Browsing: Lifestyle

Dear Amy: My partner “Michael’s” father, “Ned” walked out on their family when Michael was a teenager.It was a nasty divorce, leaving behind many emotional and financial scars.AdvertisementIn the years following the divorce, Ned made little and then no effort to keep in touch with his children.The family is understandably angry and hurt by his betrayal. Michael is especially hurt. He never speaks of his father and becomes visibly closed off if he ever comes up in conversation.AdvertisementMichael and I now have a wonderful son together, and while we know Ned is aware of this through mutual friends and family, Ned has never reached out.Our son is three. We have accepted that this man will likely never be a part of our son’s life, but how do we tell our son that?The dreaded question has already come up (“Nana is mom’s mom, Grandma is dad’s mom. … Who is Grandpa? Where is he?”), and I explained that Grandpa went far away a long time ago and we don’t really know where he is, as Michael looked on, stone-faced and silent.Our son accepted this vague explanation and moved on, but I can feel follow-up questions brewing.I plan to address them openly and honestly as they arise, but am at a loss as to how to frame it in a way that is age-appropriate and will not be hurtful to him. How do you tell a child that some parents just leave their families?How can we reassure him we would never do that to him? As the most objective adult in this situation, I feel it would be best for me to be the one who discusses this with him.I’d appreciate any guidance.– Estranged in-lawAdvertisementDear Estranged: You should talk to your partner about this and ask him if the two of you can come up with simple and truthful explanations for your precocious son: “Daddy’s father’s name is ‘Ned.’ Daddy hasn’t seen him in a long time because Steven chose to move away and hasn’t been in touch.”If your son asks why, you can truthfully say, “I’m not sure why, but I’m sorry he made that choice.”Some people don’t want to be parents and grandparents. And some people never learn how.Don’t overload your son with a sense of loss and sadness over this. Follow his curiosity where it leads, and offer lots of affirmations and reassurance.Dear Amy: I have been to therapy off and on throughout the course of my 40-plus year marriage.The advice I’ve been given is to pray about it, to find a hobby, or to get a divorce.AdvertisementMy wife is my best friend and I love her dearly, but when it comes to love and affection, she is not interested.We have slept in separate bedrooms for most of our marriage. There is never any hand holding, cuddling or intimacy.When I tell her how lonely I am, she basically ignores me. She is not willing to attend couples’ therapy and is perfectly content with our platonic relationship.I have hobbies and grandchildren to occupy my days, but I’m extremely lonely. I’m in great shape for my age and hope to live another 30 years.I can’t bear to think that I will live out the rest of my life being lonesome and wanting a woman’s affection.I’ve been faithful through all of this, but worry about giving in to temptation someday.AdvertisementAny advice?– Suffering from Touch DeprivationDear Suffering: I don’t know about praying this loneliness away, but I’d add an idea to your basket of solicited advice: If you are unwilling to leave your marriage in order to pursue the possibility of other relationships, you could approach your wife to see if she is willing to “open” your marriage so that you could both step out, possibly for a trial period of a few months.If you two are best friends and great roommates, she may be willing to participate in this experiment.There is a substantial downside to this sort of trial: Harsh judgment from children, family members and friends, as well as the loneliness and disappointment that so often accompanies dating.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Dear Amy: I was surprised at your response to “Wondering,” suggesting explaining artificial insemination to very young children who are conceived this way.AdvertisementWhat does a 6-year-old know about eggs and sperm?!– UpsetDear Upset: Young children understand that babies come from parents. Their folks will explain the rest.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Dear Amy: My first wife, “Stacey,” and I married young. She loved me. We had three children together.I was immature and had little concept of what was required for a successful marriage, although my parents had an almost idyllic one.AdvertisementAfter 13 years together, I left the marriage.The divorce I initiated was difficult for us all.AdvertisementThere were several reconciliations and I spent about a year in analysis. Ultimately I left and married my second wife. She and I have been very happily married for over 30 years.There are children (now grown) from both marriages, and they all get along incredibly well.Stacey remarried (happily) and after many years in the wilderness we are able to attend family activities and engage in cordial conversation.I have a desire to apologize to her for all the pain I caused, but I am not sure whether I am just trying to make myself feel better. I wonder if doing this might just cause her further pain or anger.Our adult children are aware of my feelings and have advised me to let things be.Based on this brief synopsis, can you give any advice?– Regretful but HappyDear Regretful: You say that you and your ex now have a cordial relationship, and so a note from you wouldn’t necessarily create a problem for her.AdvertisementYour impulse to apologize, make amends, or work on paying down your Karmic debt is laudable. Despite the fact that your children are advising you to “let things be,” I hope you choose to do this.Sample thoughts you might use: “Over time I’ve come to understand how immature and selfish I was.” “You absolutely deserved better, and I appreciate that you seem to have found a far better partner than I was to you.” “Thank you for raising our children so well.” “I am so sorry for the pain I caused you and the kids.”You might want to end your note with this thought: “I don’t need any acknowledgment from you, but I hope you receive this in the spirit I intend it – as a sincere apology.”It is important that you detach completely from any expectations regarding the outcome. If your apology angers her and she responds harshly, then – maybe she needed to do that, and you needed to hear it.Dear Amy: I started dating “Iris” five months ago.We’ve seen each other two to three times a week and have gone on trips together.AdvertisementRecently she decided to stop drinking, as it was becoming a problem for her.I support her completely. In the five to six weeks since she stopped drinking, I have seen her only three times, and for only about an hour or so.She always says she has plans.She won’t come to my place or stay over because she says now that she has anxiety if she’s away from home, although she still hangs out with family/friends several times a week, and as far as I can tell she continues to be active.I can’t help feeling like she’s phasing me out of her life and doesn’t want to be in a relationship with me anymore.When I ask her if there’s anything wrong between us, she says everything is fine.AdvertisementShe doesn’t acknowledge my feelings or seem concerned that I see something wrong. She insisted that I’m overthinking things and that maybe it would be good for me to get some therapy.I’m not sure what I should do.– WorriedDear Worried: This change in your relationship may be related to “Iris’s” decision to stop drinking.Either she has stopped, and being with you is a trigger for her – or she has possibly resumed drinking and doesn’t want you to know.(Her choice could also be a result of another issue.)AdvertisementHer insistence that nothing has changed, even though it obviously has, is a red flag. Yes, you should assume that she is phasing you out and that she is not willing to be honest with you about her reasons.It is rational to wonder why someone is not being straight with you.You don’t seem to need therapy. You may, however, need to let Iris go.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Dear Amy: Thank you for your forceful response to “Perplexed Partner!,” whose boyfriend purchased Hitler memorabilia as a gift for his son.Any thinking and sensitive person should recognize that these items are loaded with heartbreaking associations.– AppalledAdvertisementDear Appalled: I was surprised to learn that there is a robust market in this material.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

“I am seeing grass growing in my garden beds with perennials and groundcovers and am finding it frustrating to get rid of it. The grass may have gotten a start in my beds after I seeded my lawn last fall. It is difficult to pull out and seems to consistently come back. What is the best way to get rid of it? It seems to be spreading.”— Alfredo Ramirez, EvanstonAdvertisementGrass is difficult to eradicate once it gets established in the crowns of perennials and in beds of groundcovers. One option is to keep pulling out the grass, beginning early in spring when you first see it and continuing throughout the entire growing season. The best time to do this is when the soil is moist, as it will be easier to get the roots out, and the more roots that are removed, the better the results. This will take lots of patience and persistence to be successful. In time, the grass should weaken and eventually disappear. A weeder with a forked end or a trowel is a good tool to help get the roots out. A weeder will work better when space is more constricted and will do less damage to surrounding plants.AdvertisementAnother option is to lift all the perennials infested with grass out of the bed and carefully remove any grass from the root balls of the plants. Then dig the remaining clumps of grass out of the bed and replant the perennials. Monitor for any grass that was missed during this process that sprouts again over the coming weeks. This work can still be done now with most perennials, though the window of time is closing. You can also wait until the weather is cooler in early September or next spring before using this technique to reduce stress on the plants. If you decide to wait, then pull the grass as best you can and do not allow it to go to seed.Grass is difficult to eradicate once it gets established in the crowns of perennials and in beds of groundcovers. (RJ Carlson/Chicago Botanic Garden)There are herbicides that will selectively kill grass in mixed plantings. Ornamec is an example of an herbicide that selectively kills grasses and can be applied over some ornamentals. Read the label to determine if it can be used safely with the plants in your garden. If any of the plants are not listed on the label, it is best to avoid using this product for the area. Or, you can test it first on a small section to make sure it will not kill or damage desirable plants. The best time to apply this product is when the grass is actively growing in spring and fall. These products will be less effective in the heat of summer, when the grass is not actively growing.Glyphosate, a broad-spectrum, nonselective herbicide will kill the grass, as well as your garden plants. You can treat the grass growing the farthest away from your desirable plants by spraying the grass carefully on a calm day. To treat the grass growing close to the garden plants, put on rubber gloves first and then a cheap cotton glove second. Using two fingers on the cotton glove, dip into the herbicide and carefully wipe the blades of grass, avoiding any drips on adjacent garden plants.It is important to read and follow all instructions on labels whenever applying any chemical treatments.For more plant advice, contact the Plant Information Service at the Chicago Botanic Garden at plantinfo@chicagobotanic.org. Tim Johnson is senior director of horticulture at the Chicago Botanic Garden.

Dear Amy: I have a 12-year-old daughter who belongs to a youth group at church. When she joined, the leaders asked for her cell number so they could contact her about activities.Our daughter does not have a cellphone because we believe she is too young. The leaders then added my cell number (without my permission).AdvertisementThey send out a couple of text messages each week, which then end up with 15 to 20 replies because the girls use it to comment, talk, joke, etc, – completely off topic.Each time this happens, I ask the leaders to remove my number, which they do, and then a few weeks later I am back on their list and getting the group texts again.AdvertisementI have complained and asked them to stop adding me, but their most recent reply was that this is how they communicate, and they are concerned that my daughter will miss out.Their activities are weekly and are always held at the same time.My daughter has not missed out yet, and I am getting frustrated with having my cellphone blow up every time they start a new chain.How do I get these leaders to show some common text courtesy without pulling my daughter from a group of friends she wants to be with?What is appropriate texting in these situations?– Fed UpDear Fed Up: Given that this is the way they notify the group about meetings, it seems prudent for you to receive texts from the youth leaders. You might want to hand your phone to your daughter for a period of time so she can participate in these conversations – or at least to confirm that she has received the message.(Personally, I would also have a (limited) interest in what these kids were talking about – but I take it as a given that you don’t.)AdvertisementYou have many options. You could “block” the originating phone number (and you would not receive any calls or texts from the number).It is very easy to turn off notifications altogether (the texts will arrive, but your phone won’t ping or vibrate); you can also “mute” texts from a specific phone number.You could also receive the first text, take in the information, and then “leave the conversation” by clicking on that option.Ways to perform these functions vary based on the kind of phone you use. Use an internet search to see how to reset the notifications on your specific phone.Dear Amy: My wife and I were invited to my youngest brother’s wedding.Due to a major age difference between us, we’ve never been close.AdvertisementThere’s no animosity or issues, we’re just borderline strangers to one another (I don’t even have his phone number).If we decline the invite, my father will be extremely upset.In order to avoid that, my wife and I have decided that we’ll attend the ceremony and leave before the reception.My question is: How do we RSVP in this situation?We’re not attending the reception and I don’t want them to waste money buying us a dinner we won’t be there to eat.It may even open up a couple more spaces at the reception for friends with whom the couple is better acquainted.AdvertisementThoughts?– Elder BrotherDear Elder: You state that you are not close to this brother, but only because of the age gap between you. And now this family member has invited you to celebrate an important milestone in his life.The way to get close – or closer – is to show up for him, to become acquainted with his wife and her family, and to meet their friends.You don’t seem to want to do any of this, however, and so you should respond: “My wife and I will be at the ceremony, but unfortunately we will have to leave before the reception. We hope you have a great time, and wish you all the very best for a wonderful celebration.”Dear Amy: “From the Heartland” wondered how to respond to her fat-shaming friends.AdvertisementDue to a chronic illness, I am underweight at five-foot-three and a hundred pounds.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Several years ago, I was with my sister-in-law at a restaurant. She ordered her lunch, and I ordered soup.The server commented, “Sure, skinny-mini will just have soup.” To this day, I regret not speaking with her supervisor.– Donna in ColoradoDear Donna: I hope your response is posted on employee bulletin boards: It is never appropriate to comment on a person’s body.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.AdvertisementSign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

After we’ve shivered and sloshed through a cold, wet spring, this may be hard to imagine — but it’s time to think about watering the garden.“Trees and other plants in the Midwest go through a sort of minidrought every July and August,” said Sharon Yiesla, plant knowledge specialist at The Morton Arboretum in Lisle. “That’s just a couple of months away, so homeowners would be wise to prepare for it now.”AdvertisementBy thinking ahead, you can help your plants avoid water stress that can weaken them and make them more vulnerable to pests and diseases. The mass of a mature tree is roughly 35 percent water, and a tomato plant is at least 90 percent water.“All kinds of plants need sufficient water to stay healthy through the summer,” Yiesla said. By July, they will have long since used up the water added to the soil by the rains of April and May.AdvertisementYet if we don’t pay attention, it’s also easy to overwater. “That’s not just wasteful, it’s harmful,” Yiesla said. “Watering too much can distort plants’ growth and lead to some kinds of disease and pest problems.”For example, overwatered lawns provide a perfect habitat for grubs, many of which hatch into Japanese beetles.Water oozes slowly from a soaker hose into the soil. Lay soaker hoses out early in the season so you can water beds easily and efficiently through the summer.
(Beth Botts/Morton Arboretum)Here are some suggestions from Yiesla for preparing to water this summer.“Watering on a set schedule is a recipe for overwatering or underwatering,” Yiesla said. “If the system turns on when there’s already moisture in the soil, it will encourage grubs and root rot. If it turns on briefly two or three times a week, it will barely dampen the soil surface. That will leave the grass and other plants underwatered while still running up the water bill.”Instead, shut off the timer. Turn on the sprinklers manually to water deeply only when you’ve determined that the soil is actually dry.“We need to pay more attention nowadays, because our climate has changed and made the weather more volatile and unpredictable,” she said. “We can’t go by assumptions from 20 or 30 years ago.”Many gardeners have a habit of watering every morning or every Saturday. Instead, make a habit of checking the soil to see whether or not it needs watering. The easy way is to dig down a couple of inches with a trowel, touch the soil to see if it’s moist, and consider the plants that are growing in the spot.“For lettuce seedlings, you need moisture in the top inch of soil, but for established trees, shrubs, perennials and lawns, it’s sufficient if the soil is moist 2 inches down,” Yiesla said.AdvertisementYour goal should be to moisten the top 6 inches of soil. Then allow enough time — more time in cool weather, less time in hot weather — for the water to trickle down deeper and the top few inches of soil to dry out. Water again after you’ve checked the soil for moisture.When these hoses are laid on the soil in garden beds, their tiny perforations allow water to ooze out slowly all along their length. Soaker hoses deliver water right to the soil, where the roots are.“They reduce the chance of plant diseases because they don’t get the foliage wet,” Yiesla said.Since the water soaks in so gradually, roots have time to absorb it. Soaker hoses are less wasteful than sprinklers because they don’t fling water through the air to be lost to evaporation. Place the hoses early, then cover them with mulch and leave them in place for the whole season.Because their root systems are immature, trees and shrubs need extra watering for their first two to three years. You can water them with a soaker hose, a sprinkler, special watering bags that zip around the trunk of a tree or even a bucket.“Water deeply, right near the base of the trunk where the roots are,” Yiesla said. “As a rough rule of thumb, plan on 10 to 15 gallons each time at intervals of a week or 10 days, depending on the weather.”AdvertisementAmong many other benefits, a layer of mulch prevents water from evaporating from the soil. In perennial beds, an even layer 1 or 2 inches deep is enough. Around trees and shrubs, spread mulch evenly in a wide area about 3 to 4 inches deep. “Just be careful not to pile mulch against the trunk,” Yiesla said.For tree and plant advice, contact the Plant Clinic at The Morton Arboretum (630-719-2424, mortonarb.org/plant-clinic, or plantclinic@mortonarb.org). Beth Botts is a staff writer at the Arboretum.

Dear Amy: My son and his girlfriend just announced their plans to marry this year. It is the first marriage for both of them and we couldn’t be happier.We were very surprised, however, when they asked us what contribution we would make toward the wedding.AdvertisementI had always understood that wedding expenses were the responsibility of the bride’s family, and said so, but they said that was an “out-of-date” custom.We were blindsided and don’t know how to respond.AdvertisementHer family is generously giving them a healthy sum to use for wedding, honeymoon, etc. This should be more than enough to cover the wedding costs.We will host the rehearsal dinner (a traditional groom’s family responsibility) and plan on giving them a nice check for a wedding gift (but not as much as the bride’s contribution).A couple of years ago, we gave our son most of the down payment on the house they now live in together and feel we have done our share already. That gift was roughly double the funds the bride’s family is giving.Are we hopelessly out of date?How do we manage their expectations without causing ill-feelings?– Dated ParentsDear Parents: The marrying couple should be responsible for financing their wedding. One way to do this is to ask both sets of parents to contribute and then to plan for the wedding they can afford.Your son and his fiancée may seem especially bold when it comes to the “asking,” but that’s all they are doing – they are asking.AdvertisementAll they need from you is an answer: “In addition to the sum we gave you for your down payment, we’ll pay for the rehearsal dinner. We were also planning to give you a check for [name the amount] as a wedding gift, and if you would like it now rather than later, let us know.”This couple is responsible for managing their own expectations. This is “adulting” of the first order.Dear Amy: This has happened several times since my husband died:I live alone, and people drop off food for me.This happens without my knowledge, so I can’t tell them in advance that there are many foods I can’t eat.I am very grateful that they think of me, but I just don’t really understand the concept.AdvertisementI am not a shut-in, I am not ill, and I could certainly stand to lose some extra weight.Today a co-worker knew I was coming home from a weekend away and dropped off a very spicy stew. She texted me to say she had left it at my house.I opened the container and immediately knew that I would be sick for days if I ate it.How do I politely thank her but get the message across that I could not eat it?For the people who feel the need to give others food, please talk to them first to find out what they eat and if they have room to store the food!– OverfedAdvertisementDear Overfed: I can’t imagine how the concept of bringing food to a bereaved person has escaped you. Every region and culture I can think of contains a version of this practice, and although you make a strong case for the burden of receiving food when you haven’t asked for it, and a very good point regarding the challenge of receiving food you cannot consume, I hope you understand that there is a real spirit of generosity behind this effort.You can thank your co-worker using a version of this: “Thank you so much for dropping off the container of stew! I am so touched that you thought of me. Unfortunately for me, I can’t eat anything spicy, but oh – it smells so good. If I can find room in my freezer, I’m going to save it for a hungry guest. Let me know if you’d like me to return the container. I’m doing well right now, and I am so grateful for your thoughtfulness, but fortunately for me, I’m all set for food.”Dear Amy: Your response to grandpa bringing his grandkids cookies when he watches them, was ridiculous.You completely attacked his character, saying he’s lazy and implying that he may exert his “power” in other ways.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.That was over the top and a bit dramatic.Don’t be so lazy with the name-calling.Advertisement– DisgustedDear Disgusted: This grandfather’s choice was to ignore the explicit wishes of the children’s parents. So yes, he seemed like a lazy and disrespectful caregiver.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

You can thank Pleasantdale Middle School fifth graders for making sure Illinois had an official state rock. And you can also thank them for making sure coal was not chosen for said state rock.Yes, coal was in the running, according to now sixth grader Matej Naunov.Advertisement“One of our main reasons as to why coal was dropped was because you get coal on Christmas when you’re not good,” he said matter-of-factly.Pleasantdale teacher Jennifer Lauermann’s former students sat in the school’s music room recently, remembering their advocacy efforts to get a bill on Gov. J.B. Pritzker’s desk designating a state rock, a goal they achieved as a group during the pandemic. The youths are now waiting for Pritzker’s signature to make dolostone as the official rock of the state of Illinois.AdvertisementPleasantdale Middle School teacher Jennifer Lauermann and her fifth grade students look over an assortment of rocks at Pleasantdale Middle School in Burr Ridge on May 20, 2022. (Antonio Perez / Chicago Tribune)Dolostone, one of the most common rocks in Illinois, provides valuable nutrients to the soil. It’s also a great building resource and comprises most of the bedrock of northern Illinois. Per student research, dolostone was the cause of a major mineral rush in Galena, Illinois, in the early 1800s, the site of one of the first large geologic expeditions in the nation.What started as a geology unit in Lauermann’s fifth-grade science class grew into a movement of sorts that spanned the entire Burr Ridge school, other school districts, geology professors, gem clubs, rock enthusiasts/collectors and geologists. And to think it all started years ago, when Lauermann said she had students wanting to name a state spider. But that fizzled.“It was because of that group years ago, that made me really look at our state symbols,” Lauermann said. Then during the 2020-21 school year, her fifth graders started talking about symbols and discovered Illinois didn’t have a rock.That got the group of 26 students thinking and researching. During their work, the group interviewed people who work in the field and sent out emails to local geology experts. Lauermann said the students welcomed their input because they didn’t want to choose the rock without the advice of experts. Lauermann said the selected rocks had to represent Illinois, which meant “it’s easily found in Illinois. And a lot of people use it,” said student Stephan Nikolic. The class started with 10 rocks and ultimately got it down to the final three — limestone, dolostone and sandstone.The class then split up into three groups representing each rock, and made a case for each one. The campaigning was fierce. Lauermann created a website for the school’s endeavor, with details about each rock and a ballot for voting. Students told their parents, parents told friends and so on. Lauermann said the youths wrote 150 letters to state legislators to get any one of them on board with the push for a state rock. Naunov said the act of writing, printing, folding and stuffing envelopes took up some of the fifth graders’ recess time.A dolostone rock is on display at Pleasantdale Middle School in Burr Ridge. (Antonio Perez / Chicago Tribune)Signage was posted throughout the school, urging school staff and students to vote. With a state bird, insect, food, mineral and dance, how could Illinois not have a state rock? While dolostone was the smallest group, Lauermann said, dolostone was the winner with over 1,300 votes (over 50% of the vote) from myriad Illinois locations, including Chicago, Kenilworth, Rockford, Galena and Carbondale.“We reached about 400 schools total,” Lauermann said. “The website had really colorful pictures and an essay to read. I don’t really know all the reasons why people voted dolostone, but many of them said they liked the way it looked. They liked that it’s underneath us, part of our bedrock. And I remember people said they liked dolostone because it’s in a lot of buildings. It’s very historical. It’s not a rock that we see everywhere. But it definitely represents Illinois.”U.S. Rep. Sean Casten of Downers Grove heard about the rock project and brought it to the floor of the House.Advertisement“We’ve been told that once it gets signed, we’ll know and we’ll all celebrate that they’re a part of history,” Lauermann said. “They will have that memory and I will too.”Lauermann said the students have already been recognized by the school board and when the state rock is official, she said the district superintendent wants to do some kind of rock monument or plaque. Lauermann added that parents have already expressed their gratitude for the project helping to lift kids up during the pandemic.Pleasantdale Principal Griffin Sonntag said the 19-year Pleasantdale teacher made lemonade out of lemons.“That’s the kind of teachers that we have here. She’s one of the best,” he said adding, “It’s great for the kids to see the fruits of their labor.”Lauermann agreed.“It was all about the research and the diligence,” Lauermann said. “You had to have a group of kids that really wanted something … if they didn’t want it, then it wouldn’t have happened. This was a very, very diligent, really interested motivated group of students that wanted this to work.”AdvertisementVenture into Lauermann’s class and you can see her growing rock collection on the wall. Current and former students often will find unique rocks and give them to her — an arrowhead that looks like it’s carved from coal, a crystal from Tasmania and natural copper all sit on her wall.Pleasantdale Middle School fifth graders look over an assortment of rocks at their school in Burr Ridge on May 20, 2022. (Antonio Perez / Chicago Tribune)Before the sixth graders left to take part in their current science class, looking at tornadoes by way of leaf blower, they were asked if they were fans of science. Everyone said, not so much, including Jackson Hawbecker. But the students all agreed that Lauermann made science fun.“Every year you just try to plant some little seed or interest in these kids,” Lauermann said. “And last year, we struggled. We came up with some innovative things in the school that tried to reach the kids, and that’s what this was.”Curious about other state symbols?:Penicillium rubens NRRL 1951 became the official state microbe of the state of Illinois in January 2022.The Illinois General Assembly named fluorite as the state mineral in 1965.Former Gov. Rod Blagojevich made popcorn the state’s official snack food in 2003.The Tully Monster, named after fossil hunter Francis Tully, was named the state’s official fossil in 1989. According to a paleontologist, a Tully Monster looks like a worm, a mollusk, an arthropod and a fish altogether.Former Gov. Bruce Rauner signed the pirogue, a type of canoe, into law as the official state artifact.The official state pie: pumpkin, as of 2015.And the official state amphibian, Eastern tiger salamander, and the official state reptile, the painted turtle, both were signed into law in 2005, effective in 2006.drockett@chicagotribune.com

The laughter and conversation at Hyde Park’s Polsky Center on a recent April evening was infectious. The boisterous scene centered on uncooked spaghetti, marshmallows and tape.More than two dozen University of Chicago freshmen were given a 10-minute challenge to build a tower with 20 sticks of spaghetti, and one yard of Scotch tape. When completed, the tower should stand on its own and be able to support one nondeformed marshmallow on top. The team with the tallest tower that could hold the marshmallow wins.AdvertisementThe group that contained River Forest resident, Gia Fisher, Johannesburg, South Africa resident Anqi Qu and Springfield, Missouri, resident, Emmett Reid won. They were all smiles after their brainstorming and collaborative session.“We ran into several problems along the way, had to think on our feet and make it up as we go,” Reid said. “Our ephemeral structure currently looks like it broke under its own weight, but that’s OK. It got the job done. We did not think this would work out, but it did.”AdvertisementThe challenge is just one exercise in the curriculum for the three-year extracurricular program Prototype for Success, which gives early and continued support to students interested in the intersection of science, technology, engineering and math (STEM) fields and entrepreneurship. Open to incoming U. of C. freshmen, the program encourages applications from students of color and female students, both underrepresented populations in STEM fields.Prototype for Success is a partnership between the university’s Office of Career Advancement, the Pritzker School of Molecular Engineering and the Polsky Center for Entrepreneurship and Innovation. The program offers specialized workshops, funded internships and research/technical skill training. Throughout the program, participants receive career preparation assistance and mentoring from employers, entrepreneurs and experts within the partnering departments. Students are also introduced to Polsky’s Fabrication Lab, where they will design, build and pitch an object that would be useful to other first-year students. Prototype for Success’ curriculum and programming culminates in students’ senior year, where a capstone project and presentation is produced.Meredith Daw, associate vice president and executive director of U. of C.’s Office of Career Advancement, said the idea for the program stemmed from employers wanting this type of skill set and students who wanted to do something entrepreneurial but needed a scientific discipline lens. Daw said program participants were chosen through an application process, each person demonstrated interest in emerging technologies, entrepreneurial potential and interdisciplinary thinking on their college essays and were invited to apply.“One of the things that we really believe in the career office that underpins everything we do is learning by doing, giving students a chance to not just hear passively about a career field, but actually participate in a field,” Daw said. “They’re working in teams, trying to solve a problem. It’s all the things we’re looking for, as we think about having scientists who are also entrepreneurial. It’s all about helping students not just get to college and through, the real focus is on how do you make sure students graduate with great outcomes.”Dan Sachs, executive director of education and programs at the Polsky Center, says the program is less about creating the next Elon Musk or cranking out a bunch of startups and more about building successful human beings. He says the program is all about engaging students early on and fostering an entrepreneurial spirit in a way that has practical application they can apply to whatever field the student is interested in. Sachs calls the program a “seamless marriage between entrepreneurial thinking and business school training, and innovation and research at the university.”“Our goal is to develop concrete, consistent pathways for students who typically don’t see a lot of heroes that look like them in this space — to be able to take advantage of everything from networks to mentorship to internships and have that develop over time,” Sachs said. “The long-term hope and expectation is to build the next generation of leaders that look like the country, one that is diverse and based on equitable opportunity.”This inaugural cohort has been meeting in person for two-hour workshops since January. Participant Eliram Reyes-Powell is a molecular engineering major. He said he applied to Prototype for Success because he was interested in pharmaceutical industry patenting. Since the workshops have begun, he’s even more motivated. His U. of C. classes are theoretical, while these sessions show him the many career options and pathways within science.Elizabeth Koprucki, assistant director at Fab Lab and Design, told student participants the program is all about building to learn. She encourages them to make crappy things and learn from them. When it comes to this maker space, it’s all about learning by failing.AdvertisementUniversity of Chicago first-year students Quadri Durojaiye, from left, Antonio Castano, Max Reisman, Bella Alfaro and Blake Harris present a prototype of a cellphone case that can store things like an identification card. Teams of freshmen who were given an assignment to make something that improves the lives of first-year students presented their final projects at the Harper Center on campus on May 26, 2022. (Terrence Antonio James / Chicago Tribune)University of Chicago freshman Bella Alfaro holds a prototype of a cellphone case that can store things like an identification card as students present their final projects. (Terrence Antonio James / Chicago Tribune)“It’s a great program,” said Osinachi Nwosu, a computer science major. “It really speaks to the fact that you can major in anything you want and after college, you might think there’s only one pathway for your specific major but going through this program, you learn more about how within a major, within a field, you can create anything and that creation is pretty cool.”Fisher, Qu and Reid are all part of the Class of 2025. Reid wants to make a positive impact doing something he finds really interesting. Fisher is interested in making sure medical devices and tools can fit all kinds of hands. Qu thought having the background knowledge and the skills that Prototype for Success provides will help her be able to make something if an idea were to come to her at some point.Daw said there are many on campus looking at trends and adjusting career programming accordingly to make sure students are facing a future prepared, including those in her office. Daw said given the university’s institutional knowledge, her team is focused on creating hubs with interdisciplinary approaches. Prototype for Success is the first, but two more early engagement programs will launch this summer — one focused on climate concerns, the other focused on data science and public policy, bringing together the U. of C. UChicago Data Science Institute and the Harris School of Public Policy.As for how Prototype for Success will measure its success? Daw said in several different ways, including the number of those who remain in the sciences, those who branch out as entrepreneurs and the number of participants who say they are satisfied, supported and connected to each other upon completion.“They’re gaining transferable skills, building out a network … programs like these are helping them understand what they’re interested in doing and ultimately, they’re becoming more competitive in the marketplace,” Daw said. “It’s really important that all these students have great experiences throughout the academic year and in the summer for career opportunities — all of those things together equal success.”drockett@chicagotribune.com

Dear Amy: Recently my children and I were with my in-laws (their grandparents) at a crowded event where I relied on my father in-law to supervise my son (age 4) while I was with my toddler daughter.My father in-law tries to connect with my son by “being silly,” which for him means nose pinching, tickling, tug-of-war while holding hands, and general rough-housing and clownish behavior.AdvertisementOccasionally my son laughs with him, but more often I can tell by his body language that he feels assaulted by all the unwanted touching.At one point he fell down and was sobbing because his grandpa essentially pushed him down via tug of war.AdvertisementAs we said goodbye and grandpa tried to jostle him into a hug (while saying “you don’t have to hug me if you don’t want to”), my son refused to say goodbye at all. I said our goodbyes and it began to dawn on me how much rough-housing had been happening, so I asked my son if grandpa “nudges” him too much.He said (amazingly) “I love grandpa so much and every time I see him I’m so excited to play but he makes me so sad every time because he’s too rough.”My question is, what is the best way to approach this?I see a few options. My husband was subjected to this behavior himself as a child. I don’t think he would be able to effectively handle this with his father. I could encourage my son to advocate for himself to his grandpa.I could tell my father in-law about what my son said, something to the effect of, “I can see you really want to connect with our kids, but what you’re doing is the opposite of connecting.”I feel like he’s being a bully, but I am not sure if I’m projecting my own feelings onto the situation.Your advice?– Protective MomAdvertisementDear Protective: It never ceases to amaze me that some adults can look at children who are obviously distressed – and not adjust their adult behavior.Let’s stipulate that this grandfather is not intentionally being a bully, but he is behaving the way we knows how to behave – and has always behaved with children. He may justify this by believing he is “toughening up the little guy!” – but this behavior from a beloved adult is extremely confusing, as your son articulated so well. And, mind you, the last thing this grandfather wants is for this child to become so tough that he either retaliates (for which his grandfather would likely punish him) or simply avoids him.Coach your son to express his needs: “Grandpa, no – too rough!”Also pass along your son’s quoted comments and ask your father-in-law: “Can you dial down the rough-housing? It’s pretty hard on him.”Dear Amy: My 30-year-old (younger) sister is transfixed by a man who in another time would be called “a rake.” He is handsome, charming, and has a reputation as a womanizer.My sister “Cecile” is lovely, trusting and sweet – and a bit naïve. She has had a few relationships of varying duration and has been burned a few times.AdvertisementMy instincts to try to protect my sister are very strong, but I don’t want to overstep or alienate her.Your suggestion?– Protective SisterDear Protective: I appreciate the term “rake” as an adjective – because it brings to mind visions of various “lovable scoundrels” from English literature.I therefore turn to Jane Austen for advice.In her famous novel “Sense and Sensibility,” (a story about a protective older sister), the beautiful younger sister “Marianne” falls hard for the rakish Mr. Willoughby, while the somber and appropriate Colonel Brandon loves her from afar.AdvertisementBrandon offers a most gracious blessing to the doomed couple, that I’ll paraphrase here: “I pray that she will be happy, and that he will somehow deserve her.”What you can do for your sister is to hope for her happiness, and stand in her corner if things don’t go well. Weighing in – especially if you are not invited – will not help.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.Dear Amy: Thank you for running the question from “Not Gifted,” the couple that was overwhelmed with multiple gifts from in-laws. The in-laws were not respecting the couple’s request to stop exchanging gifts.My family dealt with this same issue. It took several years to basically “train” family members away from material gifts, but now we exchange and enjoy “experiences” together.– GratefulDear Grateful: I love this idea, and hope many readers adopt it.AdvertisementGot a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

It’s been three weeks since the U.S. Supreme Court’s leaked draft decision to overturn Roe v. Wade was made public.Striking down the 1973 decision would end federal protection for abortion rights, opening the door for states to ban or restrict access to the procedure. A number of states have already passed measures that would outlaw or curtail abortion in the wake of the ruling. Since then, protests have stepped up around the nation and residents can’t help but wonder what the after will look like locally and regionally if the landmark decision is overturned this summer.Advertisement“Feminism failed to show up for voting rights and feminism failed to show up for candidates of color who talked about reproduction, so now here we are with mainstream feminism facing its worst fears because it wasn’t showing up for any of the other fights that might have prevented this,” said Mikki Kendall, author of “Hood Feminism: Notes from the Women That a Movement Forgot” — a book that centers feminism in a community-based activism lens.On Mother’s Day weekend, we talked with Nadine Naber and Souzan Naser, co-directors of MAMAS (Mamas Activating Movements for Abolition and Solidarity), a Chicago-based collective that works with mothers/caretakers of color impacted by violence, surveillance and deportation by law enforcement.AdvertisementRosemary Cade, 67, joined MAMAS for the camaraderie. The Roseland resident is mother to Antonio Porter, who is serving a 71-year sentence for a 2002 murder conviction stemming from a dice game slaying. Cade spoke about her son’s story at a rally Mother’s Day weekend. She said being in community with other mothers offers comfort.“There’s other mothers suffering and struggling with the same situation that I’m going through with my son — that’s a lot of stress,” Cade said. “The fight is the struggle. We got to keep fighting. We can’t give up.”Bertha Escamilla, center left, and Rosemary Cade, members of Mamas Activating Movements for Abolition and Solidarity, attend an event to recognize those who have experienced incarceration, outside Cook County Jail on May 7, 2022, in Chicago. Escamilla’s son, Nick Escamilla, and Cade’s son, Antonio Porter, are both imprisoned. (John J. Kim / Chicago Tribune)Established in 2019, the collective sees police violence as a feminist issue, where prisons are impacting their children and by extension impacting them. MAMAS seeks to integrate mother’s voices into social movements. Naber, University of Illinois at Chicago professor of gender and women’s studies and global Asian studies and faculty founder of UIC’s Arab American Cultural Center, and Naser, licensed clinical social worker, counselor and assistant professor at Moraine Valley Community College and Arab American Action Network president, spoke about the intersectionality of feminism, reproductive justice (reproductive rights, access, and social justice) and the upcoming decision on Roe v. Wade.“For women of color, the fight for Roe vs. Wade has to be accompanied by the fight for all women to have access to health care and for all women to have the capacity to have or not have kids and to mother in safety and dignity,” Naber said. “Our issue is that no matter what argument you make for the right to choose, it’s still not going to be enough if people don’t have health care and people aren’t protected from state violence.”Naber said MAMAS wants to make sure that mothers of color have a seat at the table in movements of change.“We’re working with mamas who are resisting immigration bans, mothers who are surviving war and colonization,” Naser said. “We need to take seriously the ways prisons impact people of color, not just in the U.S., but colonized people across the globe, including Palestine. We need to talk about how prison, colonization, immigration bans and detention devastates mothers and caretakers economically. It impacts their physical and mental health. It interferes with their ability to survive, and to thrive with dignity. Mothers and caretakers bear all of these burdens when they are supporting their incarcerated family members, when they’re resisting war and colonization.”The interview has been condensed and edited for clarity.Q: What are the collective’s thoughts about the draft decision news?AdvertisementNaber: Fighting for the right to choose — it couldn’t be more urgent. We’re very critical of how society is grappling with this moment, that our society is grappling with it in white, middle class, feminist terms. Those terms exclude the realities that women of color face and how they would be impacted. Reproductive justice is about the human right to parent your child. If you were to have a child and then the state forcibly separates mothers from their children, which very much disproportionately affects women of color, who, whether they’re immigrants, undocumented refugees, that trauma is reproduced generationally. For us, it’s the police violence issue of the Chicago Police Department, either killing children and forcibly separating mothers from their children and Chicago police incarcerating Black and brown men en masse, as well as the Chicago Police Department forcing confessions en masse. The question is: Who’s going to address these communities and these mothers who are facing a massively urgent reproductive justice issue that’s beyond a right under the law to choose whether to have a child or not? It’s about a state taking away your capacity to be a mother to your child.Naser: It goes back to who has access and who is this ban going to impact the most. It’s going to impact minority individuals and marginalized communities because the white middle-class folk are still going to be able to carry on as normal. They have the money, they have the ability to get their health care needs.Naber: Controlling women’s bodies has always been essential to white supremacy — we know that from the history of enslavement and Native American genocide. The hetero-patriarchal family, conservative concepts of women’s respectability, the white middle-class family must maintain itself if white supremacy, white privilege, and capitalism are to remain, which is what the U.S. is based on.Q: If the mainstream is single-issue feminism, do people of color have to create their own form of feminism to be included?Naber: Movements are often single issue. In our case, it’s about sexism and racism. It’s intersectional and that’s why we have to create our own because we need a space that can work on both at the same time — it’s gender and race together. It’s the mothering and the police violence. There are many movements like ours, but all of those groups are similarly on the margins … other groups of people doing the intersectional framing but maybe they’re just not as known.Naser: When we think about the women’s rights movement, it was initially led by middle-class white women who didn’t include, prioritize or vocalize, or stand up for the needs of women of color and other marginalized women who have historically and continue to have limited access to health care, who have a lack of choices for effective birth control. Just think about the different ways that reproductive injustices are maintained — BIPOC mothers and caregivers continue to be dehumanized for social problems. One of our mothers talked about how she’s treated when she used to be able to go in person and visit her incarcerated son, how racist and sexist that process is during prison visits for her or in the courtroom and how corporate media blames mothers of color for their children’s death, or for their incarceration. Reproductive injustices include all of this.AdvertisementQ: Is there a way to make more people drink the inclusive feminism Kool-Aid?Naber: Mainstream discussion says that if we really want women to have autonomy over their bodies, then they should get these rights under the law. We’re saying that’s not enough. If we really want women of color to be included in this, we need to say that women should get to choose to have or to not have a child. Some people don’t even get the choice to have and after you have, you should be able to parent, to mother your child in safety and dignity. That’s a women of color framework on it; to be able to raise your kids in sustainable communities with dignity and safety and to not have to fear that your child is going to die or be taken from you. To drink the Kool-Aid, we need to couple the fight for Roe v. Wade with multiple fights at the same time — that’s what makes it a women of color perspective, that it always has multiple asks and multiple struggles. That’s what’s hard for the mainstream to understand, they want the one thing, but women of color feminism is never one thing, because if we’re talking about housing, we need housing and child care.Naser: If they continue to chip away at people’s “rights” what’s to say that they’re not going to restrict individuals from being able to go out of state to get medication that they need, the health care that they need, the abortion that they need?drockett@chicagotribune.com