved.Grade changes under and around shade trees can have a negative effect on the trees’ health, so consulting with an arborist during the planning process is important.If the corner of your garden is the lowest part of your garden with grading not an option, then explore adding a drain tile system. Install a catch basin in the lowest spot to collect the surface water.AdvertisementYou would need to pitch the underground drain tile to run water away from the corner and out of the garden. This can be a more complex installation and may require a permit from a local governing body to install. The best solution for some gardens may be a combination of strategies to improve drainage. If you have catch basins as part of an existing drainage system, be sure to clean debris out of them on a regular basis to keep the drainage system working properly.Debris will build up in the bottom of the catch basin and eventually plug up the piping. Try installing plants that are adapted to the conditions in that area of your garden if you are unable to improve the drainage.For more plant advice, contact the Plant Information Service at the Chicago Botanic Garden at plantinfo@chicagobotanic.org. Tim Johnson is senior director of horticulture at the Chicago Botanic Garden.

Dear Amy: I am a husband and father of an 18-month-old daughter.I’m concerned about how my mother-in-law treats my wife and daughter.AdvertisementShe calls my wife multiple times a day to FaceTime with her granddaughter.My wife answers as often as she can.AdvertisementThe problem I have is that my mother-in-law keeps saying things to our toddler like: “Don’t worry — whenever grandma is talking to you, you don’t have to listen to your mom.”Or when my wife tells my daughter to stop doing something, her mother will say, “Grandma says it’s OK.”The last time I heard this I wanted to grab the phone and say: “Mom makes the rules, if you can’t follow them, you can’t see our daughter” and hang up on her.My wife says that it isn’t my place (I agree) but she hasn’t set boundaries, yet.My MIL is coming to visit in about a week and I’ve been stressing about it constantly.She is sleeping on our couch for three days, and I don’t think I want to hold my tongue if she tries to say the same things when she is in our home.I’m all for grandparents spoiling grandkids, but when my daughter is throwing food on our floor and grandma says, “It’s OK — make your parents clean it up” I want to ground grandma.Your suggestions?Advertisement– NervousDear Nervous: Keep your cool. The calmer and more consistent you are, the more effective your response will be.If your mother-in-law directly countermands you, and if you are certain she isn’t just being playful, you can say, “Oops. I’m going to have to stop you. We are her parents and we need to make the rules for her, even if you don’t agree with them. Can you help us out here and not contradict us?”She may say, “Oh, I’m only joking, don’t take this so seriously.” And you can respond, “I get it, but we’re trying to be consistent, and her sense of humor isn’t quite developed yet.”Dear Amy: My sister has been with her fiancé for four years.They live together and plan to marry in July. This will be the second marriage for both. They’re in their 50s, and both have grown children.AdvertisementThey live in a wonderful city and enjoy a nice lifestyle, playing tennis, traveling, etc. He is a doctor and she, a corporate recruiter.My sister couldn’t be happier, as her previous marriage was full of grief and frustration.All was going well until her fiancé’s daughter (in her 20s) dropped out of college and moved in.Apparently, her dad covers this daughter’s expenses and does not require much (if anything) in return. He lets her basically do as she pleases, and that means sleeping until noon, not working, and asking my sister, “What’s for dinner?”You can probably see where this story is going. My sister’s blissful pre-honeymoon phase is being interrupted by this third person’s constant presence. It frustrates my sister (to no end) that her fiancé has not set down any ground rules. My sister works from home and feels she has lost her peaceful “space” due to his daughter’s lax lifestyle.Further, she fears that the daughter may end up living with them for many years to come; something she didn’t bargain for when she moved into his house and accepted his marriage proposal.AdvertisementYour take?– ConcernedDear Concerned: It’s “his house,” “his proposal,” and “his daughter,” but it’s HER life.This is not the way to enter a family system where two smart, successful, and advanced-age adults should be holding hands and in basic agreement about their marital partnership.This also sets your sister up for failure, as the hard-working future stepmother of a young adult.Every couple should receive pre-marital counseling – but especially couples blending families, finances, and property.AdvertisementI would suggest that your sister put the wedding on hold until she and her fiancé get on the same page regarding all of their children.Life will deliver many unforeseeable events that will require them to pivot, but this situation is easily remedied.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Dear Amy: Not a question, but a comment: Why are some of the issues raised in your column so trivial? It seems like people really work hard to get worked up about things.– TiredDear Tired: I find that generally, if someone isn’t interested in a particular cultural issue, they will find that topic trivial.My take is that our world is wide enough to accommodate issues of all sizes.AdvertisementGot a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.