Column: How to start a conversation at a Super Bowl party in Chicago — even if you know nothing about football

There’s nothing worse than being stuck at a Super Bowl party without having the slightest knowledge about the game, especially in a football-loving town such as Chicago.

But because the Super Bowl is a national holiday and almost everyone participates, we’ve created a list of non sequiturs to drop into any party conversation and leave the impression you know what you’re talking about.

The key is knowing the right time to make a bold statement, then letting the others do the dirty work of keeping the conversation going. Once you’ve delivered your line, sit back and nod your head while the party guests marvel at your expertise.

Here are 16 handy lines that can be used Sunday for Super Bowl LVII gatherings.

As soon as the Philadelphia Eagles quarterback runs the ball for a first down, drop this comparison to Bears quarterback Justin Fields. Make sure you don’t call him “Justin Fields.” Just “Justin.”

Sooner or later a wide receiver will be sprawled out on the field after making a great catch. But a challenge flag will drop and the game will stop for minutes while officials determine whether one millimeter of the football touched the ground. No one will be able to determine this conclusively, so make your declaration quickly and don’t be swayed by the dozen replays.

Tom Brady will join the Fox TV booth in 2024, so the network will begin hyping the fact Sunday. Whether Brady changes his mind and unretires is irrelevant. By the time we know for sure, no one will remember anything you said at a 2023 Super Bowl party.

If you’ve spent any part of your life in Chicago, you know this fact has to be repeated during every Super Bowl for the rest of time. It can be used any time during the game and repeated ad nauseum if it’s a blowout.

Save this for the first Rodgers commercial. Mentioning the Green Bay Packers quarterback’s decision to spend four days isolated in a dark room will elicit plenty of responses on Rodgers’ hallucinogenic experimentations. It doesn’t matter if you have no idea what it means. Once the name comes up, everyone will have an opinion.

The city of Philadelphia slathers grease on its street lamps to try and prevent fans from climbing them during big celebrations or bitter losses. Best to mention this if the Eagles take an early lead or are losing in the fourth quarter.

Pat Mahomes, the father of Kansas City Chiefs quarterback Patrick Mahomes, played 11 years in the major leagues, including in 2002 with the Chicago Cubs. Knowing this trivia suggests you are knowledgeable in all sports.

Again, this shows you have complete faith in Fields and no faith in the Bears offensive line. Just don’t use it after Jalen Hurts gets sacked.

The Fox telecast inevitably will plug an FS1 debate show co-hosted by Skip Bayless, the less famous brother of the Chicago restaurateur. For bonus points, throw out the line: “Skip was always jealous of Rick’s success.”

This all-purpose line can be used after any big play. But don’t use it for Mahomes. No one will be impressed.

This is the appropriate response when Chiefs senior offensive assistant/quarterbacks coach Matt Nagy is shown on the sideline near coach Andy Reid. He’ll be the bald guy wearing a visor. Everyone will quickly agree.

Everything was better in the ‘80s, so you can’t go wrong saying this after any commercial.

Everyone agreed Prince’s performance in Super Bowl XLI between the Bears and Indianapolis Colts was the greatest of all time. Even if you don’t remember it, this is safe to say at any point during Rihanna’s halftime show.

Play-by-play man Kevin Burkhardt replaced Joe Buck as the top Fox football announcer and will call his first Super Bowl. Loving Prince and disliking Buck are two things all Americans can agree upon.

No one made them, of course. You bought them at the Jewel at the last minute when you couldn’t come up with an excuse to avoid going to a Super Bowl party.

Only to be uttered after a kicker misses a field-goal or extra-point attempt, informing guests you’re still haunted by the miss in the 2018 playoffs by the most hated kicker in Bears history. For bonus points, add the words “double doink” and let out a huge sigh.