Browsing: Lifestyle

Dear Amy: I have been in a 20-year relationship with a wonderful man who has been there for me — through thick and thin.We raised my children together and are now enjoying our grandchildren.AdvertisementI have been very unhappy in the relationship for the last few years because I’ve fallen out of love with him.I don’t want to have the grandbabies lose out on a wonderful grandfather because he will leave the country if we split up, but I want to be happy, too.AdvertisementI’ve always liked women, but I didn’t want my mother to take my children away from me if I lived my true self, so when I met him, and we decided to get together, I honestly wanted to grow old with him.Now my children are grown, and I feel like I deserve to be happy. I just don’t want to break a good man’s heart.How can I have both things that I want?– Lost in the ClosetDear Lost: You may not be able to have everything you want.Because of your life experience, you already know this, but the only way to find out what you can have is to start living your truth by being honest with your partner.You will then have to deal with his reaction to your disclosure (he may already suspect that you are attracted to women).I know of many instances where, relatively late in life, people choose to reconfigure their family system to accommodate less-traditional structures and situations.AdvertisementThere is no requirement that your partner should leave your family system – unless he wants to.I hope you will find a way to sincerely convey your desire to remain in a loving relationship with him so that he can remain an important member of the family he has been a part of for the past two decades.Dear Amy: I have planned a big party for my husband’s landmark birthday in two months.This is going to be a sit-down dinner. We invited 80 family members and close friends. About half the guest list is family. The rest are friends.I have had at least four people inform me that they will be bringing additional people, who they believed we would enjoy seeing.My husband has also had two friends ask if they could bring one of their adult children and possibly their kids’ spouses.AdvertisementHe told them he would talk to me and get back to them.We are so fortunate to have so many friends that want to share this celebration with us, but we had to draw a line, as we are not rich and also the venue has a limit of 85. We will be paying for this event.Neither of us want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but isn’t it rude and presumptuous to invite people to someone else’s party?What should we do?Should we just go along with it and hope we can accommodate everyone?One person who wants to bring his adult son (because he really likes my husband) made a snide remark about paying for their dinners.AdvertisementPlease advise me. I really don’t know what to do.– Losing SleepDear Losing Sleep: The last time this happened to me (and it happens to all hosts), I also lost sleep over the question of how to respond to people who wanted to bring extra guests – some of whom were people I’d never met.And then one day I woke up and decided that it was “no” day.I told people, “I’m so sorry — but it won’t be possible for you to bring an extra guest, but I hope you’ll still be able to come. Just let me know.”Every single person responded with a version of this: “OK, no problem. Hey, it doesn’t hurt to ask!”AdvertisementWhat people don’t realize is that when they ask, they shift the burden onto an already nerve-wracked host.Deliver your response quickly and cheerfully. Understand, too, that some people will drop out at the last minute, and some will bring extras, anyway.Dear Amy: “At a Loss in Colorado” shared some biographical essays, and then got angry when her friend didn’t offer comments about her writing.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.While I agreed with your response, I believe you left something out: This friend might not have read the writer’s work at all.I know I wouldn’t.– HesitantAdvertisementDear Hesitant: The risk of pressing your writing on someone is that they won’t like it – or even read it.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Dear Amy: I am a 73-year-old man. My wife died three years ago. This year would have been our 50th year of marriage.Although we had many ups and downs throughout our marriage, we loved each other and raised two wonderful children who now have children of their own. (I also have a daughter from a previous marriage.)AdvertisementI have many grandchildren and great-grandchildren.I love and live for my family. I don’t know what I would have done without them after my wife’s death.AdvertisementOver 40 years ago my wife caught me kissing “Doreen,” my friend’s wife, while we were at a party. Nothing more ever happened. My wife never really got over the betrayal, but we agreed to stay together and work on our marriage. We also stayed friends with Doreen and her husband. He died 25 years ago.Through the years Doreen and I have stayed friends through email, Facebook, phone calls, kids’ birthday parties, etc. My children know her and have always been friendly toward her.Doreen and I have spoken on the phone many times in the years after my wife’s death (the “kiss” has never been mentioned). I’ve become interested in dating her.I mentioned her to my son recently and he was very adamant that he did not want me to date her. He said his sister(s) agreed with him.I don’t even know if Doreen would go out with me, but am I wrong to want her to be a part of my life? I’m afraid my kids will turn away from me. I think my wife told them about this long-ago kiss.I was totally surprised by my son’s reaction.What should I do?– Just FriendsAdvertisementDear Friends: When you essentially ask someone for permission to live your life within completely respectable boundaries, you take a risk that they will say, “No.”And – reporting my own non-scientific findings and insight, I’d say that around 70 percent of adult children say a quick “no” to the prospect of their older parent dating after a loss. (They often come around later.)Just as you don’t have the power to run your kids’ lives, you should not give them the power to run yours.So, don’t ask.For now, the only asking on your part should be confined to “Doreen.” Furthermore, I hope you won’t make the mistake of believing that you need to explain or apologize for a regrettable choice you made 40 years ago, which you and your wife dealt with as well as you could.My overall point is that your health and happiness should be the most important thing to the people who love you. Handle this new relationship discreetly and in thoughtful stages.AdvertisementDear Amy: In January I loaned my granddaughter $9,000.She agreed to pay me back when her bank opened the following Monday. I know she had the money because her father (my son) was involved in a lawsuit and she received a large sum of money.It has been several months now, and she has not paid me yet.I am considering suing her because I am retired and living on a fixed income. What should I do?It pains me that I am being treated this way after I was so kind to loan her this money.– StiffedAdvertisementDear Stiffed: Some of the details you offer don’t quite hold together.If your granddaughter could have paid you back from money in her own account on a Monday, then why did she need this money so urgently before that?Did she tell you why she needed this large sum, or why her father didn’t loan it to her?I hope you have some documentation regarding this loan.Start by asking her – in writing — to repay you.You could also try asking her father to repay you.AdvertisementIf you don’t receive satisfactory answers (and your money), then – yes — depending on where you live, you could take this to small claims court, which would be an easier (and less expensive) process for you.I hope you charge her interest.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Dear Amy: Ah, I sighed when I read your response to “A Friend” about a broken friendship: “True friends are daffodils in the snow, and they are well worth freezing for.”I’m currently experiencing a friendship that is dying on the vine; this helped me to put it in perspective.– Moving OnDear Moving On: This analogy was inspired by venturing into a snowstorm to rescue some wounded daffodils.AdvertisementGot a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Dear Amy: My daughter has been married almost a year.Her husband is in the military, and they had to get hitched so she could live with him during the COVID-19 lockdowns.AdvertisementThey live on an isolated military base. She takes care of the house, started a business, volunteers for the Red Cross, and has a dog keep her busy.She just graduated from college, but there is no work on the base for her.AdvertisementHe came home from work last night and told her he has been unhappy for a while and that he wanted a divorce.He said that counseling won’t help; his mind is made up. Then he left and stayed at a friend’s house. He won’t take her calls.The two of them did some premarital counseling and have some relationship books, so they have tools.I told her to email him to express what she is feeling, because it is not right for him to treat her like this. She is devastated and doesn’t even know what she has done wrong.Last month they were talking about starting a family. How are they on divorce’s doorstep?He has been out drinking with his buddies quite a bit in the last month.He has just decided that it’s over and she needs to pack and leave?What should her first steps be? She lives several states away, so going to give her a hug is not possible, but I need to help her.AdvertisementShe is alone and devastated and doesn’t know where to turn.I encouraged her to see the pastor on base, (this is the only counselor), but she is hesitant.Your advice?– JDear J: Keep in close touch with your daughter. I agree that she should see the base chaplain. The chaplain cannot save her marriage, but that person will know the next steps the couple will need to take if they decide to separate – or if her husband alone decides to make this break permanent.Military OneSource is a very helpful online portal provided by the U.S. Department of Defense. The site covers most conceivable topics of importance to military families, and offers a “live chat” function, as well as telephone counseling support.AdvertisementYour daughter’s first step should be to research her legal options and responsibilities. She got married quickly – it might be best to also dissolve this brief marriage quickly.My understanding is that if this divorce becomes a legal reality, your daughter will lose her access to live-in military housing.As her supportive parent, you should encourage her to breathe, to take things step-by-step, and – yes, (if possible) you should offer to help her pack the U-Haul.Dear Amy: I need some advice!I am a young adult who is hoping to break into the music industry.I use social media to network and connect with other artists — posting events, photos, etc.AdvertisementMy well-meaning Nana leaves comments and shares all my posts to her “page.”It’s completely embarrassing and comes across as unprofessional. How do I get her to stop without hurting her feelings or blocking her?Help!– Off KeyDear Off Key: First of all … how sweet. I’m at the age and stage of life where I believe that proud Nanas are pretty cool.Once you make it big(ger), you’ll be able to “own” this with pride. In fact, your Nana’s fandom could be your secret superpower. There might be clever ways for you to use her pride and engagement to promote your work. (A sample endorsement: “Goth’s Earworm: Easily as good as REO Speedwagon! (my Nana)”)AdvertisementIn the meantime, research ways to “mute” her comments. You should be able to do this without her being aware of it.Also – make sure you are engaging through the best social channels for your career. Your Nana probably isn’t on TikTok (but if she is, you should probably follow her lead).Dear Amy: I appreciate your compassion regarding the loss of a pet.My dear Labrador retriever passed away recently.Agonizing about what to do when she was really struggling near the end of her life, I reached out to a national organization called Lap of Love (lapoflove.com), that was incredible.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.They provide in-house visits, hospice care, medical advice (telehealth), euthanasia, and pet loss support.AdvertisementI am so grateful to the extremely kind and caring vet who helped us during a very difficult time.– Missing my Dog in CTDear Missing my Dog: In-home hospice care for a dying animal is a true gift.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

What could be more glorious in Chicago than that first burst of heat, chasing away winter blues with a shock of sunlight and sprouts shooting up out of nowhere?Spring took her time to get here, but as the high temperatures of early May mellow into more typical weather for the season, eager gardeners can spend a little time ahead of Memorial Day weekend prepping for the coming months of planting, weeding, mowing and more.Whether you’re a first-time homeowner looking to lay some groundwork, or a seasoned pro exploring new ideas, here are our top tips for garden and lawn care in the Chicago area.Richard McMurray builds several spring plants and flowers into individual organic containers at City Grange. (Antonio Perez / Chicago Tribune)Take note of what type of soil is in your yard, be it sandy or claylike, as well as the sunlight exposure and degree of shade. It’s vital to consider these conditions when choosing the best plants for your garden, which will also change with the season.Draw out your space on paper so you can plot out your vision for a garden. Consider things like where your utilities are located, or how you can use plants to create some privacy in your yard or bolster home security. The microclimate within a garden can also affect plants. Use the color wheel to help you understand the basic relationships between the colors and to gain an understanding about how to mix them more effectively.If you’re planning to start a garden in the strip of land between the sidewalk and the street — whether you call it a parkway, berm or hell strip — there are additional considerations to make.Use plant catalogs or get information through the Morton Arboretum Plant Clinic and Chicago Botanic Garden to figure out which plants will fit your needs and the time of year, then order from a nearby garden center. Chicago Botanic Garden also offers a free smartphone app for advice on the go.The city and suburbs have a wealth of garden centers with a sweeping range of offerings. In Chicago, garden centers include Adams & Son Gardens (Humboldt Park), Christy Webber Farm & Garden (East Garfield Park), CityEscape (East Garfield Park), Farmers Market Garden Center (Irving Park), Gethsemane Garden Center (Edgewater), Growers Outlet (Gresham), and Old Town Gardens.In the suburbs, check out Chalet Nursery (Wilmette), Meinke’s Garden Center (Niles), and Ted’s Greenhouse (Tinley Park).More tips:AdvertisementDividing perennials in spring gives the new transplants time to become established over the course of the entire growing season. (Chicago Botanic Garden)If you’re starting fresh, you’ll need to measure your garden bed to determine how much soil, compost or mulch you’ll need. There are tips below for choosing the tools that suit your needs, as well as how to care for them.Start your own compost pile to provide nutrient-rich compost for your plants, while also reducing waste. Composting at home is easy to do by simply finding a discreet spot to pile up landscape waste or purchasing a free-standing plastic composter.For growing plants from seeds, growing cells or jiffy pots will help get sprouts going before they’re strong enough to plant outside. (Not all seeds can be started in pots, so check the package label or website.)For indoor plants, look for pots with drainage holes, as trapped water can lead to root rot. Use plastic inner pots inside slightly larger terra cotta, clay or other decorative pots, and fill them with indoor potting soil or, for succulents, a cactus blend.If your pots do not have holes, fill the bottom with small stones to keep the soil from becoming too soggy. For plants that need more humidity, you can place stones in the saucer and fill it with water, or mist leaves regularly.You may also need fertilizer after your new plants settle in. Garden centers will usually provide advice for how best to care for your plants, and some are offering online help during the pandemic.More tips:AdvertisementLettuce at the City Grange, a Lincoln Square gardening center in Chicago, on April 22, 2020. (Antonio Perez / Chicago Tribune)Hardiness zones help determine which types of plants will thrive in your garden’s climate. The Chicago area is generally 6a or 5b, and gardening catalogs will include that information for each plant (you can read more about hardiness zones here).You’ll need to wait until fall to plant most spring-flowering bulbs, but early spring is the perfect time for violas and pansies, wildflowers and mild-mannered native plants.Shrubs can add visual texture and shade coverage. Arborvitaes are a popular choice and are available inexpensively at nearly every garden center and home store. In many Chicago-area neighborhoods and suburbs, yew shrubs are ubiquitous.More tips:AdvertisementA butterfly sips nectar from a blossom at the Chicago Botanic Garden’s Butterflies & Blooms exhibition. (Chicago Botanic Garden)Early spring weeds are already sprouting, but you can act now to lessen the spread. It’s also a good time to rework garden bed edges, which will improve the overall appearance of your garden and be much easier to mow along.You might be considering some changes to your garden, like adding native prairie plants or paying some extra attention to those lush hydrangea bushes. If last year’s gardening didn’t go as planned, consider the shade and soil conditions, and whether the type of plant you selected match up. For spots that didn’t get as much sun as you expected, consider switching to plants that thrive in dry, shady areas, such as hostas, wild ferns and wild columbine.If you’ve planted anything new in the past two or three years, the young plants will likely need supplemental watering, especially during hot weather.More tips:AdvertisementMoth orchids are among the easier orchids to grow. (Mincho Minchev / Getty Images)Consider the amount of daylight each room in your home gets, as well as factors like proximity to radiant heat (which dehydrates air and fluctuates temperature) or access for curious pets to nibble. Be sure to get the right soil, or soilless medium, for the type of plant you select.Certain houseplants thrive on neglect, so if you haven’t had good luck, try a low-maintenance plant like a ZZ plant, a parlor palm, a pothos or a monstera. Succulents and air plants also tend to require little care — in fact, watering them too often can do more harm than good.Most garden centers sell young plants, so you don’t have to start from seeds. Certain plants, like a pothos or spider plant, are easy to propagate, meaning a cutting can grow roots and become its own plant, or be added back into the pot for a denser look. Ask friends if they have cuttings to spare, or check plant care or trade groups on social media for fellow enthusiasts in your area.If you have pets, consult experts on which plants would be toxic or poisonous for your animal. While mild toxicity can result in minor side effects, these plants should be kept out of reach of curious critters.More tips:AdvertisementAfrican violets are easy to grow and come in many varieties. (Chicago Botanic Garden)Do a routine check for any pests or diseases, like spider mites, aphids, whiteflies, mealybugs, black fungus gnats or mildew. If your houseplant is inside a plastic container, give it a squeeze, or gently lift the plant up without harming the root ball, to see if it needs to be repotted (many do after being dormant in winter).If the plastic container doesn’t have much give, or if roots have started forming in the shape of the pot or are growing out of the holes at the bottom, it’s time to repot. If a plant is too large to repot, add fresh soil to provide nutrients.Lower leaves on some plants, like dracaenas and palms, will start to brown and wither as new growth begins. Prune dead leaves, but take a closer look if the entire plant is affected.AdvertisementThe first red leaves of fall are often seen in sumac shrubs. This is smooth sumac (Rhus glabra). (John Hagstrom/Morton Arboretum)If you’ll be planting any new trees this year, consider species that are native to the Midwest, which are likely to handle the local weather and can feed the local wildlife. Dogwood, oaks and tupelo are a few choice options.For already established trees and shrubs, make sure you’re selecting the right kind of mulch as you start your springtime garden TLC.Prune dead or broken branches on deciduous shrubs. If you didn’t give them a major pruning when they were dormant during the winter, you can still tidy them up a bit. It can be tricky to tell which branches are deadwood, but decay, cracks and other clues can help.At this point in spring, don’t prune spring-blooming shrubs such as forsythia, viburnum, lilac and quince, or you’ll be cutting off their buds.If pruning, be sure to research best practices — too steep of a cut or too much weight on the branch could be fatal to your tree. If a tree suffered damage over the winter, a professional arborist might be able to recommend ways to save them.Take stock of damage to shrubs and your yard as well. Pesky deer might have munched on evergreens and caused browning bottoms, while burrowing voles could carve runways through your yard under winter snow.More tips:AdvertisementAn easy way to improve the quality of your lawn and better prepare it for the typical hotter and drier weather in summer is to mow at 3 to 3.5 inches. Many gardeners mow their lawns too short. (Robin Carlson / Chicago Botanic Garden)If you’re a first-time homeowner, we’ve got a rundown on what to look for when buying the gas-powered lawnmowers, leaf blowers and weed wackers you’ll need this summer.Don’t bother with power raking at this point in the year, and only consider it if you’ve got an excessive buildup of thatch under your grass. But measures like core aeration and using a mulching mower are preferred maintenance alternatives.Proper mowing practices can have a big impact on the health and appearance of your lawn. Cutting at a height of 3 to 3 ½ inches helps grass develop a deeper root system and be better able to withstand stress when the weather gets hotter and drier. The taller grass will also help discourage weeds.It is OK to cut at a shorter height in the early season, when growing conditions are typically ideal for bluegrass. Cutting at a lower height, around 2 to 2 ½ inches in early spring allows you to neaten up your lawn as it is starting to grow and before it broadly passes the 3-inch height mark, and then again for the last cut in late fall.More tips:AdvertisementCurley parsley at City Grange, a Lincoln Square gardening center offering curbside pickup and delivery during the stay-at-home order. (Antonio Perez / Chicago Tribune)Full sun is best for a vegetable garden, and if you’re new to the process, start small. The end of April is the right time to plant cool-season vegetable crops like peas, cilantro, lettuce and radish, but most vegetables, including tomatoes and squash, should be planted in late May, after the final frost of the season.The University of Illinois Extension has a vegetable guide and lots of advice on troubleshooting for vegetable gardens, while Chicago magazine has a great guide on easy-to-grow vegetables and windowsill vegetable gardens. Growing microgreens is a fun option for indoor enthusiasts, and they only take a couple of weeks until they’re ready to harvest.For self-water, ready-to-go herb kits, Chicago-based company Modern Sprout puts seeds, soil and other growing materials into a mason jar. Aside from a variety of herbs, the company also makes kits for cactuses, flowers and vegetables, plus equipment like grow lights and hydroplanters.Some gardening centers also sell young herbs or kits, as well.AdvertisementThe staff at the Chicago Botanic Garden is dealing with a robust weed population to remove this spring. (robin carlson/Robin Carlson)There are lots of resources for gardening enthusiasts. The Tribune’s Homes section includes a weekly Q&A for gardeners, and local experts like WGN’s Lou Manfredini offer advice on a wide range of gardening topics. You can also send questions to the U. of I. Extension expert gardeners, who usually respond in a couple of days.More tips:archeung@chicagotribune.com

What could be more glorious in Chicago than that first burst of heat, chasing away winter blues with a shock of sunlight and sprouts shooting up out of nowhere?Spring took her time to get here, but as the high temperatures of early May mellow into more typical weather for the season, eager gardeners can spend a little time ahead of Memorial Day weekend prepping for the coming months of planting, weeding, mowing and more.Whether you’re a first-time homeowner looking to lay some groundwork, or a seasoned pro exploring new ideas, here are our top tips for garden and lawn care in the Chicago area.Richard McMurray builds several spring plants and flowers into individual organic containers at City Grange. (Antonio Perez / Chicago Tribune)Take note of what type of soil is in your yard, be it sandy or claylike, as well as the sunlight exposure and degree of shade. It’s vital to consider these conditions when choosing the best plants for your garden, which will also change with the season.Draw out your space on paper so you can plot out your vision for a garden. Consider things like where your utilities are located, or how you can use plants to create some privacy in your yard or bolster home security. The microclimate within a garden can also affect plants. Use the color wheel to help you understand the basic relationships between the colors and to gain an understanding about how to mix them more effectively.If you’re planning to start a garden in the strip of land between the sidewalk and the street — whether you call it a parkway, berm or hell strip — there are additional considerations to make.Use plant catalogs or get information through the Morton Arboretum Plant Clinic and Chicago Botanic Garden to figure out which plants will fit your needs and the time of year, then order from a nearby garden center. Chicago Botanic Garden also offers a free smartphone app for advice on the go.The city and suburbs have a wealth of garden centers with a sweeping range of offerings. In Chicago, garden centers include Adams & Son Gardens (Humboldt Park), Christy Webber Farm & Garden (East Garfield Park), CityEscape (East Garfield Park), Farmers Market Garden Center (Irving Park), Gethsemane Garden Center (Edgewater), Growers Outlet (Gresham), and Old Town Gardens.In the suburbs, check out Chalet Nursery (Wilmette), Meinke’s Garden Center (Niles), and Ted’s Greenhouse (Tinley Park).More tips:AdvertisementDividing perennials in spring gives the new transplants time to become established over the course of the entire growing season. (Chicago Botanic Garden)If you’re starting fresh, you’ll need to measure your garden bed to determine how much soil, compost or mulch you’ll need. There are tips below for choosing the tools that suit your needs, as well as how to care for them.Start your own compost pile to provide nutrient-rich compost for your plants, while also reducing waste. Composting at home is easy to do by simply finding a discreet spot to pile up landscape waste or purchasing a free-standing plastic composter.For growing plants from seeds, growing cells or jiffy pots will help get sprouts going before they’re strong enough to plant outside. (Not all seeds can be started in pots, so check the package label or website.)For indoor plants, look for pots with drainage holes, as trapped water can lead to root rot. Use plastic inner pots inside slightly larger terra cotta, clay or other decorative pots, and fill them with indoor potting soil or, for succulents, a cactus blend.If your pots do not have holes, fill the bottom with small stones to keep the soil from becoming too soggy. For plants that need more humidity, you can place stones in the saucer and fill it with water, or mist leaves regularly.You may also need fertilizer after your new plants settle in. Garden centers will usually provide advice for how best to care for your plants, and some are offering online help during the pandemic.More tips:AdvertisementLettuce at the City Grange, a Lincoln Square gardening center in Chicago, on April 22, 2020. (Antonio Perez / Chicago Tribune)Hardiness zones help determine which types of plants will thrive in your garden’s climate. The Chicago area is generally 6a or 5b, and gardening catalogs will include that information for each plant (you can read more about hardiness zones here).You’ll need to wait until fall to plant most spring-flowering bulbs, but early spring is the perfect time for violas and pansies, wildflowers and mild-mannered native plants.Shrubs can add visual texture and shade coverage. Arborvitaes are a popular choice and are available inexpensively at nearly every garden center and home store. In many Chicago-area neighborhoods and suburbs, yew shrubs are ubiquitous.More tips:AdvertisementA butterfly sips nectar from a blossom at the Chicago Botanic Garden’s Butterflies & Blooms exhibition. (Chicago Botanic Garden)Early spring weeds are already sprouting, but you can act now to lessen the spread. It’s also a good time to rework garden bed edges, which will improve the overall appearance of your garden and be much easier to mow along.You might be considering some changes to your garden, like adding native prairie plants or paying some extra attention to those lush hydrangea bushes. If last year’s gardening didn’t go as planned, consider the shade and soil conditions, and whether the type of plant you selected match up. For spots that didn’t get as much sun as you expected, consider switching to plants that thrive in dry, shady areas, such as hostas, wild ferns and wild columbine.If you’ve planted anything new in the past two or three years, the young plants will likely need supplemental watering, especially during hot weather.More tips:AdvertisementMoth orchids are among the easier orchids to grow. (Mincho Minchev / Getty Images)Consider the amount of daylight each room in your home gets, as well as factors like proximity to radiant heat (which dehydrates air and fluctuates temperature) or access for curious pets to nibble. Be sure to get the right soil, or soilless medium, for the type of plant you select.Certain houseplants thrive on neglect, so if you haven’t had good luck, try a low-maintenance plant like a ZZ plant, a parlor palm, a pothos or a monstera. Succulents and air plants also tend to require little care — in fact, watering them too often can do more harm than good.Most garden centers sell young plants, so you don’t have to start from seeds. Certain plants, like a pothos or spider plant, are easy to propagate, meaning a cutting can grow roots and become its own plant, or be added back into the pot for a denser look. Ask friends if they have cuttings to spare, or check plant care or trade groups on social media for fellow enthusiasts in your area.If you have pets, consult experts on which plants would be toxic or poisonous for your animal. While mild toxicity can result in minor side effects, these plants should be kept out of reach of curious critters.More tips:AdvertisementAfrican violets are easy to grow and come in many varieties. (Chicago Botanic Garden)Do a routine check for any pests or diseases, like spider mites, aphids, whiteflies, mealybugs, black fungus gnats or mildew. If your houseplant is inside a plastic container, give it a squeeze, or gently lift the plant up without harming the root ball, to see if it needs to be repotted (many do after being dormant in winter).If the plastic container doesn’t have much give, or if roots have started forming in the shape of the pot or are growing out of the holes at the bottom, it’s time to repot. If a plant is too large to repot, add fresh soil to provide nutrients.Lower leaves on some plants, like dracaenas and palms, will start to brown and wither as new growth begins. Prune dead leaves, but take a closer look if the entire plant is affected.AdvertisementThe first red leaves of fall are often seen in sumac shrubs. This is smooth sumac (Rhus glabra). (John Hagstrom/Morton Arboretum)If you’ll be planting any new trees this year, consider species that are native to the Midwest, which are likely to handle the local weather and can feed the local wildlife. Dogwood, oaks and tupelo are a few choice options.For already established trees and shrubs, make sure you’re selecting the right kind of mulch as you start your springtime garden TLC.Prune dead or broken branches on deciduous shrubs. If you didn’t give them a major pruning when they were dormant during the winter, you can still tidy them up a bit. It can be tricky to tell which branches are deadwood, but decay, cracks and other clues can help.At this point in spring, don’t prune spring-blooming shrubs such as forsythia, viburnum, lilac and quince, or you’ll be cutting off their buds.If pruning, be sure to research best practices — too steep of a cut or too much weight on the branch could be fatal to your tree. If a tree suffered damage over the winter, a professional arborist might be able to recommend ways to save them.Take stock of damage to shrubs and your yard as well. Pesky deer might have munched on evergreens and caused browning bottoms, while burrowing voles could carve runways through your yard under winter snow.More tips:AdvertisementAn easy way to improve the quality of your lawn and better prepare it for the typical hotter and drier weather in summer is to mow at 3 to 3.5 inches. Many gardeners mow their lawns too short. (Robin Carlson / Chicago Botanic Garden)If you’re a first-time homeowner, we’ve got a rundown on what to look for when buying the gas-powered lawnmowers, leaf blowers and weed wackers you’ll need this summer.Don’t bother with power raking at this point in the year, and only consider it if you’ve got an excessive buildup of thatch under your grass. But measures like core aeration and using a mulching mower are preferred maintenance alternatives.Proper mowing practices can have a big impact on the health and appearance of your lawn. Cutting at a height of 3 to 3 ½ inches helps grass develop a deeper root system and be better able to withstand stress when the weather gets hotter and drier. The taller grass will also help discourage weeds.It is OK to cut at a shorter height in the early season, when growing conditions are typically ideal for bluegrass. Cutting at a lower height, around 2 to 2 ½ inches in early spring allows you to neaten up your lawn as it is starting to grow and before it broadly passes the 3-inch height mark, and then again for the last cut in late fall.More tips:AdvertisementCurley parsley at City Grange, a Lincoln Square gardening center offering curbside pickup and delivery during the stay-at-home order. (Antonio Perez / Chicago Tribune)Full sun is best for a vegetable garden, and if you’re new to the process, start small. The end of April is the right time to plant cool-season vegetable crops like peas, cilantro, lettuce and radish, but most vegetables, including tomatoes and squash, should be planted in late May, after the final frost of the season.The University of Illinois Extension has a vegetable guide and lots of advice on troubleshooting for vegetable gardens, while Chicago magazine has a great guide on easy-to-grow vegetables and windowsill vegetable gardens. Growing microgreens is a fun option for indoor enthusiasts, and they only take a couple of weeks until they’re ready to harvest.For self-water, ready-to-go herb kits, Chicago-based company Modern Sprout puts seeds, soil and other growing materials into a mason jar. Aside from a variety of herbs, the company also makes kits for cactuses, flowers and vegetables, plus equipment like grow lights and hydroplanters.Some gardening centers also sell young herbs or kits, as well.AdvertisementThe staff at the Chicago Botanic Garden is dealing with a robust weed population to remove this spring. (robin carlson/Robin Carlson)There are lots of resources for gardening enthusiasts. The Tribune’s Homes section includes a weekly Q&A for gardeners, and local experts like WGN’s Lou Manfredini offer advice on a wide range of gardening topics. You can also send questions to the U. of I. Extension expert gardeners, who usually respond in a couple of days.More tips:archeung@chicagotribune.com

Dear Amy: My partner, “Chris” just showed me a gift he bought for his adult son. This gift is a “verified” personal calling card once owned by Adolf Hitler (Hitler allegedly gave them out to people he would meet).Chris purchased this card from an American museum’s rare items collection and spent quite a bit of money for it.AdvertisementHe finds this gift funny and amusing.Chris is a nice and kind person, and he doesn’t have any prejudice against any ethnic groups.AdvertisementI felt very disturbed, angry, disappointed, and perplexed by the nature of this gift. I don’t find anything related to Hitler an appropriate item for gift-giving, laughter, or amusement.The night I learned of this gift, I was plagued by horrific images and thoughts of the crimes against humanity brought about by this monster.I wrote a note to my partner about how I felt about it and invited him to do some soul searching about his choice. He read my note, stated that he felt angry and frustrated by it, and said, “I knew I shouldn’t have shown it to you.” He then said, “I don’t want my day ruined by this.”I feel perplexed as how this sweet and kind partner could come up with such a gift, honoring an evil person.I wonder how I can be at peace with it.– Perplexed Partner!Dear Perplexed: Using information supplied by you, I verified that the place where your partner purchased this artifact is less a “museum” and more an individual’s private collection located in the dealer’s home.Diving into this disturbing topic, I’ve also learned that there is quite a market for these artifacts, and that collectors use various justifications for purchasing them.AdvertisementIn my opinion, unless a purchaser intends to use artifacts as teaching tools to illustrate both the banality (“calling cards”) and the monstrosity of evil, then there is absolutely no ethical reason to purchase them.It is certainly not “funny,” in any context.So yes, I’d say that at the least, your “nice and kind” guy is sensitive regarding himself (he didn’t want your reaction to “ruin his day”), and not actually sensitive to the reality of suffering experienced by millions of people that should be brought to mind by any Hitler artifact.So yes, I agree that the act itself of purchasing this item as an “amusing” gift is tasteless and troubling. Additionally, his reaction to your honest feedback and concern will quite naturally make you ponder his personal ethics.You ask how to be “at peace” with this choice. Perhaps – when you are less reactive and he is less defensive – you two will be able to come to an understanding about his choice.But there are times when you should stand up for your own values. Doing so is rarely peaceful.AdvertisementDear Amy: A dear friend, whom I met through my ex-husband, recently died.The family has requested that in lieu of flowers, donations be made to the deceased’s favorite charity. I intend to make such a donation.My partner of 15 years thinks that I should ask my ex to contribute to the donation and make it from my ex and me.I strongly disagree for a variety of very valid reasons. While I did meet this friend and his wife through my ex, I have maintained a friendship with them while my ex has not.For a variety of very valid reasons, I only communicate with my ex-husband when absolutely necessary.In spite of knowing all this, my partner still insists that he is right. I maintain that it is entirely inappropriate as my ex and I are no longer a couple.AdvertisementAnd your opinion is…?– Perplexed Re: The ExDear Perplexed: I’m surprised that this is even up for discussion.Let your partner know that joint donations between hardly speaking ex-spouses would be the exception – not the norm.More important, this is your friend, your money, and your choice.Dear Amy: Your advice to “Bay Area Stepmom Cook” was, as usual, tasteless.AdvertisementYou NEVER tell a cook how to cook! Ever. Especially when they are doing it for free, as a favor.If this son-in-law does not like his mother-in-law’s cooking, then he can cook his own or eat out of a can.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.– DisgustedDear Disgusted: Even though she was aware of her son-in-law’s extreme aversion to onions, this mother-in-law insisted on including them in everything.He isn’t telling her how to cook.She is telling him how to eat.AdvertisementGot a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

“I have been getting conflicting advice on power raking my lawn in the spring and collecting grass clippings when I mow the lawn throughout the growing season. Can you please give me your point of view on these maintenance issues?”— Amy Brill, Park RidgeAdvertisementIn general, I do not recommend power raking a lawn unless there is excessive thatch buildup to remove. Thatch is a layer of living plant material and organic matter that builds up between the living turf grass above and the root system and soil below. Once this layer gets thicker than a ½-inch, it can create issues with the performance and maintenance of your lawn.Core aerating your lawn on an annual basis will help prevent and correct the excessive formation of thatch and is my preferred maintenance approach versus power raking in most situations. It’s too late in my mind to power rake now, as most lawns have started actively growing. The wet and cold spring delayed a lot of gardening work.AdvertisementBest mowing practices for spring include leaving grass longer than you might expect. (RJ Carlson/Chicago Botanic Garden)Proper mowing practices can have a big impact on the health and appearance of your lawn. I prefer to cut at a height of 3 to 3 ½ inches. The grass will develop a deeper root system and be better able to withstand stress when the weather gets hotter and drier. The taller grass will also help discourage weeds.It is OK to cut at a shorter height in the early season, when growing conditions are typically ideal for bluegrass. Cutting at a lower height in early spring allows you to neaten up your lawn as it is starting to grow and before it broadly passes the 3-inch height mark. I cut at 2 to 2 ½ inches for the last cut of the year in late fall.Use a mulching mower to recycle the clippings back into the lawn and save yourself time in bagging and disposing of the clippings. The mulching mowers do not work well in tall, wet grass, so if the lawn gets away from you, you will need to cut a narrower strip of grass each pass and walk slower to avoid clogging and stalling the mower.It is best to avoid leaving clumps of grass on the lawn, so you may need to mow twice or rake some to break up any remaining clumps of grass. I continue using a mulching mower in fall as the leaves fall and do not bag them. My yard has several large oak trees, so there are a lot of leaves to mow over in the fall. You should cover the grass with shredded leaves to avoid smothering the lawn over winter. When I finish mowing in the fall, you can see small pieces of leaves on the ground, but the grass is not covered.For more plant advice, contact the Plant Information Service at the Chicago Botanic Garden at plantinfo@chicagobotanic.org. Tim Johnson is senior director of horticulture at the Chicago Botanic Garden.

Dear Amy: I have read advice in your column suggesting that it is wisest to tell children about their adoption starting very young.My six-year-old twin grandchildren have never been told that their momma’s eggs came from an egg donor.AdvertisementThe parents are now divorced but are very friendly.Should they tell the kids?AdvertisementTheir momma carried them and gave birth to them.– WonderingDear Wondering: As with children who join their families through adoption, parents should also tell children who were conceived through donation their true birth story – ideally starting when the children are pre-verbal.This gives parents lots of practice in telling the story, and normalizes it for everyone.What parents should NOT do is treat this as a mystery or a family secret. Families are made in many different ways, and children are capable of understanding this because they see it in their own world.Kids notice that not all families are the same. For instance, your grandkids’ folks are divorced – but the parents and kids are still in a family together. They are also quite curious about their own origin story.Not knowing the truth and then finding out later can prove genuinely traumatic for people – who upon learning that their birth is the result of sperm or egg donation can struggle understanding their true identity and wonder why nobody ever told them the story surrounding their conception and birth.Another reason for parents to tell – and retell – this story is that in this day of easy DNA testing (and certainly in the future), all children will eventually have access to this knowledge when they are older.AdvertisementBecause these parents are divorced, they should both talk to the twins about the very happy way they came into the world. They should answer all questions as they arise. Even though some donor-conceived people eventually meet their biological relations, they know their parents are the people who raised them.There are a number of charming children’s books describing this process in age-appropriate ways.One I like is, “The Pea that was Me: An Egg-Donation Story,” by Kimberly Kluger-Bell (2012, CreateSpace Independent).Dear Amy: My wife and I have two young children. One is in pre-school and the other is in first grade. My wife and I both work.I recently found a basketball league of other dads that I’d like to join. The games are one evening a week.I haven’t approached my wife about doing this, but honestly – I’m nervous about it. She works really hard, and I don’t want her to feel like I’m abandoning her.AdvertisementMaybe I should just wait until the kids are older.What do you think?– Nervous DadDear Dad: Take it from me – if “wait until the kids are older” is your primary strategy for tackling life, you will never leave the house again.Parenting younger children is often about divide and conquer.You and your wife should both find something besides work (and outside the home) that engages, invigorates, and connects you with other adults.AdvertisementYou should approach her with the idea that if she can hold down the fort one weeknight, you will take another night (or a weekend morning).If your wife is overwhelmed by this idea, you might be able to find a pickup game on a Saturday or Sunday, and either take the kids with you, or engage someone to play with the kids while you are playing with the dads.Dear Amy: Your recent response to a letter from “Feeling Guilty,” which concerned salary discussions and disclosure of compensation in the workplace was woefully incomplete.Companies may have a policy against salary discussions or at least a culture of non-disclosure.Just because salary discussions are protected by law does not mean that such conversations are appropriate. There are legitimate reasons why salary increases are provided for some but not others.If the letter writer shares this personal information in an effort to help the co-worker, it may backfire and damage the letter writer’s career.AdvertisementAsk AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.– DisappointedDear Disappointed: In my (admittedly limited) experience, most companies have a “culture of non-disclosure.” That’s because it is in the company’s interest for co-workers to keep their compensation a secret.“Feeling Guilty” reported that her colleague confided that she (the colleague) hadn’t received a raise during her entire 10-year career with the company.Feeling Guilty, who had received several raises, could encourage her colleague to look for another job by stating that others have received raises, without disclosing specifics.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Advertisement©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Dear Amy: My daughter is 34 years old, single, with no children. She’s intelligent and well educated.Six months ago, she quit her job in another state and moved into our house. We welcomed her, but it was supposed to be temporary.AdvertisementShe seemed reluctant to come here to begin with, saying that she didn’t want to intrude into our lives. However, since arriving, she hasn’t even been looking for a job.She says that she doesn’t know what she wants to do or what her abilities are.AdvertisementShe’s been sitting around on her phone all day and every day. She gets depressed about her life, but she’s not doing anything to try to change or improve her life.My husband doesn’t want to push her. I feel that the longer we give her a free ride, the worse her life is going to be.What should we do?– A Concerned MotherDear Concerned: No able-bodied 34-year-old should quit a job without having another job or full-time educational opportunity lined up. Self-supporting people need to continue to support themselves, even during times when they’re not sure where they’re headed.She needs to work! She needs the income to finance the current and next phase of her life. She also needs to experience the satisfaction and tolerate the frustration and fatigue of putting in a day’s work. As of this writing, the unemployment rate is a low 3.6 percent and employers are eager for workers.Your daughter is an adult, and her choices are her responsibility. But misery does love a soft bed. She has successfully descended to the level of your low expectations. Her sloth is also affecting her self-esteem.Six months of R&R are enough. Give her two weeks to find a job – any job. Let her know that if she wants to continue living with you, she will have to work at least 20 hours a week while she pulls her more permanent plans together. Give her six months to save enough to rent her own place. This puts the total of her respite at one year, which is a generous amount of time for you to donate to her.AdvertisementDoes she need counseling? Help her to find it. Does she need job coaching? Help her to get some. She can do all of these things and work 20 hours a week – and she will feel much better about herself when she does.Dear Amy: My wife and I are in our early 60s and have been married for 13 years.Up until two or three years ago our love life was pretty good, but has gradually tapered off until a little over a year ago my wife told me she has no sex drive — which ended our sex life.She asked our family doctor, who told her it’s a normal part of aging and there’s probably not much to be done.She has said she would see if there are any alternatives but to date hasn’t acted on her intentions.While her libido is zero, mine is still what I would deem healthy for a man my age. I don’t expect (nor want) daily sex, but once a week or so would be great.AdvertisementI miss the sex, but I miss the intimacy just as much and find myself feeling like I’m drifting away. I don’t feel like we’re close any more.I find your advice to be common sense and well-reasoned and almost always agree with your suggestions. Your advice is welcome.– Lacking in LoveDear Lacking: Your wife should definitely consult with an ob/gyn.Loss of libido for women can be related to a number of physical factors, and there are treatments available to mitigate these age-related changes.I hope you can understand, however, what a loss this is for your wife. Losing your desire can be profoundly sad; it can also make you forget what having desire felt like, making it challenging to pursue treatment.AdvertisementWhile you work on this, find ways to be physically close – without having sex.If your wife doesn’t feel the pressure to have intercourse, being intimate with you should help to draw you two closer.Dear Amy: I have to thank you for putting words to what I have felt in my own life, as the survivor of an abusive household.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.“Adult survivors … don’t know what ‘script’ to follow.”That’s me.– Grateful for InsightAdvertisementDear Grateful: I hope you can write your own script – with a healthy and happy ending.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Would you like to dress up your tree with a garden around it? That’s fine — as long as it consists of compatible plants in the ground, and is not a raised planter.Raised planters are a common sight around the bases of trees. They are often built of pavers, bricks or stones and filled with soil and plants. But they’re not a good idea: “That can do the tree serious harm,” said Stephanie Adams, a plant pathologist in plant health care at The Morton Arboretum in Lisle.AdvertisementConstructing a planter around the trunk of a tree risks seriously harming the tree. (Morton Arboretum)The bed will bury the bottom part of the tree’s trunk in moist soil and mulch, encouraging diseases and infections. “It’s a favorable environment for fungi, which are the primary cause of most plant diseases,” Adams said.“The bark of a tree is meant to be above ground where it can stay dry,” she said.AdvertisementA raised planter can also smother the tree’s roots by piling soil too deep on top of them. Tree roots normally grow just a few inches below the soil’s surface, where air and water can readily filter down to reach them. Piling a foot or more of soil on top of the roots can cut them off from the air and water they need.What can you do around the base of a tree without damaging it? Here are some suggestions from Adams:Spread mulch. A wide, level area of mulch on the soil around a tree has many benefits. It insulates the soil against extreme temperatures. It prevents moisture from evaporating during hot weather. As the mulch decays, it enriches the soil for plants’ roots. “Just be sure it’s not too deep or heaped against the trunk,” Adams said. Spread your mulch in an even layer 3 to 4 inches deep, and right at the base of the tree, keep it 2 to 3 inches away from the bark of the trunk. “If you have a garden under your tree, those plants can share the mulch patch,” she said.Grow good companions. Trees can coexist happily with many kinds of plants. After all, they don’t grow alone in the forest. However, it’s important to choose carefully. Tree companions must be shade-tolerant species, because they will be under the tree’s branches in summer. They should be perennials or woody plants that last for years. “Long-lived plants don’t cause as much damage to the tree’s roots because you don’t have to dig all the time,” Adams said.Adams likes small shrubs, such as compact cultivated varieties of hardy hydrangea. It’s best to plant them early in the life of the tree, so you aren’t digging large holes among established tree roots.Many shade-garden perennials also work well, such as hostas, brunnera, ferns, columbine, and lungwort. “Perennials will improve the soil, because they contribute organic matter when they die back each winter,” she said. Add spring bloom with long-lived bulbs like early-flowering varieties of daffodils and shade-tolerant squill, puschkinia, snowdrops or glory-of-the-snow. Low-growing plants often used as ground covers include Canadian wild-ginger, sweet woodruff, bishop’s wort (Epimedium) and spotted dead-nettle (Lamium maculatum). Find more inspiration by visiting the Arboretum’s Ground Cover Garden (mortonarb.org/explore).Use containers for annual flowers. Impatiens and begonias are not good choices around a tree, because digging to plant these annuals in the ground every year damages the tree’s roots again and again. Instead, use these colorful flowers in containers filled with potting mix. Set the pots under the tree on plant stands or elevate them on bricks or sticks so they don’t block water and air from flowing through the soil to the tree’s roots.Give up on grass. Turf grass grows poorly under trees because it requires sun, and trees create shade. It’s also not good for the tree, because it competes too much with the tree roots. “Perennials and shrubs grow in clumps, so the tree’s roots can find a way in between them,” Adams said. “Grass roots are more like a blanket that blocks everything.” Replace grass under a tree with mulch or a perennial garden.AdvertisementAvoid edging. Let your garden or mulched area have a soft, natural boundary rather than pounding metal or plastic edging into the soil around a tree. “The edging can interfere with tree roots,” Adams said. If the roots are trapped by the edging, they start to circle inside it rather than stretching out from the tree the way they should. Over time, circling roots can begin to strangle the tree’s trunk. “Skip the edging and let your tree’s roots grow free,” she said.For tree and plant advice, contact the Plant Clinic at The Morton Arboretum (630-719-2424, mortonarb.org/plant-clinic, or plantclinic@mortonarb.org). Beth Botts is a staff writer at the Arboretum.