Browsing: Lifestyle

Dear Amy: I’m a 48-year-old woman. I’ve been told I look about 35 to 37.I take very good care of myself and dress in a youthful style.AdvertisementA while back, I met a man on a dating website who is 37.We both weren’t looking for anything serious. We live near one another.AdvertisementWe had a nice dinner, got along great and he gave me a long hug when we parted.However, once I revealed my age, he told me he is not into dating older women. Since then, we hang out twice a week, cuddling on the couch, making out and even ended up having sex.He also says my name when we’re sexual, implying our connection, which I believe is a strong one.He is very physically affectionate when we’re together. He texts me every morning when he wakes up and texts me throughout the day.We both go on dates with other people, but we both feel like it never goes anywhere because we don’t click with others.The problem is, he treats me like a girlfriend – but I’m not. Am I just being used?Is he just getting everything without the commitment?I’m not mad at him because we both agreed to be “friends with benefits,” but I thought it would be with less emotion or physical interaction on his part.AdvertisementHe went through a bad divorce a year ago and is scared to make the same mistake.I believe that deep down he wants to be with me, but is scared to admit it to me or to himself.What do you think I should do?– FWBDear FWB: You wonder if this man is using you, but … are you using him?Based on your description, couldn’t one interpretation be that you are using him as a boy-toy, while you continue to seek other men?AdvertisementUnless you two are brave enough to talk about things, you’ll be left to interpret his internal motivations.Assigning deep motivations behind behavior is how people fool themselves and relieve their partners of any responsibility to communicate. Some examples: “Deep down he wants to be with me.” “He’s scared to love me because of his bad breakup.”If you have a question about your relationship, ask him. If you have fallen for him, you should tell him.If he says, “I don’t see older women,” then this will tell you either that he can’t count, that he is basically lying to himself (because he is seeing you, you are older, and you are a woman), or – most likely – that he is happy to sleep with you but will never take you home to meet the folks.Ongoing relationships are the result of spark plus timing. If you have the spark but the timing is off (because of the age difference, or his recent breakup), then there is not much you can do about it.If you are able to enjoy this “friends with benefits” relationship, exactly as it is, then – keep going. Otherwise, keep moving.AdvertisementDear Amy: Because I contribute to several charities, I receive tons (and I mean tons) of blank note cards, birthday cards, etc.These cards are quite beautiful and I’d hate to just recycle them.Can you think of any organization that would want these cards? I am at my wits’ end. (I spent hours yesterday and today sorting them into categories, matching envelopes, etc.)– Carded OutDear Carded: Start with your local library. If they sponsor a book sale (as mine does), they can accept these pristine cards and sell them to support literacy programs in your area. Also check with local assisted living and nursing homes.Otherwise, St. Jude’s Ranch is a national charity that will accept your cards. Check stjudesranch.org and search for “recycled card program” to learn the parameters of their program and how to donate.AdvertisementI think it is also important for you to contact the charities sending these to you and ask that they stop. This is expensive and wasteful.Dear Amy: “Heartbroken Mom” wrote to you about her daughter and the daughter’s fiancé. Both of them sounded like dysfunctional “users” who expected financial support from her parents.Heartbroken reported that her other children were pressuring her to financially support their sister, otherwise she would “lose her.”Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Thank you for standing up against this kind of blackmail.If the siblings feel so strongly, perhaps they should financially support their sister.– GratefulAdvertisementDear Grateful: I wish I’d added that idea to my answer. Thank you.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

A wet spring has done more than dampen graduations and douse picnics. In yards and gardens, it is also brewing up fungal diseases.Ailments caused by fungi tend to be more common in a growing season that starts out wet, according to Sharon Yiesla, plant knowledge specialist in the Plant Clinic at The Morton Arboretum in Lisle.Advertisement“Wet weather allows fungi to grow,” she said. Every fungus reproduces from dormant reproductive bodies called spores, which can be in the soil or may be wafted through the air and land on plants. When conditions are wet in early spring, while leaf buds are opening, spores readily germinate and the fungi spread to the new, vulnerable leaves.Fungus-caused diseases such as powdery mildew are likely to be widespread this year because of the wet spring. (Beth Botts/Morton Arboretum)Wet springs can lead to many fungus-caused diseases such as verticillium wilt in maples; anthracnose in sycamores; apple scab in flowering crab apples; rust on roses; maple leaf tar spot; and powdery mildew, which affects lilacs, phlox and many other plants.Advertisement“The fungi that cause these diseases are always around in our gardens,” Yiesla said. “Even in dry years, susceptible plants may show an infection. But in years with a wet spring, the diseases become more severe and more obvious.”By late May this year, some plants were already showing leaf damage. The Plant Clinic’s advice to homeowners is simple: Don’t panic.“The majority of leaf diseases are not very damaging overall,” Yiesla said. “The plants will survive a bad year of powdery mildew or maple leaf tar spot. It’s just not nice to look at.”By the time you see evidence of an infection, it’s already too late to spray plants with a fungicide. “You need to spray plants in early spring, just when the leaf buds are opening, in order for a fungicide to have any effect on leaf diseases,” she said. “By the time the leaves have opened, a fungicide won’t work.”Some fungal diseases that develop inside the plant’s stems — such as verticillium and fusarium wilts — are not affected by fungicide sprays at all.What can you do about these diseases?Prune out diseased branches. If you see an obvious growth, such as the orange glob of rose rust, prune out that branch back to the main stem. Sterilize your pruners before you make another cut. Save one sample of an affected branch for diagnosis. Dispose of the rest in the landscape waste, not in your compost pile, so it will be removed from your property and reduce the chance of spreading the infection.Have diseases diagnosed. Take photos of the disease symptoms, such as the affected leaves or stem growths, and of the entire plant. Photograph both the top and bottom of the leaves, as well as their arrangement along a branch, to help in identification. Send your photos to the Plant Clinic for help in diagnosing the problem and deciding what to do. If you bring samples in to the clinic, seal them in a plastic zipper bag to avoid spreading the infection.AdvertisementClear away infected foliage. Good hygiene can reduce the spread of disease. When distorted or spotted leaves fall, or when you remove diseased plants, dispose of them in the landscape waste. “It isn’t always possible to remove all diseased leaves, such as those from a big maple with maple leaf tar spot,” Yiesla said. “But whatever you can do will help.”Air out your shrubs. In overgrown shrubs dense with stems, moisture lingers because air can’t circulate. To allow drying breezes to flow through an overgrown shrub, prune out one-third of the stems, choosing the oldest, thickest ones to remove.Be ready to water. Yes, water! “There will be dry periods in every summer, even in a wet year,” she said. “Drought stresses plants, and plants that are stressed have a harder time fighting off diseases. So make sure your plants’ roots have water in the soil to draw on.”Water roots, not leaves. “Getting the leaves wet can encourage fungal diseases,” she said. It’s also wasteful, since water on the leaves will simply evaporate without helping the plants. Instead, try to deliver water to the soil where plants’ roots can absorb it. Instead of using a sprinkler, you can water by hand, use soaker hoses, or water young trees with drip bags, a slowly trickling hose laid on the soil or a bucket.“The best things to do when fungal diseases are bad,” Yiesla said, “are to help your trees and plants stay basically healthy so they can survive an infection, and wait for next year.”For tree and plant advice, contact the Plant Clinic at The Morton Arboretum (630-719-2424, mortonarb.org/plant-clinic, or plantclinic@mortonarb.org). Beth Botts is a staff writer at the Arboretum.

Dear Amy: My in-laws are in town. They are staying at our apartment.Thankfully, my husband and I are able to stay at my parents’ place while my own folks are away, because our apartment is too small for four adults and three animals.AdvertisementMy mother-in-law is cleaning and doing our laundry at our place while we are at work.That’s nice, but my husband isn’t single anymore and I feel uncomfortable that she’s doing that.AdvertisementAlso, she wants to cook him a roast and potatoes for dinner. I don’t eat either of these things, so is it rude to cook my own meal?I feel a little overwhelmed by it all, but I can’t say anything because he hasn’t seen his parents in almost a year.Am I being ridiculous?– Young WifeDear Wife: Yes, you are being ridiculous. But this brand of ridiculousness is often brought on by the presence of in-laws, especially when they are staying in your home.You sleeping elsewhere is a lucky break, because your mother-in-law is trying to make herself at home – and be helpful – in your home. If you were cohabiting during this visit, your reaction about boundaries would be somewhat justified.Cleaning and cooking are how your mother-in-law is expressing her gratitude for the visit. She is trying to mother both of you, and you would be gracious to accept her efforts.If she wants to cook a special meal for her son, then embrace it. If you decide to eat a separate meal, then praise her efforts, tell her it looks delicious – but say, “Unfortunately, I don’t eat meat and potatoes, so I’m going to put together a little salad for myself. But I think it’s really sweet of you to do this, and I know your son is going to appreciate it.”AdvertisementIf later on in your relationship you find that your mother-in-law is leaping over domestic boundaries, then you should draw a firm line.Dear Amy: My stepdaughters are 17 and 22. The separation agreement (12 years ago) specified that neither spouse could malign the other, which my husband and I upheld.The girls’ mother has not necessarily abided by this agreement.Now that they are old enough, should we tell them that their mom’s affair with their stepdad is the reason for their parents’ divorce – or should we just let it ride?– Wondering StepmotherDear Stepmother: This is a situation where you need to ask yourself: What would be gained from gratuitously offering this information to your stepchildren?AdvertisementThe way you present it, your choice to disclose this seems motivated mainly by the desire to retaliate against a parent who has not abided by their agreement. But retaliation does not balance the scales. It doubles down.It also seems as if you have held it together for 12 years and in your opinion, this no-maligning agreement has expired. It should never expire.Now that your stepchildren are older, they may have already discerned the truth. Certainly if they ask you directly about the timeline of their parents’ breakup, they should be told the truth. They should also be corrected if they present information that is factually incorrect: “Actually, it did not happen that way…”Any correction and/or disclosure should be delivered by their father – not you.But the truth can be delivered without maligning the other parent.Dear Amy: I am writing to give you some feedback about your response to “Lacking in Love,” the man who wrote about his wife in her 60s who lost her sex drive.AdvertisementYour advice was generally well-founded. And your suggestion to “find ways to be physically close—without having sex” is good. But based on my 40 years of experience as a Board-Certified Sex Therapist and Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, most couples in this situation (and there are many) would have a hard time bridging this gap on their own.They could greatly benefit from seeing a couples counselor who specializes in sex therapy, and who could coach them in a number of strategies to regain some physical intimacy (with or without intercourse).Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.It can be a very delicate dance to re-establish closeness after a break, and working with a skilled therapist could make all the difference.There are several good online resources to find a sex therapist, include “Find a Therapist” directory provided by Psychology Today (psychologytoday.com).– Dr. DianaDear Dr. Diana: Thank you for lending your expertise to this challenging question.AdvertisementGot a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

“I am struggling to keep up with the weeds in my garden. Is there a difference between a weed and a garden plant?”— Benjamin Warren, Elk Grove VillageAdvertisementThe staff at the Chicago Botanic Garden is also dealing with a robust weed population this spring. As soon as they are pulled, more weeds seem to appear. Lots of rainy weather has meant little time to deal with weeds while it also promoted heavy weed growth.I define a weed as a plant that is growing where it is not wanted in the garden. Different gardeners have different ideas of what constitutes a weed. For example, violets in the lawn are considered weeds by some gardeners and nice seasonal color accents by others. Dandelions are widely recognized as weeds; however, their peak flowering time in early spring is when many bees and other pollinators emerge and use dandelion flowers as a food source.AdvertisementThere is a biological difference between a weedy plant and an invasive plant. Weedy plants readily spread, especially in disturbed areas, but generally do not pose a threat to the integrity of native plant communities. Invasive plants are usually non-native and can establish themselves within existing native plant communities.Invasive plants pose a threat to the integrity of the plant community. When invasive plants are introduced to a new location, either intentionally or accidentally, they can spread prolifically, out-compete native species for resources, and eventually even dominate the landscape. Buckthorn is an example of an invasive plant in the Chicago region that requires continual management for native communities to thrive. Buckthorn is also a common weed in home gardens, and I regularly pull it out of my garden.Goutweed is a fearsome invader in many home gardens and takes sustained management over a long period of time to control. (RJ Carlson/Chicago Botanic Garden)Some factors common to many invasive plants include rapid growth and early maturity, production of many seeds, wide dispersal of seeds by birds and wind, seeds that germinate quickly, few natural enemies and an ability to reproduce vegetatively. Use regional resources for guidance regarding invasive plants. The Chicago Botanic Garden has an invasive plant policy that can be accessed at chicagobotanic.org. The policy can provide guidance to help you avoid choosing an invasive plant for your garden. You can run across plants for sale that are considered invasive in native plant communities.Goutweed (Aegopodium podagraria) is a fearsome invader in many home gardens, and it makes me cringe when I see it. You can dig it out multiple times and it will reappear and will grow within clumps of perennials and spread to other areas when dividing and transplanting. I have sprayed patches of it in my garden with an herbicide four times last year and it is still coming back.This weed takes sustained management over a long period of time to control.Star of Bethlehem (Ornithogalum umbellatum) is another plant pest common in home gardens. The best control is to carefully dig it out, making sure you remove the bulbs underground or it will continue to grow back. The Star of Bethlehem in my garden is starting to show white flowers now. This plant has moved into my lawn too. The plant will go dormant and disappear in summer.Garlic mustard (Alliaria petiolata) is another invasive weed that is flowering now. Its leaves are rounder and form in rosettes at ground level during its first year of growth. The leaves send up a flowering stem and become more triangular and heart-shaped with toothed edges. The small white flowers have four petals.Remove flowering plants and secure in plastic trash bags to prevent any seeds from spreading. Prioritize your time to pull out flowering garlic mustard to save work in the future.AdvertisementWatch for buckthorn, mulberry and boxelder tree seedlings in your borders as they are easy to pull out when they are seedlings. One of the best times to weed is when the ground is moist to get more of the roots out.For more plant advice, contact the Plant Information Service at the Chicago Botanic Garden at plantinfo@chicagobotanic.org. Tim Johnson is senior director of horticulture at the Chicago Botanic Garden.

Dear Amy: “Mary” and I were acquaintances in college. We didn’t talk for years after graduating but would see each other sometimes at bars and say hello.In 2020, she decided that she wanted to develop a friendship with me.AdvertisementI quickly realized how unstable she is. She goes through cycles of sleeping with new people, posting them all over social media, the relationship ends, then she starts up with someone new.She has also behaved unethically in her profession.AdvertisementAlmost every weekend now, Mary asks me to go out drinking.I never message her first. I’ve been making up excuses because I don’t feel comfortable telling her that I find her actions problematic.In between texts asking to hang out, she would tell me how good of a friend I am and how much she cares about me.Amy, I would see this person once every few months.Last weekend, I finally left her text as having been “read” but I haven’t answered. Just now, I just got a text from her telling me she misses me.I’m scared to tell her that I don’t want to be her friend.I don’t know how she’d react, and there’s a good chance I would see her around my small city.Should I continue not to respond to her and hope she finally gets the hint?Advertisement– No ChaosDear No Chaos: If you are genuinely afraid of “Mary’s” reaction to any statement from you, then yes – I’d suggest a continued light ghosting. She will text you, you will read her texts, but you won’t respond unless you feel the need to answer a question. (For instance, if she asks you to meet her at a bar at a certain time, you should respond: “Sorry – I can’t make it. Hope you have a good time.”)If things come to a head and you feel boxed into a corner, then keep your statement simple: “I don’t party like I used to, but I’m sure I’ll see you around town at some point. Take good care of yourself.”Dear Amy: I recently visited my mother-in-law in her home.It was a nice and cordial visit except that I think she called me a liar without so much as saying those words.I was in her kitchen cooking a meal for her and other family members when she stated: “Do you know how the silverware got mixed up in the drawers? Not that I care, but I was just wondering.”AdvertisementI told her: “No, I’m not aware of how that happened.”Then she said, “Well, if you didn’t do it, I wonder who did? I know that ‘Susan’ (her daughter who had visited the previous month) didn’t do it.”I just let the subject drop, but then started thinking: Did she just accuse me of lying?Am I making too much of this? I don’t want to bring this matter up with my husband (her son), but it is certainly bothering me.– Mixed-up Drawer in MichiganDear Mixed-up: You may have heard of the “non-denial denial,” brought into popular culture during the Watergate era. This refers to denying an accusation without actually or specifically denying it: (“That doesn’t sound like something I would do…”)AdvertisementYour mother-in-law’s comment falls into a classic mother-in-law category: The non-accusation accusation.Of course this bothers you!And yes, you should do your best to drop it.Dear Amy: May I weigh in on the question from “Bay Area Stepmom Cook” the woman who refused to leave onions out of food, even though her son-in-law had an aversion to onions?I am a retired professional chef.Cooking is the art of making food delicious to other people. A true artist (and mature human being) rises to meet challenges with zest.AdvertisementMany people have potentially lethal allergies, religious taboos, health concerns or simple aversions and preferences that should be respected.The artist in the kitchen – and the generous host – will encounter ingredient changes with the joy of triumphing via creativity.There is a proverb, “A guest is the jewel on the cushion of hospitality.”It is also an unappetizing idea to start an ego war in your family.Bon Appetit!Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.- Mary Birnbaum, BostonAdvertisementDear Mary: This question continues to receive a robust (zestful?) response.This speaks to the importance all of us attach not only to food and nutrition, but to notions of hospitality and generosity.Thank you so much for your sensitive and wise response.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Nubia Ptah knew the person lying on the colorful rug wasn’t really shot. She knew the T-shirt tourniquet being tied wasn’t really necessary, and that the various invisible wounds weren’t real.But for Ptah, just watching a person pretend to be riddled with bullets at a first-responder training last week at the Chicago Torture Justice Center was unnerving.Advertisement“I literally thought I was going to see blood,” she said after she saw the fake shooting victims get up from the floor. “I think it’s because we know somebody who knows somebody who was shot.”Ptah is not a first responder. Instead, she and roughly a dozen others were learning how to respond and give aid to a person who suffers a gunshot wound in real-time situations. They learned how everyday items, such as an empty potato chip or zip-lock bags, can be used in the absence of first-aid kit supplies in an emergency.AdvertisementAs the gun control debate rages on in the wake of recent mass shootings, including this week’s rampage at a Tulsa medical office and last month’s shootings at an elementary school in Uvalde, Texas, and a grocery store in Buffalo, New York, local community organizers are working in the reality of living with everyday gun violence.With the official start of summer only weeks away, grassroots organizations are gearing up to host activities in 24 city neighborhoods that experience high levels of gun violence. Martine Caverl, a registered nurse, is continuing to give a series of first-responder trainings on Chicago’s South and West sides. She dreads the summer given the violence that it usually brings.“At this time, Black people in Chicago are feeling a lot of hopelessness,” said Caverl, executive director and co-founder of Ujimaa Medics, which organized the May 25 training. “We want to believe in each other … We want to build that sense of collective work and responsibility in our communities.”Caverl and her team of trained volunteers have taken their mission to protect Black lives through emergency and community care first response skills thanks to an $8,400 grant provided by Partnership for Safe and Peaceful Communities.The nonprofit is a coalition of more than 50 local foundations and funders and has provided $1.5 million this year to grassroots organizations like Caverl’s.During the two-hour workshop last week, participants learned skills like how to handle a 911 call, how to apply a tourniquet with clothing or use an occlusive dressing to keep blood in a shooting victim’s body with everyday items like a discarded plastic grocery bag or clean sanitary pad.The participants learn about scene safety and how to cope with bystanders, how to ask for consent to give aid, and other universal precautions.In a city often rocked by daily shootings, the workshops are not only potentially lifesaving, but also community building, Caverl said. The trainings have been taught in living rooms, at backyard barbecues, in barbershops and schools.Advertisement“What does it mean when Black people are relying on each other for that help, that assistance, that community, for that helping hand?” she said.Nubia Ptah lies on the ground while Jasmine, 19, ties a scarf around her leg as they practice a gunshot wound treatment scenario during an Ujimaa Medics workshop at the Chicago Torture Justice Center. (Armando L. Sanchez / Chicago Tribune)In 2020, guns became the leading cause of death among children and teens in the United States, according to a Johns Hopkins review of the country’s gun deaths last year. More than 4,300 died of firearm-related injuries that year, a 29% increase from 2019, according to a recent research letter published in the New England Journal of Medicine, which analyzed decades of mortality data from the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.During the workshop, Caverl and her team would ask the volunteers if they were OK after each shooting scenario. The volunteers would respond affirmatively, but they also had the opportunity to talk with others on-site willing to listen or take a moment to regroup outside of the space.After the training concluded, Ptah told Caverl the event was “awesome.” She said the most important thing for her was them asking about individual volunteers’ wellness and frame of mind after volunteering for each scenario.“It kept me present when they asked if I was OK. It secured my sanity,” she said.Caverl’s response: “That’s what we need.”AdvertisementMore than 200 local grassroots organizations received PSPC grants, including Wild Yams and The cre.æ.tive Room, which each received $5,000. The groups focus on Black mothers and creativity through artist residencies.Wisdom Baty, founder of Wild Yams, and Clemenstien Love, founder of The cre.æ.tive Room, said the money will be used to conduct nine community events, including gardening classes and mural activations in the Greater Grand Crossing and South Shore areas. The collaborative art projects will emphasize the importance of Black joy, beauty and safe spaces.Clemenstien Love, The cre.æ.tive Room founder and art/design director, and Wisdom Baty, creative director and founder of Wild Yams, received $5,000 from the Partnership for Safe and Peaceful Communities for art projects that emphasize the importance of Black joy, safe spaces and supporting Black women in their creativity. (Clemenstien Love, Wisdom Baty)“What we need is joy,” Baty said. “I’m a strong advocate for less policing, more joy, more employment. We will be activating communities and neighbors … We also need the visual aid to think positively of ourselves. That’s the catalyst work that we see ourselves thinking through this summer.”Kokugonza Kaijage practices putting a tourniquet on a leg while attending an Ujimaa Medics gunshot wound first response workshop. (Armando L. Sanchez / Chicago Tribune)“We hope to create in the space of the training some kind of transformation in healing and sense of empowerment — a sense that there’s something that we can do to improve the life within our communities,” Caverl said.That’s why Ujimaa Medics isn’t limited to gunshot wound training. It also conducts workshops on seizures and asthma community care and they’re continuously developing curriculum to address community needs, Caverl said.“The idea is how do we achieve self-determination as it relates to our health? How do we transform our communities in such a way that we feel responsible for one another? There’s a method in which we can exercise that,” she said.AdvertisementSymphony Fletcher, a second-year University of Chicago medical student, reached out to volunteer with Ujimaa Medics because she wanted to know what else she can do outside of the emergency department to help those in her community. She’s been volunteering for the past year and calls it “life sustaining.”“I know at least if a gentleman had gotten shot and I wasn’t there, and a trained professional wasn’t there, then their community has them,” she said. “At the end of the day, if we’re being real, it’s our communities that is going to have our backs more than any system or institution.”Check Ujimaa Medics social media for upcoming summer workshops. Applications for the Wild Yams at The cre.æ.tive Room Black Mothers Artist Summer Residency Program closes June 10.drockett@chicagotribune.com

Dear Amy: My best friend recently attended her professional association’s top producers’ banquet.“Brian,” a very successful man from another firm, groped her bottom two times at the event.AdvertisementNo one else saw.She let the first incident pass because they were in a group setting, and she didn’t know how to respond.AdvertisementThen he grabbed her again. She stormed away and avoided him for the rest of the event.The next day she told an associate who confronted Brian.On the phone, Brian told the associate that my friend was flirting with him.The next day she received a text from Brian: “Call me so I can apologize about yesterday.” She felt humiliated by chasing him down for an apology, so she never called.Three weeks have now passed, but the humiliation is still festering in her mind.I told her it wasn’t too late to ask for an apology in a three-way call with her associate and Brian, where he would have to fess up to his actions instead of blaming her.I also told her to report Brian to the association and ask for him to be barred from next year’s event.These people are all real estate agents.AdvertisementShe’s obviously hesitant to inconvenience people and make the wrong type of name for herself.– Outraged BestieDear Outraged: I disagree with your idea that this should be handled casually on a three-way call.If your friend asked me, I’d advise her to write an account of exactly what happened and send it directly to the association’s head office, naming “Brian,” reporting that he has admitted this behavior to another associate, and asking that appropriate actions be taken.Real estate agents meet clients alone in empty houses. A person who would grope an associate during a crowded industry event should not be trusted to meet with clients.Women realtors are especially vulnerable, and if your friend reported this and demanded action, the “name she would make for herself” would be of someone who is appropriately concerned about her safety, as well as the well-being of other women who might have the bad luck of crossing paths with this creep.AdvertisementDear Amy: Is it ever OK to require a preschool child to finish everything on their plate, when the portions were pre-selected by someone else?I don’t want to give too many details, as this is a sensitive family issue.I’ve brought it to the attention of the perpetrators – gently I hope – and things seemed better for a while.But now it has reverted to, “There’s one more bite here on your plate, and then you can have_____.”The child is a good eater otherwise, likes healthy foods, and is currently of average weight and in good health.It concerns me that this controlling behavior has continued, because I’m afraid the child will develop eating disorders, weight problems, bad associations with food and mealtime, or even behavioral problems.AdvertisementDo you have any suggestions?– Stomach in KnotsDear Knots: If the child’s parents are the “perpetrators” pushing food, then my main suggestion is that you should understand that they are the child’s parents and they have the right to handle mealtimes the way they think is best.If you are the child’s parent and the grandparents or other occasional caregivers are doing this, then you have the right to insist that they stop.I agree that this way of treating mealtime takes away a child’s agency; the parental hovering and hoovering can also be hard for others to witness.However, no, I do not believe this kind of prompting will necessarily lead to an eating disorder, a bad relationship to food, or a life of crime.AdvertisementI also believe that most parents stop this behavior once a child enters pre-school and finds effective ways to push back.Mainly – while you are accusing these parents of controlling behavior, you are trying mightily to control them.I hope that once you see the irony here, you will back off.Dear Amy: Like you, we were appalled by the question from “Perplexed Partner!” regarding giving Hitler memorabilia as a gift.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.There is a scenario however, beside education, that would justify the purchase. We know a collector of Hitler memorabilia. He’s Jewish and his collection is driven by the premise that “Hitler should plotz (drop dead) knowing that his stuff is in a Jewish home.”Not our thing, but we understand his attitude.Advertisement– BarbDear Barb: “Hitler should plotz” is a notion I can get behind.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Dear Amy: Many years ago, I was married to “Annie” for about 10 years. Our divorce was amicable, and since we had no children, we have not had any contact since our divorce.A couple of years after my divorce I met and married “Bea.” We’ve now been married for over 30 years.AdvertisementI have an album of photographs. This album consists of childhood photos, photos of my parents, siblings, and me through high school and college. The album includes three photos of Annie – nothing suggestive or racy – these are just reminders of the good times from my youth.Bea strenuously objects to me keeping the photos of Annie and wants me to destroy them, while I think that they are harmless souvenirs of my life, and that destroying them is an irrational attempt to erase the past.AdvertisementAm I nuts?– CharlieDear Charlie: You sound like a perfectly normal person with a perfectly normal past.I have a knee-jerk and negative reaction to the idea of destroying photos. As we move into an almost thoroughly digital age, these material objects are visceral reminders that we exist in the world, in many splendidly awkward settings and posed alongside people we no longer know. And yet – there we are!At the risk of angering your wife, it would be thoughtful for you to scan or copy these photos and send copies to “Annie.” (Do not post them on social media.) I would think that anyone would enjoy a tangible reminder of their much-younger self.It might help you to lean in toward your wife’s reaction if you understand that behind her anger might be regret that she wasn’t ever young alongside you.Because you two met later, she missed a period sharing your life that might always be a source of some sadness and regret for her.Meet her with affection and understanding for the youthful period you didn’t get to share, but gratitude for the adulthood you’ve been granted together.AdvertisementDear Amy: When I am sad, especially about a situation relating to my boyfriend (but also when I’m just stressed out), I tend to cry.I try to explain to my boyfriend what’s wrong, and he does not comfort me.He doesn’t put his arm around me, he doesn’t say he understands what I’m saying, he just watches and listens from the other side of the room.This makes me feel lonely, sad, and embarrassed. I end up trying to explain again why I’m upset, in a desperate attempt to get comfort. It never works.I talk myself in circles, and he watches, sometimes saying that he’s sorry I’m sad.When he leaves, and I’m by myself, I recover because I’m no longer upset by the lack of comfort. When I’m alone I can make myself feel better.AdvertisementWhat should I do?On several occasions I’ve said, “You should go, I’m sad and it isn’t helping me to feel better to have you watch me cry,” but then he stays anyway.Should I leave the room? I don’t want to act angry, but it’s hard to be physically with someone and yet feel so alone.– Alone TogetherDear Alone Together: The best time to discuss your boyfriend’s reaction to your strong emotions is when you aren’t experiencing such strong emotions.As it is, when the tears are flowing, you are conveying that your boyfriend’s actions have made you cry. He may conclude that if his behavior has made you cry, then he should respond by retreating.AdvertisementTalk about this during a calm moment. Tell him, “When I’m upset, I have a much easier time if you will sit near me, hold my hand, put your arm around me, and comfort me.”You should also ask him how he feels when you are in tears. He may tell you that he feels confused, bewildered, hopeless or manipulated.Obviously, you should also examine what about this relationship is bringing on these storms, and whether experiencing this sort of emotional imbalance is healthy for you.Dear Amy: Your answer to “Upset Dad” was astoundingly, bewilderingly wrong.“Dad” mentions that his brothers are childless, as though this justifies his expectation that they should step in to provide regular free childcare.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Other peoples worlds do not revolve around one’s children!Advertisement– Disappointed in YOUDear Disappointed: “Upset Dad’s” son has special needs. According to his question, his brothers seemed unsure of how to be good uncles to their nephew.He was appealing to his brothers not for childcare, but for connection.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Dear Amy: My spouse and I recently went to Egypt and Greece. Three days before we were to return home, we conducted COVID-19 self-tests, because he had some sniffles.He tested positive. I did not. We were faced with a choice, either I rebook quickly and return home the next day (in case I should also become positive in the following day or so), or I stay and risk getting infected.AdvertisementOutside of the sniffles, he had no symptoms.We also have a dog who had already been boarded for 15 days and if we both had to stay in Greece it would have likely added five to 10 days to him being stuck in a kennel.AdvertisementWe decided that I should return home, which I did.He only stayed a few more days, and returned home as soon as he tested negative.Now, I am getting grief: “You deserted me in Greece!”Should I have stayed?– Accused of DesertionDear Accused: This question brings up an important topic that all traveling families should discuss and consider before they leave home: “What should we do if COVID hits one or more of us while we’re away?”I hope that you and your spouse will go a little easy on yourselves; the fact that you are bringing this topic into other households through your question might help others to arrive at their own workable strategy.Understanding that self-tests are fallible, you decided to lessen your possible exposure by leaving quickly.AdvertisementYou state: “We decided that I should return home.” If that is true, then your spouse agreed that you should depart the region, rather than both of you being stuck there for an indeterminate period of time.If he gives you “grief” about this by repeating his claim, you should take him seriously and ask him, “Do you truly feel I deserted you?”He may have been surprised by his own anxieties surfacing after you had left, and if so – you should encourage him to talk about it.After talking earnestly about this, you should then ask him if he considers the matter settled. If not, talk some more.If he does accept the way this challenging situation was handled by both of you – then ask him to frame this not as a “desertion,” but a “decision.”Dear Amy: I’m engaged to a wonderful guy – he’s kind, smart, and my best friend. I truly couldn’t ask for a better partner! We’re planning to get married next spring.AdvertisementMy mother disapproves, and it is breaking my heart.She says he’s a great man, but she doesn’t approve of our relationship. She always had a certain idea of what kind of man I’d end up with, and he doesn’t fit her mold. I know there’s no changing her mind.She and I recently had a heart-to-heart talk and she asked if I was still planning on going through with marrying him. I asked her if she’d be at the wedding. She said that if I’m marrying him, she’s not sure.Amy, I want my mom to be there more than anything. She’s the only one who raised me, and I love her.Thankfully, her answer isn’t a direct no, but I’m so worried.I’m trying to not focus too much on her choice right now, but I’m very worried and upset. How can I prepare myself for the worst?Advertisement– Dejected DaughterDear Dejected: Now that you and your mother have discussed this, and she has made her views clear, you should not bring it up again.You and your guy should continue with your plans and trust her to make up her mind in her own way and time.Respect her, love her, and listen to her. But unless she raises legitimate issues regarding your marriage, don’t let her control you. The more you worry about her choice, the tighter her control.“He doesn’t fit my mold” is not a legitimate reason to oppose a marriage.She may be struggling to let you go; this is not something you can necessarily help her with.AdvertisementAsk AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Dear Amy: The question from “Concerned Mother” worried me. Her daughter abruptly quit her job and moved back home.You focused on the fact that she isn’t working. It seems obvious to me that this woman is depressed!– ConcernedDear Concerned: Yes, it is possible that this young-adult is depressed. In my response, I wrote: “Does she need counseling? Help her to find it.”Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Advertisement©2021 Amy Dickinson.

ExpandAutoplayImage 1 of 25Dried and preserved flowers make up United Kingdom artist Rebecca Louise Law’s “Herbarium” at the Chicago Botanic Garden on May 26, 2022, in Glencoe. The Garden is celebrating its 50th anniversary with “Flourish: The Garden at 50.” (Erin Hooley / Chicago Tribune)