Author: staff

Lifestyle

Ask Amy: Enabling parents look for a way out

Dear Amy: Recently, our adult daughter “Clare” asked us for $4,000 to help her daughter attend an extremely expensive college ($75,000 a year) on the East Coast. We had already just given Clare $5,000 (for another purpose), and we offered tuition and housing for community college. She refused.My husband and I are retired public school teachers. We sent all three children to universities. They graduated debt-free.AdvertisementOur monthly expenses exceed our teachers’ retirement, but we have some savings and a little bit of income. Things are tight.Clare has not managed her money well. When she was in college we sent her $500 a month and she immediately quit her part-time job. She has squandered literally millions on pricey schemes and expensive homes. She now finds herself divorced and close to penniless – yet she refuses to find a job and relies on us for help.AdvertisementNow her daughter is making similar choices.Clare and her daughter have not been close or kind to us, and have never stepped up during those rare times we’ve asked for physical assistance.Both have lied about our treatment of them and have ridiculed our gifts and lives on numerous occasions.I feel used when they come asking for financial help. Yet I feel obligated! How do we say, “This is not the kind of help we can easily continue to give?”How do we say “no”?– Tapped Out TeachersDear Tapped Out: If you and your husband saw a child in your classroom whose parents always swooped in to complete their homework, you would see how destructive this behavior is and how it impedes the child’s ability to handle challenges.YOU have the spending problem.AdvertisementYour lifetime practice of enabling “Clare” has helped to create an entitled, incompetent, needy, and angry adult who lacks basic judgment – and now she is passing this onto the next generation.You enable her because you are too anxious or afraid to face the discomfort you would feel if you stopped.And then there is this: Clare isn’t even nice to you!She isn’t nice to you when you give, and she won’t be nice to you if you don’t.You launched all three of your children into a debt-free adulthood. That’s more than many parents can do, and you did it.Your duty at this stage of life is to take care of yourselves responsibly. (Will Clare take you in when there is nothing left?)AdvertisementAll requests should be met with: “We’re not giving any more money to you. You can solve your own problems – we believe in you!”Don’t supply excuses or explanations.Dear Amy: I chat with my sister a few times per week on the phone. We usually call each other on a whim.More and more lately, she multi-tasks while we are talking, either preparing and eating a snack, or driving, etc.The problem is that these activities create a lot of noises, some of which are quite distracting or even grating through the phone.When she’s driving, the call often cuts out.AdvertisementShe has even called me while at a cafe, then asks me to hold on while she orders or pays.If I am in the middle of something when she calls, I ask her if I can get back to her in a few minutes.If I notice she’s multi-tasking when I call, I offer to call back later, but she usually says no and carries on with what she is doing.What is accepted modern phone etiquette?– Hanging on the LineDear Hanging: It’s not necessarily “modern,” but basic good manners means that you don’t talk with your mouth full of food, initiate a conversation when you’re in the middle of a transaction (or vice versa), or choose to contact someone when you can’t pay full attention.AdvertisementDon’t offer to call back. Ask your sister if she could call back when there isn’t so much background noise.Dear Amy: I applaud your response to “Regretful,” the gentleman who has been divorced from his first wife for many years and wants to apologize.I wholeheartedly agree with your encouragement regarding this apology.When my first husband and I had been divorced for 34 years, he called out of the blue and apologized for everything.Ask AmyDailyNo-nonsense advice for better living delivered to your inbox every morning. For a limited time, sign up for the Ask Amy newsletter and get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.I didn’t realize I needed to hear that, but I did.He died very unexpectedly six weeks later. I’m thankful that he passed with a clear heart.Advertisement– JudyDear Judy: “A clear heart.” That’s what we should all strive for.Got a question for Amy? Enter it here and we’ll send it to her.Sign up here to receive the Ask Amy newsletter to get advice e-mailed to your inbox every morning, and for a limited time — get the book “Ask Amy: Essential Wisdom from America’s Favorite Advice Columnist” for $5.©2021 Amy Dickinson.

Sports

‘I love Lance to death’: Chicago White Sox 3B coach Joe McEwing explains heated discussion with Lance Lynn

DETROIT — Chicago White Sox third-base coach Joe McEwing wanted to make something clear Tuesday at Comerica Park.“First things first, I’m a pescatarian, so I don’t eat meat,” McEwing said. “I don’t eat ribeye or fillet, … I eat fish.”AdvertisementMcEwing was referencing Lance Lynn’s reasoning after the pitcher was asked after Monday night’s game about a lively discussion caught on camera between the two during a game against the Detroit Tigers.“He was trying to get me going,” Lynn said after the game. “He kept telling me that fillets are better than ribeye. I’m more of a ribeye and potatoes guy. He’s a fillet and Caesar salad. I just told him was wrong.Advertisement“And then he went back to coaching third.”McEwing said the situation was a miscommunication.“Let it be known I love Lance to death,” McEwing said. “We have the same personalities. We’re both competitors and we both care so much about how much work goes into a daily game. It was a miscommunication between us. And we took care of it, we hugged each other. I was thinking something else that he was thinking internally and mentally. And we hugged it out and we’re good.”The Tigers had seven hits in the first two innings. The discussion was before the third. The assumption was the conversation centered on positioning of players.“And that’s the miscommunication part, that’s what I assumed,” McEwing said. “And it was more or less about him not making pitches. He wasn’t making pitches. He was leaving balls in the middle of the zone, and that’s what he was feeling internally.“My assumption was that it was about something else. And that’s where the miscommunication comes. And it happens. When you’re out there competing and both sides care about their job and winning and losing and things like that may happen. But that’s part of the game. … We have the same fiery personalities and that’s where it came out. But we talked about it and moved on.”Lynn allowed three runs on 10 hits with four strikeouts and no walks in 4⅓ innings in the 9-5 victory.“Lance battled and perhaps most importantly told me after the game he feels good,” Sox general manager Rick Hahn said. “He feels really good. Location might have shown a little bit of rust. I know he got frustrated because he didn’t make a couple of pitches that he is normally used to making.Advertisement“But he battled through with his stuff, without his best stuff like the veteran that he is and gave us what we needed to get a win (Monday). That was good to have him back from a performance standpoint, and it’s just fantastic having him back in that (clubhouse) giving his presence.”Hahn didn’t make much of what was shown on camera between Lynn and McEwing.“I viewed it as two competitors having a conversation,” Hahn said. “Now the fact that Joe doesn’t eat meat makes me a little dubious of the explanation that you all reported that the conversation was about, but I’m not going to question your sources. (Lynn’s explanation) was impressive, but you’ve got to check your sources on that one.“That’s a nothing burger. No pun intended.”