Browsing: Lifestyle

Dear Amy: About 10 years ago, I very briefly dated someone who was 15 years younger than me — I was 38 and he was 23.He pursued me. The age difference bothered me from the beginning, and I told him repeatedly that I didn’t want to date because of it. I was also dealing with suicidal depression, was unable to work, and didn’t want to date anyone.AdvertisementHe persisted for months and eventually wore me down (he texted and called daily, showed up at my house uninvited, and made his case through mutual friends. He even had his parents call me to tell me that they approved).We dated for about two months. We had nothing in common. He and his friends were heavy drinkers and drug users, and my depression worsened.AdvertisementUltimately, I ended it (kindly). It shouldn’t have been a surprise to him. The entire time we dated, I told him – and all my friends and family – that I was uncomfortable with the age difference and with dating anyone at that time.My health improved and I moved about 1,000 miles away. We haven’t been in touch for 10 years.Recently, he contacted me on social media and said his therapist is suggesting there had been an inappropriate power imbalance because of the age difference and that he had been unable to consent – all very #metoo ideas.I haven’t responded. I am alarmed because, well, it’s not accurate.I work in the media now and am a little worried about being canceled. But I’m more concerned that he feels this way.Should I respond?– WorriedDear Worried: No, you should not respond. Taking at face value the details as you describe them, being in touch with this man would be like pressing “go” for a person who previously violated reasonable boundaries, engaged in behavior that sounds like stalking, and who seems capable of overall relentlessness.AdvertisementYou state that you were not working at the time of your brief relationship, so I conclude that you were not his superior at work. He was 23-years-old – over the age of consent. The 15-year-age difference between you two is immaterial.It seems reasonable for a therapist to suggest that there was a power imbalance between you two, because many failed relationships are the result of a power imbalance.Don’t read any #metoo allegations into this unless he explicitly makes them, and don’t apologize for participating in a very brief relationship that you broke off.Preserve and print out any communication between you two.Most of us have regrets from choices we made in our early 20s. You can hope that his therapy leads to insight instead of allegations.Dear Amy: What should I do for an alcoholic friend who will not go to treatment because she has been there before and they just preach religion?AdvertisementShe is not religious at all.Are there any resources for alcoholics that don’t preach religion?– Trying to HelpDear Trying: As world-changing as the “12-step” model pioneered by Alcoholics Anonymous has been, some people are turned off by references to God, or “a higher power.”Many programs inspired by the success of AA have adopted some of these basic truths and techniques, but have removed any religious references.Aaagnostica.org is an extremely helpful resource for anyone looking for a non-religious recovery program. The site features a comprehensive list of books, blogs, essays, and a database of secular recovery programs – all pointed toward people like your friend.AdvertisementEspecially helpful is their “collection of alternative 12-steps,” which offers secular interpretations of AA’s 12-steps.Your friend might be using her resistance to religion as a reason to avoid any recovery program, but you could certainly help her by pointing her toward the many secular options available.Dear Amy: “Wondering” wrote to you with a question regarding whether she should tell her now adult children about their half-brother (who was adopted out as a baby).Yes she should!I have known that I was adopted since I was 10. I am now 71 and have been in contact with my 11 half-siblings (both paternal and maternal) for some years.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.I found some through persistent research to determine who my birth-mother was, and some through DNA analysis, which gave me my birth-father.AdvertisementAs you said, this will come out sooner or later, and if she talks about it now, she will control the narrative.– AdopteeDear Adoptee: Thank you for providing your important perspective. I hope that adoptive parents follow your advice.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Less than a half-hour west of Lambeau Field, where the Green Bay Packers play, Charlie Nagreen’s name is equally well known as those of legends like Vince Lombardi, Bart Starr and Brett Favre.In downtown Seymour, a 14-foot statue of Nagreen towers above Depot Street. But that’s not a football he’s holding in his left hand — it’s a hamburger. By most accounts, Nagreen made his mark on history as the first person to sell a simple sandwich of a ground beef patty, onions and pickle between two slices of bread.Advertisement“Hamburger Charlie” Nagreen is immortalized in a 14-foot statue prominently displayed along Depot Street in Seymour, Wisconsin, about 20 miles west of Green Bay. (Seymour Community Historical Society)These days, according to the U.S. Department of Agriculture, Americans eat about 50 billion burgers each year. And while warmer weather has home chefs firing up their grills for Memorial Day weekend, few know the humble hamburger’s origins are right here in the Midwest.In the summer of 1885, Charlie Nagreen was just 15 years old when he drove his ox cart 24 miles — from Hortonville to Seymour — to erect a wooden stand at the Outagamie County Fair. From that stall, he intended to sell meatballs on sticks to fairgoers. But the meatballs weren’t selling very well; people said they were too difficult to eat on the go. The youthful entrepreneur then decided to smash the meatballs into patties and add bread, making them much more convenient to munch on while moving from exhibit to exhibit.AdvertisementThe hamburger was born.“There’s no need to search, there’s no need to roam. You’re in Seymour. It’s the hamburger’s home,” Bill Collar, president of the Seymour Community Historical Society, says with pride. A trip to Seymour, about four hours north of Chicago, offers visitors an intriguing museum, much of it devoted to hamburgers. Top that off with Burger Fest each August, plus several taverns at which to enjoy a beer and a burger, and you’ve got a perfect summer escape.“Hamburger Charlie” Nagreen first sold hamburgers at the Outagamie County Fair in Seymour, Wisconsin, in 1885. He continued the tradition for 66 years. (Seymour Community Historical Society)Seymour isn’t the only town that lays claim to inventing the hamburger. But history favors the Wisconsin burg, since it’s well documented that Nagreen, who was known for decades as “Hamburger Charlie,” sold his first burgers in 1885, at least a few years before they appeared elsewhere.Dressed in a white shirt, pants, apron and hat, with red suspenders and tie, Charlie was a popular fixture at county fairs in northeast Wisconsin. He peddled his burgers in Seymour for 66 years, until 1950, the summer before he died.For years, locals including Collar have donned the same outfit to mingle with visitors to this town of 3,200 and recite Nagreen’s famous chant.“Hamburger, hamburger, hamburger hot. With an onion in the middle and a pickle on top. Makes your lips go flippity-flop. Come on over, try an order. Fried in butter, listen to it sputter,” he would begin, then add, “It’s a big pat of beef packed in a bun. And you can eat it on the run.”Guests to the Seymour Community Museum (133 Depot St., Seymour; 920-833-9835; seymourhistory.org) are often greeted by Collar, who’s only too happy to share the history of the hamburger, from its 19th century roots to modern-day kitsch.Bill Collar needs both hands to hold one whopper of a hamburger. Carved from wood and hand-painted, the giant burger is on display in the community museum in Seymour, Wisconsin, dubbed the home of the hamburger. (Jay Jones/for the Chicago Tribune)AdvertisementMuseum-goers find themselves surrounded by glass cases full of Nagreen artifacts, and hamburger memorabilia from the collection of Jeffrey Tennyson, an artist and author of “Hamburger Heaven: The Illustrated History of the Hamburger.”“Never mind apple pie. Forget about hot dogs,” he wrote in the preface to his book. “The hamburger is our all-time favorite food.”When Tennyson died in 2006, he left his collection to the Seymour museum. As The New York Times noted, it included “hamburger juggling sets, hamburger teapots, hamburger cookie jars and hamburger salt-and-pepper shakers, along with the predictable posters and photographs of hamburgers.” Roughly 500 to 600 of his nearly 2,000 mementos are on display at any given time.The list of items goes on and on. There’s a hamburger-shaped, push-button telephone — “it actually works,” Collar notes — and a local craftsman’s gift to the museum: a hand-sculpted wooden whopper of a cheeseburger. Nearly a foot in diameter, it’s replete with lettuce, tomato and mayo, all realistically carved and painted.AdvertisementHalf a block from the museum is the statue of Hamburger Charlie. Just across the street, topped with a giant burger, is the actual grill used to cook the world’s largest hamburger at the 2001 Burger Fest. Rectangular in shape, it weighs 8,266 pounds.A 2007 proclamation from the Wisconsin legislature deemed Seymour the “original home of the hamburger.” One year earlier, the town pleaded its case in a mock trial destined to determine which American community deserved those bragging rights.Seymour, Wisconsin, proudly proclaims itself as the “Home of the Hamburger,” The small town about a half-hour drive from Green Bay is where the first hamburgers were sold at a county fair in 1885. (Jay Jones/for the Chicago Tribune)The trial was held on the infield of a minor-league baseball park in Akron, Ohio, one of the cities claiming it had invented the hamburger. New Haven, Connecticut; Athens, Texas; and, of course, Seymour presented evidence before a retired judge and a mock jury.“They deliberated for about 20 or 30 minutes and it was a hung jury. They could not make a decision,” says Collar, who appeared at the trial dressed as Hamburger Charlie.“They decided to turn it over to the Internet and have a vote,” he continues. “Seymour won the vote overwhelmingly.”While the museum is open Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays from Memorial Day to Labor Day (and other times by appointment), Seymour really sizzles during Burger Fest (920-833-6688; homeofthehamburger.org) each summer. All the fixings will beckon Aug. 12-14, with activities including a hot-air balloon launch, a 5K “bun run,” a big parade and — what else? — a burger-eating contest. In an ode to a popular condiment, guests can also test their athletic skills on the “ketchup slide,” a long sheet of plastic coated with a mixture of ketchup and water.Advertisement“The current record is (a slide of) 220 feet,” Collar says.The local historian also pointed out that, for the festival, the “authentic Charlie hamburger,” prepared simply with onions and pickle, is served.That Charlie Burger is on the menu year-round at Foreman’s Bar and Grill (239 N. Main St., Seymour; 920-504-4080). However, in an ode to one of Wisconsin’s best-known products, a slice of American cheese is added. It’s served with a side of fries for $10. Collar says in 1855, Nagreen sold his burger for 10 cents, but without the fries.Between bites at Foreman’s, Collar continues to recite more of what he calls “all kinds of evidence” that Seymour is justifiably number one in hamburgers, making it unlikely anywhere else will be stealing the burger king’s crown.To make an appointment to visit the museum, call Bill Collar at 920-833-6064. While admission is free, a donation of $5 per family is encouraged.Jay Jones is a freelance writer.

Dear Amy: My sister-in-law recently died of Alzheimer’s, and her celebration of life is coming up.I am an older man. When I was a youth, I had to reside with her and my brother for the summer. My mother was institutionalized due to mental illness; my father had abandoned the family.AdvertisementAt the time I was living with the two of them, I was 15.My brother’s house was small. I slept in the small living room on the couch.AdvertisementMy brother was an alcoholic and he would go to sleep early every night. My sister-in-law (then 25 years old) would stay up late and talk to me.She was very lonely and disappointed that my brother was always emotionally missing in action for her.We grew close, and eventually a sexual relationship developed.I went to a military school to escape the household, as I was afraid my brother would find out.Now there is to be a celebration of life for her and I, along with many others, have been invited to share anecdotes about her life.I have decided to tell the truth at the ceremony about what happened to me, but my wife is totally opposed to it.She refuses to accompany me, saying that to tell now will cause a major disturbance within the remaining family and that no one will believe me or ever speak to me again.What should I do?Advertisement– TornDear Torn: I can tell by your narrative how trapped you were in this situation, and my heart breaks that you were exploited in this way. Your late sister-in-law’s actions amount to sexual exploitation of a minor who had nowhere else to turn, and no one to protect him.If you want to tell your story, then you should tell it. However – disclosing this publicly at a funeral is not the place to tell it.Understand that this story will likely completely blindside others in attendance. They will not know how to react, and – generally when people don’t know how to react, they don’t react particularly well.Unfortunately, your wife could be right about how your family members will take this. I wish that she were more supportive regarding your need to deal with this honestly and openly.It would be wisest for you to seek counseling before confronting this issue with family members.AdvertisementAn estimated 1 in 6 men have experienced what the organization “1in6″ defines as “unwanted sexual experiences.” Their website is informative, helpful and supportive. Check 1in6.org for more.Dear Amy: My neighbors and I both have daughters who go to an outdoor pool for their swim team three times a week.My wife and I are the only people who drive the girls to and from their activities.It has been this way for months.We asked the other parents (our neighbors) to help with the pickup, but they refused – saying that it interferes with their evening routines such as making dinner.Yesterday I had to work late, and I asked if they could do carpool just once – but they said they were busy cooking dinner and couldn’t pick up the girls.AdvertisementI cook dinner for my daughters, too, but I still always find time to drive the girls to and from their activities.How do I respond to this?– Swim ParentDear Parent: It might be tempting to simply leave the neighbors’ daughter at home or at the pool one day in order to try to teach them all a lesson, but then you would be punishing the daughter for having thoughtless and unhelpful parents.I think you should see this through to a terminus – either a holiday break or the end of the season. And then find another nearby family who will actually carpool to the pool.If the neighbors approach you to ask about driving, tell them, “I’m looking for someone to actually share the driving with me. Let me know what days you’re willing to do that.”AdvertisementAsk AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Dear Amy: I’ve just read “Been There,” about letting your pet go.In a few hours a vet is coming to our home to put down our 14-year-old Boston Terrier. There are not enough words in the English language for how much I love this dog, but she’s reached the end of her natural lifespan; it’s time. Releasing them when they’re no longer enjoying their life is the only loving, humane choice, as difficult as it is.– Letting GoDear Letting Go: RIP to a very good pal.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Advertisement©2021 Amy Dickinson.

For 25 years, the Leon family’s mariachi music has enlivened thousands of family reunions, community events and festivals in the Pilsen neighborhood. It is part of the Mexican cultural heritage that adorns the Lower West Side of Chicago and has attracted people from all over the city.But the Leon family members risked losing their longtime connection to Pilsen in 2018, when they lost their home, a small two-bedroom apartment fit for their budget. Karen and Enrique Leon, and their three adult children were told that they could no longer rent there.Advertisement“What we saw happened to many other families in Pilsen was happening to us,” said Karen Leon, adding that the community helped grow her family’s livelihood after arriving in Chicago in the late ‘90s from Estado de Mexico, Mexico.Karen Leon, right, enters a communal garden at her home in the Pilsen neighborhood on May 20, 2022. (John J. Kim / Chicago Tribune)Over the last two decades, thousands of residents have left the predominantly Mexican immigrant neighborhood due to the rising cost of rent, a result of higher property taxes and new developments.Advertisement“We had to find a new place to live, but we couldn’t afford anything (comfortable) for our family in the area anymore,” said Leon, who added that medical bills for one of their children and college costs for the other two increased their financial struggle. Determined to stay in the area though, the family of five secured a one-bedroom apartment for about a year.Then in February 2020, just before the COVID-19 pandemic hit Chicago, the Leon family became one of the first six families to become homeowners of an apartment complex bought under the Pilsen Housing Cooperative, the neighborhood’s first and only limited-equity, scattered-site housing cooperative for longtime residents of Pilsen.“I couldn’t believe it,” said Leon, who became a shareholder. “Not only can we afford it, but we are saving this money instead of giving it away in rent. It has given us peace of mind and the opportunity to focus on our family and allow our children to grow.”Leon came across the co-op while searching online for affordable apartments in Pilsen. She reached out and was told that families needed only a downpayment and that if they didn’t have it, the co-op could help them raise the funds. The collective purchase under the cooperative also meant that all the money payed into the mortgage for their share — including the downpayment — would be theirs upon the sale of their unit.Steve Miller decided to sell the Wolcott building to the cooperative because he wanted his building of 20 years to remain in the hands of the community. (John J. Kim / Chicago Tribune)Leon and her husband only dreamed of becoming homeowners. Though their mariachi band, Mariachi Mexico Vivo, has become a local favorite, their income is often in flux, and saving up had been difficult, she said.“The cooperative has been a blessing,” she said.The co-op, which aims to challenge gentrification, was born out of a conversation among residents and creatives one evening while they were sipping homemade apple cider wine at muralist Hector Duarte’s Pilsen studio nearly five years ago. As of February, the cooperative now owns two buildings and will be home to a total of 12 families. A third six-unit building is under contract.For Linda Lutton, Duarte’s wife, and a resident in the area for nearly 30 years, helping to erect the project became something personal after seeing her neighbors forced out of their homes and unable to afford rent after their landlords sold their buildings to developers.Advertisement“It was heartbreaking,” said Lutton, a Chicago journalist who is on sabbatical from her job as an education reporter at WBEZ. Lutton served as a researcher for the cooperative and is working as project manager, hoping to expand the co-op thanks to a $30,000 grant from the Field Foundation.To get started, the Pilsen co-op sought guidance from the Logan Square Cooperative and other sources, including the University of Chicago Law School’s Housing Initiative Clinic.The first building, where the Leon family lives on Wolcott Avenue, is near Harrison Park and the National Museum of Mexican Art. The second six-unit building, located on Morgan Street, just a few blocks from the first, was obtained in February. Co-op member families will start moving into the Morgan Street building in July.Steve Miller, who is a co-op member, decided to sell the Wolcott Avenue building to the cooperative because he wanted his building of 20 years to remain in the hands of the community, he said.Jonah Bondurant and his wife, Raquel Garcia, with their 14-year-old daughter, Sofia, stand in their home’s communal garden with their dog, Annie, at the Pilsen Housing Cooperative building on Wolcott Avenue. (John J. Kim / Chicago Tribune)Aside from some small fundraisers and donations from several other nonprofit organizations, the purchases have been made without public funding, according to Lutton. Collectively, the members must raise 10% of the total project cost. Down payments vary by unit owner.The Wolcott Avenue building costs totaled $727,630, minus $6,000 in subsidies from a community fundraiser, which made the average cost per unit $120,272, according to project data from Lutton. The Morgan Street building totaled a little over $1 million with $240,380 in subsidies, which kept the average cost per unit at $130,000. A downpayment of $5,000 is listed for a $120,406 one-bedroom unit in the Morgan Street building on the co-op’s website.AdvertisementMembers must live in the building and cannot rent their unit. When selling, the members essentially take what they put in.Co-op members make decisions together and pay a monthly housing charge that covers the cost of the mortgage, property taxes, maintenance and any other operating costs, according to the bylaws of the cooperative.“This is regular people creating affordable housing, that’s a public good,” said Lutton. Though the cooperative aims to fight displacement, its lens is focused on helping artists and longtime immigrant Pilsen families, such as the Leon family.When the Leon family members applied, their savings were minimal, recalls Karen Leon. They had spent most of it looking for other apartments and paying application fees. The cooperative then hosted a fundraiser to help them pay a larger down payment to lower their mortgage.“At first I was kind of ashamed to admit that we needed that help,” said Leon. “But it has taught me the meaning of community and of equal housing opportunities, now I want to help other families reach their dreams.”AdvertisementKaren and Enrique Leon stand in front of a mural in the communal garden of their home in Pilsen. The couple is part of the Pilsen Housing Cooperative, which has afforded the family its first opportunity for homeownership. (John J. Kim / Chicago Tribune)The Leons’ mariachi band often participates in fundraisers and other co-op events. On a recent Saturday, the band performed at a community cookout in celebration of the purchase of the Morgan Street building and the inauguration of a mural painted on the wall of the Wolcott Avenue building that pays homage to their “Fight To Stay.”Muralists Duarte and Gabriel Villa painted the new mural and also recreated a part of an original mural that was on the wall, “Peace,” which was painted by Mario Castillo in 1968.In August, the Leons’ mariachi band will be performing at the Quinceañera of one of the daughters of a co-op member. “We support each other to ensure we succeed and help others do the same, like family,” Karen Leon said.Raquel Garcia, co-president of the cooperative, said that “though the pandemic brought challenge,” it is exciting to see more longtime Pilsen residents stay in the neighborhood they helped to create.Ald. Byron Sigcho-Lopez, 25th, said he supports the co-op and is encouraging the city’s housing department to create legislative changes so that housing cooperatives can be funded on a larger scale to help foster their growth and create more affordable housing.The cooperative is currently hosting info sessions for those interested in learning more.AdvertisementBut since the purchase of the first complex, home prices have gone up drastically. The third building, located on Oakley Avenue, is expected to cost nearly $1.3 million, almost twice as much as the first one.Co-op members hope to receive more donations to ensure that prices are kept affordable and that they are able to continue expanding their mission: Quedarse en Pilsen.To stay in Pilsen.larodriguez@chicagotribune.com

Dear Amy: My daughter just announced her engagement to her boyfriend, “Clay.”They are both heavy pot users. Clay is also a convicted felon (for selling narcotics), a college dropout, and has psychiatric and physical health problems.AdvertisementHe picks up occasional work but cannot and does not support her. He can barely support himself. He has terrible hygiene.Worse yet, he seems to be incredibly reckless. He has totaled three cars in three years.AdvertisementMy husband and our other children insist that I must support my daughter’s life choices, but I cannot bring myself to. I see only pain and poverty in her future.We raised our beautiful daughter in an upper middle-class family, sent her to private college and on European trips.We supported her 100 percent over the past year while she successfully undertook and excelled in a prerequisite program to start a three-year (online, part-time) master’s degree toward a new career.She recently got a minimally-paying job and wants us to continue to help support her while she moves forward with grad school and the boyfriend.Her siblings have said that if I don’t support her choices, I will lose contact with all of them.I feel like I’m being blackmailed into watching a horror movie play out. My heart is broken. If I cut off my daughter financially, she’ll hate me.If I don’t support her relationship with her boyfriend, they’ll all hate me.My husband, who wants to retire soon, wants me to at least support her relationship, and is willing to tell my daughter to take loans and support herself.AdvertisementCould you weigh in?– Heartbroken MomDear Heartbroken: I see a distinction between “support” and “accept.”Yes, you should accept your daughter’s choice because she is an adult and she has the right to make terrible choices.If you accept her, must you also “support” her? Absolutely not.She may need to experience the reality of living a marginal life – far from her upper-middle class privilege – in order to make a choice about it.AdvertisementIf she continues with her graduate program and you can afford it, you might choose to pay only her school bills (directly to the school). If she completes each semester successfully, you can choose to pay for the next semester. This would be extremely generous. She and “Clay” will then have to work to support their living expenses – as countless adult couples are expected to do.Invite them over for dinner, include them in family events, and yes – you may be forced to face and tolerate your disappointment in your pot-using daughter and her choice in partner, but until she is forced to face her own choices and disappointments, she will never be inspired to perhaps choose differently.Dear Amy: I have an alcoholic friend who is trying to quit drinking.We go out once in a while to have lunch or dinner and I’m wondering — would it be wise to have only one alcoholic beverage?I would think tapering off alcohol slowly and supervised would be better for him than stopping completely.I want to be helpful.Advertisement– Concerned FriendDear Concerned: If you are an addiction specialist, then by all means you could try to coach your friend through tapering off of alcohol and supervise his consumption. Otherwise, I believe it would be best for you to avoid alcohol completely when you are with him.For some addicts, any contact with their drug will trigger their addiction. One drink at lunch could lead to a binge later.Some people might be able to effectively reduce and possibly manage their drinking by choosing to change their habits, but an alcoholic in the throes of addiction could not be expected to be able to do this.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.It would be wisest for you to support your friend’s recovery by pointing him toward in- or out-patient rehab, attending 12-step meetings, and reckoning with your own powerlessness over his disease.Dear Amy: Regarding “Worried Dad,” whose 20-something kids had bad hygiene, bad eating habits, and a habit of leaving messes, you left out the possibility that the boys are suffering from depression, particularly if this is a change from their habits in the past. I’d strongly recommend they be diagnosed by a physician knowledgeable about this insidious disease.Advertisement– Been ThereDear Been There: This father did not indicate any change in their habits, but I agree that a medical screening is always wise, especially for young men, who tend to avoid going to the doctor.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Dear Amy: I recently turned 21. I will be the first in my group of friends to graduate from college. This happens in a few weeks.It feels like life is starting to return to a sense of normalcy as the pandemic recedes, and my friends and I are socializing more outside of our homes – going out dancing, and enjoying the nightlife.AdvertisementMy best friend and I are not big drinkers and every time we go out men pressure us to drink and then try to shame us for not “knowing how to party.”Can you help us come up with a witty comeback to shut down the pressure to drink?Advertisement– Happy TeetotalerDear Happy: Alcohol is the only drug I can think of where people are continuously asked to explain why they are NOT using it. Understand, however, that you are a part of a growing community of people who are choosing to live sober.Much as I enjoy offering snappy comebacks, I think the most important thing for you to do is to completely own your sobriety.The only good thing about being shamed for “not knowing how to party” is that it offers you a very quick insight into the people who do this (women also pressure people to drink).People who pressure you to party are throwing down red flags, and you should take this as your cue to avoid them.You’re starting to venture out now for your first time as a legal adult, and so you should take some basics to heart:Never accept a drink from anyone other than directly from your trusted companion or from the bartender.Your professional bartender is your friend here. State that you aren’t drinking alcohol and ask for suggestions of a good substitute. A seasoned bartender will give you alternatives and also take this as a cue to keep an eye on you. If you ever feel threatened or even uncomfortable, let the bartender and/or club security know.Advertisement(No matter what you’re drinking, tip the bar staff well.)Regarding explaining your sobriety, it would be easy for you to lie:“I’m celebrating ‘Dry July.’”“I’m running a marathon tomorrow.”“Shhhhhh – I’m pregnant.”“One more DUI and I’m in the slammer.”Advertisement“I need to stay sober so I won’t slip in your vomit later.”But owning your sobriety looks something like this: “I don’t drink because I don’t want to. Thank you for respecting my choice.”Dear Amy: My sister retired recently and moved away from her family and to the Southwest.She purchased a small home in a 55-and-older community and seems very happy. She stated that it was the only place she found that she could afford, relying solely on her Social Security and some savings.Thirty years ago, she divorced and apparently in the divorce decree her husband was ordered to invest a sum of money, on her behalf, to be given to her when her ex-husband retired.Her ex has been retired now for over five years and her ex and her kids are reluctant to give her the money because they are afraid she will just spend it.AdvertisementI really believe she has forgotten about this nest egg over the years.She could really use the money and if she spends it and enjoys herself, good for her.I am going out to see her in a few weeks and I’m wondering: should I bring this up to her, or should I leave it alone and let her family decide when the time is right to give her what’s overdue?– Wondering SiblingDear Sibling: I’m wondering how you and her kids know about your sister’s nest egg when she doesn’t, but yes – I think you should bring this up.Her other family members will likely accuse you of overstepping, but I agree with you that if your sister has money coming to her, then she should receive it.AdvertisementA divorce decree isn’t a suggestion – it’s a legal agreement.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Dear Amy: Thank you for honing in on the sexism implied by “Upset Grandma” who claimed to be “confused” by the “paternalism” demonstrated by a family naming a son after other male family members.People should have the right to honor previous generations by naming children after them. Male or female: who cares!?– Grateful ReaderDear Grateful: My sense is that “Upset Grandma” was hoping to prod me into a feminist rant regarding male children being named after male ancestors. But she caught me with my rants down.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.AdvertisementSign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Dear Amy: I have a 17-year-old daughter who identifies as a male.I am OK with this. I am a Christian and attend a traditional Methodist church.AdvertisementI am involved in a lot of church events, but my child is not.I am not sure how the church is going to react to my child’s transition. I also don’t know how my side of the family will react. I had one guy from the church already make a comment about my teen wearing a tux to the prom.AdvertisementI told people that she doesn’t do dresses, which is true.My question is — how do I support my daughter/son and also hold on to my church?– Confused MomDear Confused Mom: If your child identifies as a male, then he is not a daughter/son — but a son.This gender transition is also a transition for you, and you should continue along this path by using your child’s preferred pronoun.Regarding your church, this may seem like a complex doctrinal or cultural issue, but it’s not!You have one child.There are other churches.AdvertisementI suggest that you take some time to get very comfortable with your child’s gender transition, and then share this knowledge with friends, family, and fellow congregants over time. You don’t need to make a big announcement but acknowledge the truth the way you would other aspects of your child’s life to people who are interested. (The “tux” comment was one opportunity for you to say, “The reason my teen didn’t wear a gown to the prom is because they identify as male.”)People may let you down – but please — do not let your faith fail you!If people at church respond unkindly, you can assure them that you will pray for them to open their hearts. Then, you should look for another place to worship.Pflag.org offers great resources and advice for parents of transgender people.Dear Amy: You offered advice to a woman (“What If”), who was traumatized when a suicidal man deliberately ran into the path of her car.You pointed out similarities between her experience and that of train personnel who are involved in these tragic incidents.AdvertisementI am a locomotive engineer. I had a 20-year-old boy jump in front of my train.The rational side of my brain knows it wasn’t my fault, but there is no escaping the emotional shock.It just kept replaying over and over in my head for quite some time.It does get better over time. She can rest assured after a long while the emotional damage will fade.– Engineer BenDear Engineer: I hope that you – and anyone traumatized by an event like this – will seek therapeutic help to recover from the symptoms of your trauma.AdvertisementA body of recent research into the lingering effects of trauma has led to some new treatments that survivors like you could find helpful and healing.Time does help to heal wounds. But treatment plus time is even better.Your professional organization or union should point you toward helpful resources.Dear Amy: I understand the angst of individuals who seek to contact (or are contacted by) previously unknown DNA relatives. I received an email about three years ago from my biological father.I wasn’t sure what to do, as my mother always told me that he wanted nothing to do with me.At the time, I was 59 and he was 79.AdvertisementI decided to say yes.During our first conversation, my biological father apologized for not being part of my life and took responsibility for his actions.My parents were 18 when I was conceived. They were young and scared and made decisions they regretted.However, it has been a blessing to text and speak on the phone, as well as to meet in person.He has sent a couple of small handmade gifts for me and his first great-grandson.Overall, it has been great to get to know him.AdvertisementAsk AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.My suggestion for people wrestling with this is: Don’t pass up the opportunity, it could turn out well. If not, just walk away.– Pleasantly SurprisedDear Surprised: I have mentioned this many times (especially lately), but the ubiquity of DNA testing is basically coming for everyone.Each of us should try to anticipate the possibility of being contacted by DNA relatives. I agree with you that this presents opportunities, but many people are quite naturally wary, because there are also risks to these connections. It isn’t always easy to just walk away.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Advertisement©2021 Amy Dickinson.

The sight and fragrance of lilacs, blooming in shades from deep violet-purple to pink to white, are among the splendors of spring.If you’d like to have that splendor in your yard, be careful about the lilac you choose, said Julie Janoski, Plant Clinic manager at The Morton Arboretum in Lisle. “They’re glorious for about two weeks in May, but the rest of the time, old-fashioned lilacs can be a lot to handle,” she said.AdvertisementThe most familiar species is common lilac (Syringa vulgaris), a plant from the Balkans that is popular around the world and has been planted in Chicago-area gardens since the 19th century. Many decades-old lilacs survive today.Mature shrubs are often 15 to 20 feet high and just as wide. “They are vigorous, spreading shrubs that need a lot of space,” Janoski said.AdvertisementPalibin Meyer lilac (Syringa meyeri ‘Palibin’) blooms slightly later and can tolerate a bit more shade than old-fashioned common lilac (Syringa vulgaris). (John Hagstrom/Chicago Botanic Garden)If a lilac needs to be pruned, do it soon after the shrub finishes blooming. “If you wait too long, you will reduce the spring bloom next year,” she said.That’s because lilacs develop next year’s flower buds over the course of each summer. “You have a window of three or four weeks to prune,” Janoski said. “After that, you’ll be cutting off next spring’s flowers.”Lilacs try to form clumps by sending up new shoots from spreading roots. “Prune out the suckers to keep the lilac under control,” she said.An old lilac often becomes a dense tangle of thick, gnarly old stems, dead wood and new shoots. This crowding can impede circulation and encourage powdery mildew, a common problem with older varieties of lilac. Opening up the interior of the shrub by pruning can improve air flow and restore vigor.There are two ways to tame a tangled old lilac: renewal pruning and rejuvenation pruning.For a gradual approach that keeps lilac blooms coming every spring, try renewal pruning. First remove all the dead wood, cutting dead stems as low as you can. Then remove the thickest, oldest living stems, pruning them off within 1 or 2 inches of the ground. “Take out only one-third of the living stems,” Janoski said. The remaining stems will support the shrub with their sun-gathering leaves and will bear spring blooms.In each of the next two years, remove one-third of the oldest stems, and keep removing dead wood. By the fourth year, all the stems will be younger and more vigorous. “After that, check each year and prune as necessary to keep the big tangle from returning,” she said. “Always remove the oldest stems, and make sure you never take out more than a third of the plant.”For a more drastic, less painstaking approach, try rejuvenating the shrub. Cut off all the stems — the whole plant — within 1 or 2 inches of the ground. Next year, new stems will sprout, but they won’t have blooms. “You’ll lose a year of flowers,” Janoski said. The first blooms will appear the following spring, and it will take a few years for the shrub to get back to its full size.AdvertisementNot all lilac problems can be solved by pruning. For example, it won’t restore bloom to a shrub that is in too much shade.Lilacs in nature only grow in full sun in well-drained soil, according to Kris Bachtell, vice president of collections and facilities at the Arboretum. Without full sun, they won’t bloom.In gardens, old lilac shrubs that were planted in full sun may now be in shade because trees have grown overhead or newer buildings now block the sun’s rays. “There’s nothing you can do to make a lilac bloom if it doesn’t have enough sun,” Janoski said. “It’s just a large nonflowering green shrub.”For gardeners who don’t have the space or patience for an old-fashioned lilac, several more manageable species and cultivated varieties are available. These smaller lilacs usually do not require as much pruning as old-fashioned lilacs, needing only occasional pruning for shape.Meyer lilac (Syringa meyeri) grows 6 to 8 feet high and wide. Although it blooms best in full sun, it can tolerate part shade. It blooms slightly later than the common lilac. The most common cultivar is Palibin.Manchurian lilac (Syringa patula) is known mainly for one cultivar, Miss Kim. It has fragrant light purple flowers that fade to light pink on a plant that is 5 to 8 feet tall.AdvertisementReblooming lilacs are hybrids that bloom again in late summer or early fall, although not as lushly as in spring. The Bloomerang series includes several cultivars, including Bloomerang Purple (Syringa ‘Penda’); Bloomerang Dark Purple (Syringa x ‘SMSJBP7′); and Bloomerang Dwarf Pink (Syringa x ‘SMNJRPI’). They are all smaller than the common lilac, but sizes vary among cultivars, so research each plant and choose the right size for your yard.For tree and plant advice, contact the Plant Clinic at The Morton Arboretum (630-719-2424, mortonarb.org/plant-clinic, or plantclinic@mortonarb.org). Beth Botts is a staff writer at the Arboretum.

Dear Amy: I have been in a 20-year relationship with a wonderful man who has been there for me — through thick and thin.We raised my children together and are now enjoying our grandchildren.AdvertisementI have been very unhappy in the relationship for the last few years because I’ve fallen out of love with him.I don’t want to have the grandbabies lose out on a wonderful grandfather because he will leave the country if we split up, but I want to be happy, too.AdvertisementI’ve always liked women, but I didn’t want my mother to take my children away from me if I lived my true self, so when I met him, and we decided to get together, I honestly wanted to grow old with him.Now my children are grown, and I feel like I deserve to be happy. I just don’t want to break a good man’s heart.How can I have both things that I want?– Lost in the ClosetDear Lost: You may not be able to have everything you want.Because of your life experience, you already know this, but the only way to find out what you can have is to start living your truth by being honest with your partner.You will then have to deal with his reaction to your disclosure (he may already suspect that you are attracted to women).I know of many instances where, relatively late in life, people choose to reconfigure their family system to accommodate less-traditional structures and situations.AdvertisementThere is no requirement that your partner should leave your family system – unless he wants to.I hope you will find a way to sincerely convey your desire to remain in a loving relationship with him so that he can remain an important member of the family he has been a part of for the past two decades.Dear Amy: I have planned a big party for my husband’s landmark birthday in two months.This is going to be a sit-down dinner. We invited 80 family members and close friends. About half the guest list is family. The rest are friends.I have had at least four people inform me that they will be bringing additional people, who they believed we would enjoy seeing.My husband has also had two friends ask if they could bring one of their adult children and possibly their kids’ spouses.AdvertisementHe told them he would talk to me and get back to them.We are so fortunate to have so many friends that want to share this celebration with us, but we had to draw a line, as we are not rich and also the venue has a limit of 85. We will be paying for this event.Neither of us want to hurt anyone’s feelings, but isn’t it rude and presumptuous to invite people to someone else’s party?What should we do?Should we just go along with it and hope we can accommodate everyone?One person who wants to bring his adult son (because he really likes my husband) made a snide remark about paying for their dinners.AdvertisementPlease advise me. I really don’t know what to do.– Losing SleepDear Losing Sleep: The last time this happened to me (and it happens to all hosts), I also lost sleep over the question of how to respond to people who wanted to bring extra guests – some of whom were people I’d never met.And then one day I woke up and decided that it was “no” day.I told people, “I’m so sorry — but it won’t be possible for you to bring an extra guest, but I hope you’ll still be able to come. Just let me know.”Every single person responded with a version of this: “OK, no problem. Hey, it doesn’t hurt to ask!”AdvertisementWhat people don’t realize is that when they ask, they shift the burden onto an already nerve-wracked host.Deliver your response quickly and cheerfully. Understand, too, that some people will drop out at the last minute, and some will bring extras, anyway.Dear Amy: “At a Loss in Colorado” shared some biographical essays, and then got angry when her friend didn’t offer comments about her writing.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.While I agreed with your response, I believe you left something out: This friend might not have read the writer’s work at all.I know I wouldn’t.– HesitantAdvertisementDear Hesitant: The risk of pressing your writing on someone is that they won’t like it – or even read it.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Dear Amy: I am a 73-year-old man. My wife died three years ago. This year would have been our 50th year of marriage.Although we had many ups and downs throughout our marriage, we loved each other and raised two wonderful children who now have children of their own. (I also have a daughter from a previous marriage.)AdvertisementI have many grandchildren and great-grandchildren.I love and live for my family. I don’t know what I would have done without them after my wife’s death.AdvertisementOver 40 years ago my wife caught me kissing “Doreen,” my friend’s wife, while we were at a party. Nothing more ever happened. My wife never really got over the betrayal, but we agreed to stay together and work on our marriage. We also stayed friends with Doreen and her husband. He died 25 years ago.Through the years Doreen and I have stayed friends through email, Facebook, phone calls, kids’ birthday parties, etc. My children know her and have always been friendly toward her.Doreen and I have spoken on the phone many times in the years after my wife’s death (the “kiss” has never been mentioned). I’ve become interested in dating her.I mentioned her to my son recently and he was very adamant that he did not want me to date her. He said his sister(s) agreed with him.I don’t even know if Doreen would go out with me, but am I wrong to want her to be a part of my life? I’m afraid my kids will turn away from me. I think my wife told them about this long-ago kiss.I was totally surprised by my son’s reaction.What should I do?– Just FriendsAdvertisementDear Friends: When you essentially ask someone for permission to live your life within completely respectable boundaries, you take a risk that they will say, “No.”And – reporting my own non-scientific findings and insight, I’d say that around 70 percent of adult children say a quick “no” to the prospect of their older parent dating after a loss. (They often come around later.)Just as you don’t have the power to run your kids’ lives, you should not give them the power to run yours.So, don’t ask.For now, the only asking on your part should be confined to “Doreen.” Furthermore, I hope you won’t make the mistake of believing that you need to explain or apologize for a regrettable choice you made 40 years ago, which you and your wife dealt with as well as you could.My overall point is that your health and happiness should be the most important thing to the people who love you. Handle this new relationship discreetly and in thoughtful stages.AdvertisementDear Amy: In January I loaned my granddaughter $9,000.She agreed to pay me back when her bank opened the following Monday. I know she had the money because her father (my son) was involved in a lawsuit and she received a large sum of money.It has been several months now, and she has not paid me yet.I am considering suing her because I am retired and living on a fixed income. What should I do?It pains me that I am being treated this way after I was so kind to loan her this money.– StiffedAdvertisementDear Stiffed: Some of the details you offer don’t quite hold together.If your granddaughter could have paid you back from money in her own account on a Monday, then why did she need this money so urgently before that?Did she tell you why she needed this large sum, or why her father didn’t loan it to her?I hope you have some documentation regarding this loan.Start by asking her – in writing — to repay you.You could also try asking her father to repay you.AdvertisementIf you don’t receive satisfactory answers (and your money), then – yes — depending on where you live, you could take this to small claims court, which would be an easier (and less expensive) process for you.I hope you charge her interest.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Dear Amy: Ah, I sighed when I read your response to “A Friend” about a broken friendship: “True friends are daffodils in the snow, and they are well worth freezing for.”I’m currently experiencing a friendship that is dying on the vine; this helped me to put it in perspective.– Moving OnDear Moving On: This analogy was inspired by venturing into a snowstorm to rescue some wounded daffodils.AdvertisementGot a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.